Rinse, Rinse, Repeat

"What time are we upon and where do I belong?"

                                        ~Witch Baby by Francesca Lia Block

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As my month off comes to a close I find myself reflecting on the lessons it has brought me; what it has taught me about myself.

Each year, as I'm left to regulate my own routine, I learn something new about myself; about how I operate within the confines of my own scheduling.

I usually flounder a bit before finding my footing, then I lean into the reset.

One thing I notice is that the transitions are always where I find the most resistance.

Letting go of what is established- whether it's the work routine or my own- is always hard.

Last year the floundering lasted most of the month, with me finally adopting a pretty kick-ass-take-my-mornings-back routine right before returning to work.

It took me straight through fall and winter with an ease I have never been able to create without desperation necessity as a driving force.

This year the floundering didn't last more than a week as Flora started preschool shortly after my layoff began.

This left me with this wonderful, freeing, three hour window to start fresh each day.

You give me a whole month to plan and I'll run screaming; but now a three hour window?

That I can work with!

Just as it was with last year's established routine (though they came at different times for different reasons), I seem to go through a mourning of its loss.

Sometimes it can be the loss of something only shortly established.

For instance....

Despite the fact that I'm coming back from a three day beach vacation, I find myself looking at this day after as a recovery.

The shifts seem to disable my footing, and the only thing I can seemingly do to recover it is to rest and reset.  

Which leaves me in the space of reflection.

Reflection is a place where I find comfort in the chaos.  A place where I can take time and make sense of what has passed and where I'm at in all of it.

And I see that I've been finding myself in bits and pieces, here and there.

And that each time I a find a piece of me, I also find "not me," too.

I find my fear in the same place I find my inspiration.  

I find my resistance in the same spaces where I lean in.

I ponder what it says; what it doesn't say; how it feels when the honeymoon phase of discovery is over.

I see what I find myself tossing aside; what I find myself holding onto.

Where there is resistance, I recognize and try to  release.

And there is a sense of comfort in the as-isness of it all.

Even in the resistance. Because it is its own lesson.

Rewind.  Reflect.  Resist.  Reset.  Release.  Recover.

Rinse.  Rinse.  Repeat.