Lessons Learned

I became aware of something this last week.

Like, really aware.

I can bear witness without having to accommodate or fix things!

In case that sounds confusing, let me explain.

First of all, bearing witness is something I only recently grasped the concept of.

Bearing witness means exactly what it sounds like- it means we are there, alongside someone or some experience, witnessing and acknowledging what is happening.

But really, it's more than that.  It's being there, and not trying to "fix" things; and not feeding into things.

Often, when we try to fix things for other people, they aren't even asking us to. 

And often, it can actually make them feel less validated, and can put unwanted pressure on the situation.

Up until now (and sometimes even now) I have wanted to fix- or at least accommodate- others in their problems.

My mind will automatically fish out some experience I think is relateable, or will grasp for some piece of advice that I think could help.

I now realize that this is often fear based:

fear of the other person feeling that they aren't seen;

fear that, if the other person's issue isn't fixed, it could leak out and affect me (in my more personal relationships);

fear of absorbing another's suffering;

fear that they will think I'm not listening or don't really care.

And I'm starting to realize that when we approach anything with fear, we often actually get what it is we are trying to avoid.

Like, a personal case of mine: say you don't want your child to internalized a negative dialogue, and then you hear her saying things like "I'm the worst" or "I wish I'd never been born."

That can really freak you out!

The instant reaction (or mine anyway) is to say something like "Don't say that about yourself!  You aren't the worst."  Or maybe "Why would you say that?  Where did you hear that?"

I now realize that what I'm actually trying to do in that situation is control it. 

And in trying to control it, guess what I'm doing? 

Invalidating my child's own feelings.  

Which, in fact, will lead to a negative inner dialogue.

Which, in fact, I don't want.

Kinda funny, huh?  But it's true!  Or, at least, I think it is.

So, now, with this information, I'm trying to do things differently in my household.  I'm trying to allow my child those feelings; and instead of trying to snuff them out, I'm trying to give them space to just be. 

To let her just be.

I may still engage her over these feelings, but it isn't in such a controlling way.

I'll ask "Oh yeah?  What's gotcha feeling like that?" Or I'll say something like, "Yeah, I know that's a bummer.  I've felt that way before, too."

It isn't a perfect dynamic, but I'm trying.

Also, on the other side of this issue, trying to accommodate someone in their negativity/problems by relating to them can be really draining.

This is one that happens a lot to me at work.  And this is where this mantra has been the most liberating for me.

When you work with other people- or, ya know, interact with humans ever- you stand to have some of these interactions be....mmm.... less than ideal.

Not every person is going to think the same as you.

Not every person is going to view the world the same as you.

And, certainly, not every person is even going to be conscious of the fact.

I've begun to realize I'm an accommodater, and that it doesn't serve me well.

To avoid conflict, I'm often "nice" when I really don't need to be.   It tends to lead to situations that could get me into trouble (at my job), or that at least make me feel uncomfortable.

One way that I accommodate is when someone is complaining, and I jump on the complain train.

It's.so.damn.easy.to.do.

I mean, who doesn't have crap they can complain about?

And in certain situations, this makes me feel super* drained.  Then I get anxious about being in those situations because I know how they can make me feel.


*Side note: this is one of those moments where a word suddenly looks really alien to me.  Super.  Super.  Super? Do you see it, too?  Anyway....


But I realized that the only reason it does that to me is because I'm trying to accommodate it.

So now, when I find myself (often naturally and automatically) merging mind streams with someone who is in that place, I will repeat this mantra to myself: "It's ok to just bear witness.  No need to accommodate or fix this."

And it has really helped! 

It hasn't just helped me with my anxiety and stress level, though.  It's also allowed me to see people for who it is they really are.

And in situations where I would normally be internally cowering, I can now almost find humor in these moments.

And I really think it's because I'm able to take off the lens of anxiety and just see it for what it is:

that person is afraid

or

that person is trying to control things

or

that person is having a bad day.....etc....

And I don't even try to make myself a part of it. 

Because I'm not!  And I don't have to be!

And it is just wonderfully liberating!  Haha!

So how about you?  Any lessons you've internalized to your own benefit lately?


P.S.  I just want to give credit where credit is due and post this link to one of the many Dr. Shefali videos I've been watching.

Seriously, I'm a little obsessed right now.  I'm searching out and watching/listening to everything I can find from her.

She has so much wisdom to share about not only our relationships with our children, but also in addressing our own inner child.

So, if you give it a watch, I'd love to know whatcha think about what she has to say.

See ya!

Vain and Vulnerable

Last week I changed my "About Me" photo to this one:

I'm literally laughing at myself because I feel so ridiculous.

I also posted it on my Instagram handle- @clovercatmossycape - with this caption:

There was a time when I took photos of myself ALL the time. I was kinda obsessed with it. Then a switch flipped and it all seemed so silly-posing and making "cute" ducky faces.

So what, then, does a girl do when she finds herself wanting a current and nice photo taken of herself? 

Do it and call herself vain to keep the ego in check-haha! Or maybe as a buffer to the criticism of those who might think I take myself too seriously? 

Yeah, that's probably more accurate.

It really makes me appreciate all of those liberating "I don't have to explain my selfie to you" posts. 

Still, though, I explain. I suppose because I'd rather you think I'm insecure than vain. Because undermining myself is the surest way to get your approval (so say my egoic thought patterns). Just a day in the life of my mind stream. Welcome!

So....How many of you feel totally silly posting a nice picture of yourself sometimes?

So, here's how it happened:

One of my girlfriends was coming over with one of her girlfriends I'd never met before. 

I decided to scrub the house clean, and thus felt pretty grungy. 

What's the quickest way to fix feeling grungy without time to shower?!

MAKE UP!!

And then, I'm all like "Ooh, girl, look at you!  Someone needs to take yo pictcha!" 

With underlying thoughts of how I hardly ever take nice photos- or have them taken- of myself these days; and how it would kinda be nice to have one.

But when I told Melody that I'd like to have my picture taken since I felt like I looked nice.....

Whoa.

It triggered some serious vulnerability in me.

I know this because I continued to say how vain I was; thanking her for appeasing my vanity; saying things like "My vanity* would really like a picture of me with make up on."

*I wouldn't even own it.

It even carried over into the post I made. 

I wanted anything but to have anyone think I thought I looked nice.

Or worse.

That I cared.  I mean it's almost embarrassing to think how hard I coward cowered under this umbrella of self-proclaimed vanity.

It's just different when you ask for it, ya know?

I don't feel this way when someone takes a nice photo of me without my knowing or asking; or when it's a group thing; or when I do it and send it to, like, one good friend.

But I asked for it! (le gasp!)  And I posted it!  ((double gasp!))

I was trying so hard to hide in self-deprecation that it didn't even matter to me how much I was belittling myself. 

I was just so uncomfortable having anyone think that I might care about how I look.

I'm not sure if it was so hard because I was in the presence of someone new, or if it would have been the same had she not been there.

I do know that I apparently have an incongruous bent in how I view what this means to me.

So today,

before I sat down to write,

the thought of it came to me again. 

And I wondered what all the dictionary actually had to say about the word "vain".

Now, just like you, I know what this word means.  I know how to use it. 

But I still think sometimes it is really refreshing to go check the full definition of a word. 

So often we've grown up using language based around the context clues we've picked up on in the word's use, without ever really having to clearly define it.

So I looked it up for clarity, and, as with most words, there were several definitions:

---------------------------------------------------

vain [veyn]

adjective

1. excessively proud of or concerned about one's own appearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited:

2. proceeding from or showing pride in or concern about one's appearance, qualities, etc.; resulting from or displaying vanity :

3. ineffectual or unsuccessful; futile:

4. without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless:

5. Archaic. senseless or foolish.

-----------------------------------------------------

So number 4 really stopped me in my tracks:

 "without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless"

It resonated.  This was the fear.  This was the vulnerability.  This was the lack.

This was once how I felt about showing people my art.  The vulnerability lied in the idea that I may not be taken seriously.  So it'd be best to beat them (anyone) to the chase, right? 

If I put myself down first, then I was at least in control of it.

Until this moment it had never hit me how easy that was to set aside. 

Except, 

truthfully, 

this is still how I operate in regards to anything I might feel insecure about otherwise.

Setting it aside with the art was easier, maybe, because it wasn't as personal.

Now, compared to this, I could really see that!

Or, maybe, these things just come in stages, so that we're not overwhelmed with it all at once.

Either way, it is apparent to me, that, at some point in my life (or a build up over many points?) I have adopted it as truth that I am 

                                               not. 

                                                   worth. 

                                                          being. 

                                                                  seen.

And I know I'm not the only one.  

And as silly as I felt the day that picture was taken, I'm glad it was.  

And I'm glad I posted it.  

Because look at all this damn. glorious. reflection!!

So, in taking a moment to recognize this, I take it as my new challenge to try and never call myself vain again.  

Even if that is how I feel.

Because if what I believe is true, then I am divine and connected to 

All There Is.

And THAT could never be insignificant or worthless.

Maybe Magic is Simple

Is it possible that magic is just really very simple?

That only my lens of expectation has kept me from experiencing it more in my life?

Maybe the magic is simply acknowledging the simple.  Maybe it comes when you really SEE it for what it is.

These were thoughts I had while burning Sage.  Not White Sage-I have none of that.  Just culinary Sage.  What's already here with me.

I'm not trying to clear spirits.  I'm not trying to cleanse auras.  I just really love watching the smoke dance.

And the smell.  It. Is. Divine.

I'm not gonna lie.  I was introduced to burning Sage through some witchy* ways, but at the end of the day, I realize, I just enjoy it.  No broomsticks cauldrons strings attached.

I've even figured out that the smaller, silvery leaves smell best when burned. :D

So I thought that maybe my enjoying the smoke's fragrant dancing WAS the magic.

Or, more so, that my acknowledging that enjoyment

-completely-

was the magic.

Maybe the disappointment only comes when I'm trying to force it.

And then, why?  Because I'm trying to rush it?  Because I'm not allowing myself to slow down?

Probably.

It is definitely true that I am most likely to find it in the moments when I do slow down.  When I take time to notice what's around me.

Or, at least, that's been my experience.

The more I think of it, the more I think that I'm a being that likes to take my time,

and yet,

I don't always let myself do that.

I'm no overachiever.

I'm no fast-paced, serial accomplishment-er.

How do I frame that so that it is a strength?  How do I keep myself from nagging that part of me to do more?  To be more?

How much of the "do more, be more" do I need to listen to?

These are legit things I'm still figuring out.  As far as I can tell, there isn't a map.

And still, to think that even when I'm distracted by trying and grasping and running and going....the magic is still there.....

It feels really liberating!

I mean really.  It's always there!  Waiting to be found.

Just like how all of nature, even if you don't see it, it still sees you, right?!

Man, this thought really excites me!

I'm going to have to remember this the next time I'm down in the dumps....

How about you?  When is it that you really feel the magic?

*A note on the word "witchy": I feel the need to say that, here, the term "witch" may not be what you have conceived of it to be.  My thoughts on the word have far expanded past what they once were.  Needless to say, I don't believe in magic spells, but I do believe in the natural magic that lies in wait all around us.  If you believe in magic spells, I have no judgement for you, I've just never connected with that sort of thing.

Stillness, Struggles, and Snuggles

Coming out of some yoga and meditation I'm still feeling pretty chill.  I'm left thinking thoughts like:

What if I look at my inner struggle as a super power?

What if I always remind myself that I desire expansion?

What if I always let myself have stillness when I need it?

What if I ask myself every day what it is I need to be healthy?

What if I surrender to each moment as it comes, when it feels out of my control?

What if I say 'No' more?

You know, I almost forgot about writing this week.    Then when I thought about it, I thought about skipping it.

Then I let myself have movement and stillness and here I am.

I'm currently excited about the beginning of a new collage.  This one allowed me a lesson in accidental creative limitation-haha!

I laugh because I got really upset when I "fucked up" my central piece.  Let me explain:

She was so perfect!...........then I used the damned wet glue.

Suffice it to say I went through a few improves and panics before I got to a place I felt good about.

 In fact, I kinda think she's the

 flipping shit now!

As you can probably see, she isn't finished nor glued down yet-thus the shadows.  And try not to judge the poor quality cell phone photo here....

I just really don't think I'd thought to put the snake across the face and body had I not "botched it."

Yay for botching it!

So now, going forward with my day, I'm trying to figure how to lean into this gloomy grayness.

Sometimes it soothes me, sometimes it makes me feel cramped.  

Today......it makin' me feel cramped, yo!

But that's ok.  I tried to consider what would expand the day out for me. 

This morning it was some time alone in Flora's tree house.

For this evening I've voted for some healthy snacks (but ones where chocolate chips ARE included), a comforting family movie (probably something of the Studio Ghibli variety), and a good ol' fashioned no-nonsense snuggle with my favorite two peeps.

Anyone else out there like to lean into the cozy on a gray day?  What do you like to do?