Share Barfing

Share barfing.

Because that's what I'm about to do. To YOU!

I feel like I'm just bursting forth with so much I want to share!

(I feel like this is one of those posts I'm going to look back on and wonder if I had had too much coffee....so future me, no extra coffee was had this morning.  You were just feeling the zing of spring!)

I guess I haven't' been in the mood for sharing here lately.  Things have been shifting and transitioning.

So much has happened, it seems like!

You know, last year, when winter gave way to spring, I felt a mourning for it's loss.

I wasn't ready to let go of the quiet, calm, stillness of winter.

I wasn't ready to let go of the   s  l  o  w.

But this year it feels different.  Maybe it was that week and a half of gray days that made me feel ready for sunshine and growth.

Either way, it seems like I'm feeling myself shift with the season this year.

Last week I did so many new things!

I tried out a gym for the first time. 

I took Flora to Tigers for Tomorrow. 

We went to the newly opened park down town. 

I put on skates at the skating rink for the first time since I was a teenager.

I even prepped my food for the whole week on Sunday.

WHAAAAA?!  I NEVER DO THAT!

(*pats self on back*)

AND, I'm happy to report that with my meals being not only prepped, but healthy, I haven't had the insane craving for sugar that I normally have

on a daily basis.

Like I'm pretty sure I have an addiction to sugar sometimes.

But I haven't had that this week. 


::B O R I N G  A L E R T::


I prepped egg muffins for my breakfast, zucchini muffins for my early snack (made with almond and oat flour instead of wheat or refined flour- things I consider luxuries and normally don't splurge on), salads full of raw vegetables and fruit and nuts for my lunch, and quinoa with veggies for my evening snack- that I seasoned with cumin and garlic powder because I knew that shit was gonna be bland.

It took me half of my Sunday, but it actually felt good  to do it.

I've been exercising more....buuuuuut meditating less. 

In fact, today is the first day in over a week I've sat down to meditate for a full 10 minutes.... and almost all I could think about was getting on here and typing up all of these things-haha!

So, yeah, I think my energy is shifting with the seasons.

I'm all buoyed up on that spring vibration, ya heard!

I even took a yard walk today and felt ready to cut and dry some herbs again!

Oh!  And taking it back a little, the second Monday in March was my first ever Curiosity Club meeting!

Man, did I learn some stuff about myself there.

So far, I've only taught a garden class to kids at the library.

This was meant to be a discussion group for adults around topics of our humanity.

I was a littler nervous about taking the lead and wanted it to be an organically formed discussion......but when it was all said and done I was really unhappy with how it went.

I don't think anyone else was, so there's that.

But it made me realize that I had expectations that I didn't know I had when they weren't met.

All in all, I think it was awesome because it let me know what did and didn't feel right, and I was able to be more up front with myself about what I want it to be.  So next week we're going to do it a little different.

And Emotional Intelligence is my new hyper-interest.

I just feel like it is at the base of so much of what interests me, so I've set out to learn as much as I can because I'm pretty sure it's what I want to advocate for in this life.

And, well, ya know, to help me out, too.

It's funny, because without knowing what to call it, it's kind of what I've been writing about on here for a while now.

Oh, another new thing- I subscribed to Seth Godin's blog. 

I love it!  It's short little wisdom snippets daily.  I normally don't like anything to show up in my email that regularly, but they really are short and sweet and to the point.

I've also been listening to a lot of Tom Bilyeu's relationship theory.

Well, I'll weirdly conclude with that.  I'm about to go get Flora from school, then it's off to herb snippin'.

You guys been up to anything new?  You know I love a conversation 💛.

When Curiosity Leads to Self Love and Appreciation

The story that we always lose is an easy one to believe.

But believing that we can always still win is so much more fun, isn't' it?!

Losses and wins are always going to play out in our lives.

Neither should be ignored.

But I think we get to decide whether or not we get to come back around to a triumph or not.

All of these thoughts have been sparked by the mere fact that my dad is staying with me.

Having him around has caused me to need to process his effect on me.

He has been the hero who rescued me from a much worse fate, and yet...there is still a discomfort that comes from his presence.

....At first glance....

He has always seemed to have clouds of self doubt and victimization hanging over him, and those clouds seem to have their own gravity.

He seems to view the world through the lens that it's all brutal and unfair, and that's just how it is.

I see it in how he tells stories and in what he's willing to believe- both about himself and the world around him.

I see it in what he pays attention to and which stories he likes.

I see it in the sorrow he feels for so many others.

And all of these thoughts have surfaced because it just hit me today that I'm living in what seems like a space of unhappiness and avoidance when I'm at home right now. 

So I ask myself why I might be uncomfortable, and realize it's root lies in my dad being here.

His presence and energy.

And, more so, in the way I'm so sensitive in my response to the energy of others.

He's done nothing wrong or hurtful.  He hasn't been difficult to get along with or hard to please.  He hasn't been ungrateful- the opposite actually.

But I think his presence causes me to have to face the energy of not belonging.

It makes me realize I grew up surrounded by, and thus embodying, that energy.

And it shows me how sensitive I am to it.

Because I could/can feel it even when people are showing me great acts of kindness and love.

But what of it?  Now I'm even more curious.

I mean, I'm never going to feel I belong 100% of the time.  Who does?

Is it so important to me- the feeling of belonging- because I missed out on it for so long?  

And is it so bad that I'm driven to find it?

I suppose it's like anything else.

It has its own light and its own shadow.

And it has the ability to be buried in delusion.

So awareness is the first step, right?

And that makes me think: 

Maybe that's why I'm so addicted to the act of self-awareness.

Because maybe it's my purpose to rid myself of delusion here in this lifetime.

And, if it's so important to me, can I help finding it a matter of serious importance for all of us?

If I had grown up in a family where I felt seen and heard and supported as my truest self- if I'd felt that sense of belonging- what different presets would I then have?

Would this even be important to me?

♥  And then my thoughts start to change  ♥

Thank goodness for my sensitivities.

Without them, I'm not sure I'd been able to even begin wading out of the bullshit.

And thank goodness for my curious spirit, or else I would remain stagnant in that swamp of delusion.

And a big ol' "Hallelujah!" (Hell, why not?!) for the quiet and stillness of meditation.

Because if I had never begun to slow down, all the sensitivity and curiosity in the world could never save me from it.

So I suppose I could conclude with a "Thank you."

A thank you to the people in my life, who, without realizing it

-who, while doing the best they could to follow their hearts while still living in the delusion of their own self-sabotaging stories-

brought me through this space of not belonging.

The pain of which, without it, I would probably never have such clarity on its importance.

Sure, maybe I'd have less hang ups.

Maybe I'd even have been more successful by this point if it had been otherwise.

But that was not my intended purpose here on this planet, in this lifetime, in this body.

My sensitivity is a gift.  If people can't see it

- if I don't have a sense of belonging with ever person I come in contact with- 

that's ok.

You don't have to be "my people" for me to see my worth. 

Or yours.

It may create more discomfort than I'd like, and it may require more work than we can do in that single moment, 

but it does not take away from either of our roles in this life.

It only begs us to be more curious.

What I Believe

My belief is that we all have a purpose.

And, that, deep down, we want to live a life of purpose.

I believe it is easy to believe the lie that to have purpose we must perform epic acts.

In fact, I believed that lie for a long time.  I now believe living our purpose is just simply living our truth in each moment as it comes.

I also believe that for most of us it takes a lot of bravery and courage to show up to our purpose- our truth;

To speak it and to live it.

Not to mention, I'm pretty sure it can often take a lot of work to remove all the layers of BS that obscure just what it is.

At least, it has been that way for me.

And, I believe, just what it is has always been a part of us.

I believe finding it requires that we quiet all the fear voices running through our head

-all the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" and "what will they thinks."

I believe to quiet it we must find time to sit in stillness with ourselves.

We need time to process all of those thoughts and feelings; to sort them out and examine them.

It's so much easier to hide under the layers of BS and distraction.

But we need time and stillness to let that quieter voice

-the one that's way down deep in the core of our truest selves-

rise to the surface.

That's the real work.  That, and accepting ourselves within each layer as we peel it back and discover what's hiding underneath.

And then it's the acceptance that facilitates the allowing of that quiet voice to not just step forward, but for us to give it value.

And as we give it value, it is the bravery and courage that has to kick in for us to not just listen to it, but to follow it as well.

It is my truest desire that we will all come to know our purpose, and that we will live so in purpose that we will have more joy than misery in our lives.

That isn't to say we should deny that misery, because life will always have painful moments.

I just happen to think that the more we live according to our truth- our purpose- the less that misery can keep us down.

I believe that there is purpose to be found in pain.  I believe that finding purpose in pain can reveal our super powers.

I believe the more we accept that everything has its place, the more we can live a life less clouded by resistance and shame.

And I believe the less resistance and shame, the more layers we can peel back. 

And that under each new layer, we will find more and more truth, more and more purpose, and thus more and more joy.

And I believe the number one key to all of this is to always be curious;

And to always be willing to learn and expand.

Of Resolutions and Such....

I've never been one for resolutions, but as we've entered into the new year I have definitely looked back at what I've enjoyed and what I've learned over the last.

I've thought about what I want to release and what I want to let in.

In this coming year I want to release the pattern in me that says I have to "fix things."

There is some part of me that thinks the whole world is going to end if I can't make people happy.

Just like anything, this can be a blessing and a curse.

The problem is when I lose who I am in the mix- when I become so riddled with anxiety and shame that I say (or don't say) or do (or don't do) things that are not in alignment with who it is I really am.

Wanting to fix things, some would say, can often come from not wanting to feel the discomfort of those things ourselves.

So I'm starting there.

I want to carry with me the following questions into daily life, so I can sooner identify when I'm in this pattern, and sooner step out of it:

𐩑⚬✩⚬𐩑

↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝

Question #1:
Am I trying to fix this?

Question #2:
If yes, what am I trying to fix?

Question #3:
Why am I trying to fix it?

Question #4:
What will I gain from "fixing it"?

(and finally)

Question #5:
What could I gain from letting it go and NOT fixing it?

↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝

⚬𐩑✩𐩑⚬

As for what I want to allow in- it's spending more time with the people who make me feel supported;

Those who make me feel like I /B E L O N G/,

NOT like I have to fit in.

I have come to realize in these last few years-increasingly so- how V E R Y important it is to surround yourself with people who support you as you already are;

And who see your value even when

-ESPECIALLY when-

👁

 you can't see it yourself. 

I am going to make more dates with these kinds of friends

-and with my dang husband for that matter-haha!

Some days I would rather huddle alone at home and recuperate my energy- and I respect that about myself;

but I'm going to try to start reaching out more.

And maybe just as importantly-

🌟

I want to let in people who not only want to see me shine my light,

🌟 🕯 🌟

but who also want to shine theirs. 

🌟

Because offering that support back is just as important to me.

So I am starting there, too.