In Flow

It's funny how a journey works.

You spend a lot of time hearing about others', fantasizing about telling your own tale, and don't even realize that it is already in the making.

I realized this today. 

See, I am, for the first time in my life, considering embarking on and investing in myself in a way I never have.

Through a series of sparks, I am now quite seriously considering training to become a Health Coach.

It's crossed my mind in the past, but I never gave much time to entertaining the thought.

I did, once upon a time, Google what it meant to be a Health Coach.

I found some articles that were stuff like "Health Coaching vs. Therapy," with arguments and agreements on each side as to which one was "best."

In this same search I found an extremely bland website that had some training courses starting at around $2000.

At that time-and many times with past interests- I saw that number and filed it away as just a whim.

I jumped on the "I can't afford that so I can't have that," boat and sailed off to some other interest.

But recently, through a string of inspirational interviews and website searches, I found an Institute that I think might be a good fit for me.

One of the indicators to me that this is a serious interest this time, is that the tuition is between $5000 and $7000 dollars, yet the first thing that came to mind was how to save/raise money toward this goal.

WHAT?!

That has literally never happened to me in this situation.

So I'm listening. 

I don't know how long it'll take me to get there.  I'm considering using any money I can make from selling my artwork to go toward that fund.

I've got an idea or two brewing in the back of my head, but I won't go into all those details here.

I've been cautious thus far in even mentioning this to anyone because of my habit of becoming very excited about an idea and not staying committed.

In fact, I'm even starting to view that habit in a different light.

Up until now I've seen it as a way to validate this deeply wired and troublesome story I tell myself- that I can't trust myself.

"Oh, that's just me.  Overexcited and under-motivated."

But now, knowing what I know- that you must engage interest to find your passion- I think, "Huh.  Maybe it's not that I'm a failure at commitment.  Maybe I'm just still searching."

I can at least say that I certainly like that story much better.

And it feels like, moving forward on this path, I would not just be moving in the direction of doing work that is fulfilling- though that I believe it would be.

It feels like taking the next step is actually honoring that I can trust myself.

Honoring that I actually know who I am, and what I'm good at.

I mean to say that I have begun to realize that I believe it is my truest self that wants to connect to others.  That wants to help others.

It is the one thing that comes to mind when the question is asked, "What comes as naturally to you as breathing?"

Humorously, my first answer to that is TALKING!  DUH!

But really, the why beneath the why- why do I love to talk?- is because talking with someone, sharing stories, is connecting.

So back to this idea of a journey.

I found myself thinking back to what got me here, in this place, where such a change could occur.

At first I thought, "It's art.  Art is where it started."  Because this current chapter of my story did start there.

With a book, actually.  The Artist's Way  (this is not an affiliate link, just fyi)

It was given to me by my dear friend, Amy.  In this book was instructions to make a list of 20 things you liked to do, regardless of how long it had been since you last did them.

On that list of 20 things, one that I chose to re-engage was collage.

This simple act brought me, several years later, to the place where I could sell my work; having yet a new experience I'd never had before- a feeling of confidence in and fulfillment from something I created.

And, also, furthering my journey toward self-trust.

But then I thought, "No, it goes back further than that, even."

And, again, a transformation was sparked by yet another book, given to me by yet another great friend.

So Alice gave me Personal Power Through Awareness.* (also not an affiliate link)

*Disclaimer: You do NOT have to believe in Orin (the spirit guide in the intro to this book) to get something out of this book.  I know I didn't.

It is actually what took me down this side path to becoming more aware of my truest self- something that I now believe we're all doing, whether consciously or not.

And that side path is what was able to lead me to the next side path, and now to this.

Putting it all together I nearly laughed as I saw this as my journey.

And smiling at the thought that I never knew one thing was going to lead to the next.

The thought of all of that what felt like dead space in between.  All the waiting it felt like I was doing.

I was transforming all the while!

And to add complexity to it all, I became a mother right in the middle of it all!  Haha!

So there it is. 

It may not be the very beginning, but when I look back to where things all started to change and take on new meaning, that's where it's at.

For anyone who may be interested in what institutes I'm considering, the one at the top of my oh-so-short list is this one.

If you have any insight, input, or advice, let me know!

Thanks for witnessing this journey with me, whoever you may be out there reading this!

Choose to Dance

Do you ever have those days when you just don't know what to do with yourself?

When it seems impossible to enjoy your "free time" because no matter what you do, you still just feel.....unsettled?

It happens to me more often than I care to admit.

And it only happens when I have free time.  Only when it's just me managing what to do with my own time.

And I find it kind of hard to explain.

It's like on the inside, I'm just free floating and grasping at nothing.

On the outside, I often wonder aimlessly through the house trying to find something "meaningful" to do.

It's like I'm a spinning top, and I just want to land somewhere and feel like I'm in control again.

It's a feeling of great struggle; of great conflict.

It feels like a battle is being waged inside my mind.

Even that doesn't seem like the proper explanation.

It's just so.....uncomfortable; I usually spend these days being really on edge and grumpy.

Like no matter what I do, I can't enjoy it.  No matter what I do, I feel useless.

So I found myself having one of these days this week, 

but something different happened.

Normally these days are spent in my head, trying to analyze this "problem" to death; trying to find a road map out of this internal misery.

The question asked is usually "Why do I feel like this?"

But on this particular day I asked a different question: "Why do I feel like I have to escape this?"

I realized that the real misery came from not just the discomfort, but the expectation that I should somehow whip this discomfort into shape!

I found myself questioning: "What if the whole reason I feel this way in the first place is to learn to dance with this feeling instead of always trying to fight it?"

I can't say that the day got all that much easier, but it did bear a different weight within me.

Suddenly the struggle had meaning.  When I approached it as if I had something to learn instead of something to be rid of, I was able to view it differently.

Then it didn't feel so miserable.  Still uncomfortable, yes, but not so miserable.

My hope is that the next time I'm faced with this same ol' internal conflict, instead of fighting, I, again, choose to dance.

Collage of a Different Kind

I just want to touch on a new interest for me: black out poetry.

I've never liked poems for the sake of poetry.  I've definitely read some poems that I like, but unlike some, I am not in love with the genre.

However, these black out and cut out poems I keep seeing actually make me feel something every time.

They've been brought to my attention lately, mostly because I've got a good friend who has been dabbling with the form.

I think they may appeal to me as much as they do because they are their own form of collage.

And much like the way I approach making a collage, this type of poetry is self-revealing in that you look at a page of words and pick the ones that draw you in.

In light of this, I have made three recently that I'd like to share here.  

The first two showed themselves to me when I picked up a free copy of Erewhon by Samuel Butler.

I opened the book and pages 54 and 55 each showed me a poem right away.

While I think the fully blacked out page would have more effect, I currently only have the pages unfinished- the words carefully chosen with black marker.

They read as follows:

Page 54

"Upset"

I leaned over so far

the ground was too much for me

I had no more control

hurry and noise and upset

I found myself not more than fortunate

which was when I found a little less swag

outside

I had gained difficulties

for having done some good

which was insufficient from how useful I was

............................................................................................

Page 55

"Blasphemy"

loser to the Christian religion

embraced outwardly

stupid nature of the Trinity

original sin the grandson of nothing

father Church sufficiently qualified for the task

an eternity of torture

that he should hide a multitude of sins

irregularities and shortcomings

the remembrance unpleasant

............................................................................................

The last one is technically a cut out poem, but it is formed in the same way.  I took inspiration from this same friend to work it into one of my collages.

It reads:

we must see our feelings as they actually are,

not as we assume they are.

winds of Reality carry away negative feelings within yourself.

I find we must dare to ask

and the answer awakens the intuitive self

to see that there is no such thing as 

a single negativity in a man.

..........................................................................................................

And there ya have it.

I encourage you to play around with this art form.  I find what it reveals is oh-so-therapeutic. 

Until next time......

Our Own Stories

I find myself awake at 5am, full of thoughts.  At first I think I'll fall back asleep; then I realize that I'm only gaining momentum.

Now I'm sitting here, in the pale light of the morning, listening to bird songs, while the screen of this computer lights up this small space where I like to type.

My thoughts were circling around a conversation I had with  a friend and co-worker yesterday.

I'm hoping I can put words on the screen that will express the deep feelings I have on this topic.

There has been some tension around what I feel are wildly miscommunicated feelings at work here lately.

I've seen two people- people I admire and respect- go head to head on multiple occasions. 

I've heard both sides of the story, and find each of their views have some validation.

I find that I know enough about each to see the conflict lies in the stories they tell themselves about not only who they are, but how they expect to be treated by others.

The part of me that is always trying to "see" people, to understand the deeper why of a person's actions and reactions, has really been put in the hot seat as of late.

Or, maybe, what I mean, is it has been called to the forefront.

I just keep thinking of how we all carry baggage, seen or unseen; and how we, too, all carry divine light within us.

None of us is all darkness.  None of us is all light.

And I'm seeing, truly, the impact of the stories we tell ourselves.

Sometimes I wonder if people realize how much they reveal of themselves

in the stories they tell.

You know, I heard Eric Barker say that therapists basically help people change the stories they tell themselves.

I had an inward laugh as I thought "I guess I'm a therapist at heart," because I often find myself, almost desperately, wanting people to change their stories.

Or, really, to just expand on what it is they see.  To step outside of emotion, of labeling the situation as "good" or "bad" and to just see it as it is.

I always find myself, in the midst of conflict, trying to get someone to see past the hurt they feel from a person, and into what that person is also wrestling with.

Often times, when we hurt others, or are hurt by others, it is my belief that it isn't always personal.

Sometimes people are so entrenched within their own hurting that they don't even realize the impact it is having on the people around them.

Sometimes it is literally just another person's reaction to shame triggering our own reaction to shame.

Often shame begets shame begets shame.

And it is so much easier to numb out, and to see ourselves as victims; and yet, it only spirals out and makes things more difficult.

There is this really great Maya Angelou quote that goes:

"If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitude."

Besides just walking away, I think that these are really ever the only two options we have.

And still I see people beating their heads against a wall, wishing instead, things would just change for them.

(I do not exclude myself from this category.)

And I see how this never fixes anything.

So I find myself, more than ever, wondering how people can be helped to heal.  Because it is the wounds and the baggage we carry around with us that creates these narratives.

How can people find ways to break free from these stories we tell ourselves?  These stories that keep us stuck in the bog of, truly, disillusionment?

I find myself, more than ever, wanting to help.

And, ironically, I find I have my own stories that I need to be rewritten. 

Stories that tell me that I'm not good enough at this to be part of the solutions.  Stories that tell me I'm scared to be "seen."

Stories that tell me no one will take me seriously; that no one would ever listen to me.

So I don't pretend to be immune. 

In fact, I think the fact that I am aware of it within myself is why it feels so important to me when I see someone else struggle with it.

And I realize that expanding awareness is so so important to me.

I think it may possibly be my life's goal to become as aware of as many things about the human condition- about my own condition- as possible.

I have heard, on multiple occasions here lately, some very wise people say that shame and insecurities are always with us.  No one is immune.

So the best thing we can do is not to try to get rid of them.  The best thing we can do is to become so aware of them, that when they show up, we say, "Ah, I see you shame.  I know that's you talking again."

Another thing that I've also heard from several of the "wise ones" here lately is that shame only exists in secrecy.  That once you speak it, it loses power.

And I get that.  In a way, I've been trying to speak shame out of existence most of my life without ever realizing it.

Now I know why it is so good to "confess" my insecurities- haha!

Now, with these early morning ramblings winding to a close, I leave you with two videos- shared with me by a dear friend- that have spoken strongly to me on the topics I wrote about today.

Somewhere in the latter portion of this video you'll hear this guy speak on what I said about shame and secrecy.

In this video you'll hear this guy talk about the stories we tell ourselves and how impactful that can be on how we live our lives.

So, what stories do you tell yourself?  What impact do you think they have on how you live?