A Date with Playfulness

So, when I sit to meditate, I like to burn Sage.

Regular ol' culinary Sage.

And sometimes I think about that.

I think about what is normally perceived about a person who does things like that.

And I think about where I stand on the other end of that perception.

I honestly don't do it to clear spirits or energy- though I do like the idea of the latter, and try to treat it as somewhat of a ritual of entering into stillness when I meditate.

So one day as I was burning my Sage- watching it dance and swirl around my hands and in the light coming through the windows- I thought, "Why do I do it?"

And in response, I also think:

Well, I enjoy the smell for one thing.  But I also like to just play in the smoke.

I like to see how it whirls and twirls in the light; the way it blooms up around and through my fingers and toes.

I like the heat of it on my wrist and feet.

In this moment, I'm actually thinking these things as I'm doing them, and then this really neat thing happens.

I start to realize that I have this involuntary smile that feels like it is literally lighting up my face.

And then, I realize that these thoughts have brought this energy into my body that is so buoyant, and it's just rising up and beaming right out of me!

And I start thinking about this feeling and identify it as a feeling of playfulness.

As I recognize it as playfulness, the energy just beams that much more out of me- I mean this smile felt so big;

and strong.

Robust.  Yeah.  I think that's the word for it!

And as I realize that this sense of playfulness can elevate my energy this much, I start wondering,

"Where all does this feeling show up for me in my life?"

Because it feels damn good!

And because I start to think that maybe if we can identify where it shows up for us, we can begin to understand what brings us joy;

and we can follow that joy;

and we can lead more fulfilled lives.

Or, at the very least, we can begin to use playfulness as a tool to dispel the gloomies- to lift us up out of those dark places.

So for me, this feeling often shows up in the stillness- when my thoughts and imagination can have a spotlight to play in.

Or just when I get a good idea and suddenly have this stream of thoughts of how to accomplish that idea (I usually have to write it all down).

I feel it with certain music.

I feel it when I dance.

I feel it when I sing (alone in the car, of course).

I can feel it when I'm creating something.

And then I consider the places it doesn't always show up.

And I start to think on what it feels like to feel free.

Free, that is, from the confines of expectations, anxiety, and fear.

In the stillness, in the music, in the moments where I'm creating- I'm able to step away from those things.

And I realize- when you're holding the hands of fear and anxiety, you can't hold hands with playfulness.

I think it just may be impossible.

But, if you find yourself in that place where you can't let go...

Maybe, just maybe, if you know where to find playfulness- and you make a date with it- maybe you can find your way back into the light of joy and freedom.

Welcoming Belief Without Delusion: A String of Thoughts

It began with a Christmas book I was reading to Flora: The Littlest Christmas Tree: A Tale of Growing and Becoming by Janie Jasin.

In the book, this tiny tree is dreaming of what she will become as she grows, and along the way she learns to revel in the beauty of each moment.

It ends with this beautiful paragraph:

“Thank you, Dear Creator, for Life.

Thank you for Dreams. 

Thank you for Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings. 

Most of all, thank you for choosing me to grow - just for today - 

and to know the Wonder of Your World 

and its many Possibilities.” 

As I thought about how this book touched my heart, I also thought about this idea of a "Creator."

I began thinking that we, as humans, have minds geared toward creating: 

creating stories, 

creating tools, 

creating inventions, 

creating cultures,

creating communities,

creating movements,

creating life,

etc...

In this respect, it seems only natural that we would also think of ourselves as creations.

And, thus, that we have a creator.

And considering I find myself thinking that labeling what I consider consciousness as a human-like deity a bit limiting, I considered how it had still moved my spirit.

Which took me to the thought loop of whether or not being created caused us to have creation-based thoughts and actions, or if it's the other way around.

Inside out, or outside in?

Though I think the answer matters little, I still ponder over it as this wonder of humanity that we can even ask such questions.

And as a wonder, I can see no beginning or end- or at least where it would lie.

Which gives rise to this idea of eternity and a never ending circle. 

And the wonder of these thoughts having no need of a human-like deity* for them to be expansive to my spirit.

(*I feel like I should make note that I have no judgement or shame for anyone who does feel more comfortable with a deity.)

Something inside me "pings" at just being aware of it.

Then, days later, my lovely friend and photographer, Jill England, shared a quote with me from this Instagram account that put it in a whole new perspective for me.  A small piece of it goes like this:

⍣★⍣     

"Enlightenment is not limited to any religion or education. 

      It is a very real experience... 

      The process begins with broadening the context of the 'I am.'  

      Where 'I am' no longer implies just this body with its borders being the flesh.  

      Instead this 'I am'  is the entire living world..."

⍣★⍣

And I realized that, anything that broadens our spirits and our mindful awareness; that expands our sense of love and connection to all things- 

I'M SO FOR IT! ✊

And it seems to make it to where I'm able to embrace this idea of belief in a "Creator."

Even if it isn't my way of seeing or labeling it.

Because I really have come to think that belief is just inherent to who we are as a species.

So it seems like a waste to be completely resistant to it.  I mean, to believe there is nothing to believe in is still a belief, right?

But, then, I can also see where a line could be drawn; I can see why someone might become resistant to this idea of belief.

Because all too often belief comes with delusion.

An unwillingness to be honest with ourselves and to really search within.

Too often belief is intellectualized without being internalized into our spirit.

When a person holds tight to a belief without any sense of inner worthiness, it has potential to become delusional.

Belief without a sense of  your own inner knowing can come to mean that you hold tight to what you're taught because it's what you've been taught- not necessarily because it's the best path for your soul.

On the extreme end, ungrounded belief can lead to heinous acts.

On the lighter end, it can cause people to think they need to throw their beliefs in the "non-believer's" face at every turn.

Which is no surprise if everyone else is taught at a young age- as I was when I was in church- that

 "each time you miss a chance to witness, it is potential blood on your hands."

I think about that now like ::whoa::.

Because, as a kid who was very ungrounded in my own sense of self-worth, I took that to heart!

And I'm pretty sure I was pretty annoying-haha!

But I digress.....

Christianity was the earliest stepping stone on my path to spiritual growth, but I had to step away from it to see it's real purpose in my life.

And because I can now see that undercurrent of wanting to be loved and to be worthy- and to spread that love and worthiness to others- in nearly all forms of belief,

I can now embrace it; embrace belief- play with it, take from it what I need and leave what I don't-without delusion.

And now that I know what feels right for my soul's path- and what doesn't- I can embrace it in others as well.

˃˃💛˂˂

Curious and Creative

Two things have been at the forefront of my thoughts lately:

→creativity & curiosity←

And I feel like they go hand in hand.

I've been thinking about how important it is to stay curious in all sorts of scenarios.

For one thing, I imagine life- with this consciousness we carry- would be really boring and miserable without some form of curiosity.

Curiosity is like the action of the wrist twisting the doorknob to lead you outside of a dark room.

If you follow it, you need never be stuck for long.

And after hearing the illustrious  Brené Brown say so, I knew it was true- that curiosity is one of the most effective tools you can have as a leader.

Being curious

- instead of reactive and defensive- 

allows for this safety,  

that we don't always have, 

within a potentially uncomfortable conversation.

That sense of safety then has this potential to lead to clearer communication, greater kindness, and more effective problem-solving.

And that's just with two scenarios, my friends 😉.

Then there's creativity. 

To be creative, you have to have imagination; 

and you have to be curious.

You have to be able- and willing- to think up, or consider, something that doesn't already exist.

And it allows you to give possibility to what may seem impossible.

And the expansiveness it creates within us is, I dare say, down right therapeutic!

As humans, this has got to be- 

really and truly-

one of our innate super powers.

Look at all the stuff we've created that didn't exist before!

In childhood, our imagination is a part of us that we barely have to think about.

But as we grow to have more and more responsibilities, 

and especially as we have to start "adulting,"

it is my belief that this creativity- this imagination- can get drowned in all the "have-tos" and "should-dos" we are met with.

It is easy to begin to believe that the imagination we once had, needs to be left behind- 

or at least put on the back burner 'til all the "important stuff" is done.

In fact, this is a belief I unknowingly held onto into my 30s.

Only in the recent years have I come to value the importance of letting my imagination and creativity flow.

And in doing so, I can't help but think that, as adults, we are not only still allowed to prioritize our creativity and imagination;

but that it is also imperative.

Without creativity and imagination, we live a half-life; 

we live in a sort of dragged out misery.

And don't trick yourself into thinking that these parts of us only apply to the artist or the writer or the dancer or the crafty person.

They show up in everything if we allow them:

problem-solving, gardening, business planning, marketing, conversation, meditation, driving, goal setting, cooking, exercising, etc., etc....

Creativity and imagination are an innate part of us, 

and I really do think we can stand to benefit from valuing them 

and prioritizing them 

more than we do.

If you think you'd like to try, but you don't know where to start, let me give you a tip that worked for me.

Make a list of 20 things you like to do.

It doesn't matter how long it has been since you've done these things.

Pick at least one thing from that list and dedicate a set time to do it.

What you are doing is scheduling a date with yourself to let your inner child out to play.

Here, you are satisfying both your logical inner adult- by scheduling it- and your creative imagination- by letting it play.

And, if you're like me, the results may just change your life.

💛

Life-Long Sorrow

I could come up with a million and one reasons why I haven't sat at this keyboard for almost a month.

But as I contemplate them, one thing comes to mind:

I haven't felt like being seen or heard.

Shortly after my last post, my mom and dad went into ICUs at different hospitals at the same time.

It has sucked out my energy, my creativity, and my engagement quota.

I have wanted to hide and avoid any and everything possible.

I have felt overwhelmed and sinking.

I've still had work and a five-year-old and a household.

I haven't felt relaxed, well-rested, or excited in weeks.

And even though the worst was mostly over after the first week or so, the ripple effect is still jarring me.

Things I had prioritized before this shift still feel undone- weighing and waiting on me.

I'm in mourning, seemingly, for a routine and energy that seem to have slipped through my fingers.

My dad had a stroke in the back of his brain.  He actually has come out of it pretty darn well, considering, but it is going to mean more time and involvement in his life for me.

My mom had irregular heart rhythms, verging on v-tach.  That has been resolved and her heart is better than before, but now her mental health is back to being very unstable.

My mom has had just about every "negative" diagnosis under the sun: schizophrenia, bi-polar, manic depressive, anxiety disorder, depression, and now, in her later years, dementia.

She's had such a long run of being stable this time, though, that it seems to have spoiled me.

Dealing with this is always hard for me.  It's often hard to tell how much of her behavior is her illness and how much is her personality.

And the negativity of it tugs on me and pulls me under with it if I'm not prepared.

See, I have no comforting memories of my mother.

My whole life, the feelings that have surrounded my relationship to her have been things like:

Guilt
Pity
Shame
Anger
Helplessness
Sadness
Crazy

What little bit of stability there has ever been has always been short-lived.  And even in those times, she wasn't living with me or raising me.

Often, when I'm anxious, I will play scenarios that have either gone "wrong" or have potential to go "wrong" over and over in my head.

And it seems to happen automatically.

I'll envision the scenario with me explaining all the things that I might have said to make it go better, or how I'd like to say them should this worst-case confrontation play out.

It's as if some part of me thinks that if I can get it right in my head, all will not be lost.

That I'll have some kind of control over it.

So on my way to work one morning, having one of those anxious conversations in my head,

I stopped and thought:

"I'm doing it again.  Why am I always so anxious about upsetting people, anyway?"

And while it isn't necessarily abnormal to be anxious about upsetting someone, it can sometimes totally change my behavior and disrupt my mental health.

Then a thought came to me that I have never, ever thought before:

"You're afraid that if you upset someone, you'll never be forgiven for it.  You're afraid it's the end."

Ok.  I get that.  But why?

And then I realized, thinking back to my childhood,

to memories of the people in my life- and most specifically, my mom-

that because of her outbursts, and irrational anger, and the way it was projected onto me,

I had been in tons of scenarios where I felt I had upset her.

And not one of those scenarios ever had a resolution.

No talking about it afterwords.  No apology or explanation.

Nothing.

Looking back, I can now see these scenarios had nothing to do with me whatsoever.

But I internalized that I was to be guilty and blamed for many things not even regarding me, and that I was not to be forgiven for them.

I internalized it as emotional trauma.

I've never looked at her and thought "You've never forgiven me."

But when these things popped into my head, it made sense.

It explains that crippling anxiety of upsetting people.

It explains why, when I'm depleted and upset, I go straight to guilt.

It explains why I find reasons in my head for people not to like me, and then worry over the reality of it.

It explains why I have a hard time with self-trust.

🔼
⥈
🔽

But it also explains why I'm so empathetic.

Why I root for the underdog.

Why I crave connection and communication.

Why I want to see the best in people.

Why I believe, when someone is showing their worst self, that underneath all of that is pain and not evil.

It's why I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

It's why I want to deconstruct a person's worst behaviors to see the scenarios that led them to this state instead of condemning them for it.

And it's why I want to be part of the solution by offering understanding and love and permission to others.

🔼
⥈
🔽

So, while these traumas sometimes feel like my life-long sorrows

it isn't lost on me that they can also be my superpower.

⇝◑⇜

Mindful Leadership- aka: My Passionate Love Letter to the World

>>💛<<

After listening to a recent podcast interview with Brené Brown and Marie Forleo, my wheels really got to turning on how important I think it is for there to be more mindful leaders in this world.

I also realized that to be a leader, you don't have to own a business or have employees.

If you're a parent, you're a leader.

If you're a teacher, you're a leader.

If there is anyone who looks up to you, listens to you, counts on you; you're a leader.

And as a leader, I think it is important now more than ever to be mindful.

And to be mindful

-and let's be honest, more efficient-

I believe you have to understand a few important things and how they can affect not only you, but those around you.

The things that I currently think are the most important are:

shame, vulnerability, empathy, curiosity, and judgement.

Or, at least, these are the topics that have drawn my extreme interest most recently.

Speaking to those leaders out there who are self-identified as such, I believe if you want to level up your leadership in this world, these things are so very ideal to know more about.

And if we hold on to curiosity- the willingness to learn- then I think we will be more able to effectively problem solve.

And problem solving is a part of our daily life- whether we see ourselves as leaders or not.

But the only way to effectively problem solve, is to effectively communicate, right?

And to effectively communicate, I believe,  you have to understand shame.

I think shame lies at the base of all the other things I've listed as important.  Once you understand shame, you can build on that knowledge to understand all of the rest.

I think when you understand shame, you can then, also, understand more clearly not only your own motives and actions, but also the motives and actions of those around you.

And with this clarity, I believe we can more easily put aside our triggers, to then effectively communicate our needs, and more clearly hear the needs of others- even if they are still acting out of shame.

I loved the idea of asking the people you trust most to speak to you- to give you language and verbal affirmation- as to what your value is to them.

And I really loved how, in the interview, Brené talks about how important it is to know our core values, as well.

And even more, I loved the exercise she mentions where you get together with others around you

-whether it's people you work with or live with or whoever you might be sharing a lot of your time with-

and list two of your highest core values.

That is so lovely!

Can you >>>imagine<<< how much more effectively we could all communicate with each other if we not only knew what our own core values were, but also the core values of the people around us as well?!

That just feels like such a game changer!

And it almost sounds super easy, but then I consider that I haven't always known what my core values are.

And, honestly, I'm only guessing at them now.

I am pretty sure that if I had to list two things that would be at the top of my list for core values, they would have to be things that I prioritize without even thinking about them because they are so a part of who I am and how I operate.

With that in mind, I feel that the top two are:

(1) Connection

and

(2) Learning

When I consider that shame's definition is basically the fear of being disconnected, it doesn't seem so strange for me to feel its importance.

Because, see, I really truly do believe that connection is one of thee most important things in the world.

When you connect with someone, you aren't just listening to them or talking at them.

You are sharing with them.

You are set within a moment where there is no shame, no fear, no who's-better-than.

It is quite possibly the most equal you will ever really feel- and thus be- with another human being.

And in that moment communication can be its clearest.

And those moments can be found anywhere from your home to waiting in the line at the grocery store.

Connection is most powerful to me because it is expansive.

And I've come to find that I crave expansion and growth.

Because just as the universe itself continues to expand, I think it's possible that it is meant to be a part of who we are as well.

So it also makes sense that my second core value is what I believe to be learning.

Learning is growing.  Growing in awareness.  Growing in efficiency at problem solving.

Why would you want to keep butting your head against a wall, when a small piece of information could lead you to the doorknob and out the door to where you're actually trying to go?

It's just so much more efficient to learn and grow.

Which leads me back to shame.

It is my belief that shame leads to the most ultimate miscommunications.

And we all know miscommunication is not efficient.

So maybe try it.

Maybe think about and write down what you think your two core values are.

Think about them.

If it feels right, share them with someone important to you.

If it feels right, ask them to think about and share theirs with you.

Whatever it is we do, I can't help but think that if we all take little steps toward this kind of connection and clarity of communication, that we will be more capable at efficient problem solving

together.

>>💛<<

Belief in Ghosts

'Tis the Spookyween season, so naturally I've found myself in conversations about ghosts.

Let's play with this idea.  Of ghosts.

Why not believe in ghosts?

Invisible things affect our physical bodies all the time.

Some cultures even believe that a ghost is anything that haunts you.

🦇👻🦇

Like a memory, 

or a mistake, 

or a decision,

or a regret, 

or a habit, 

or a relationship,

or an illness

or an allergy

or a thought 

etc.

🦇👻🦇

Belief in ghosts is this kind of wavy line for me.

I've never had a ghost experience in the traditional sense, myself; but I know some people who have

-or at least believe they have.

And there are other friends who have witnessed some weird-ass unexplainable things.

There have been a few times in my life, however, that this great fear came over me for seemingly no reason. 

This feeling like something was going to suddenly appear and hurt me.

Once was when I had arrived home a few minutes ahead of Mark.

Flora was with me, so we set out while he finished up at his mom's house.

I pulled up; it was dark both inside and outside the house.

I suddenly felt so panicked that I almost pulled out and went back up the road to my mother-in-law's house.

Then I thought that seemed kinda crazy.    (psh)

So I thought about calling him.   That seemed crazy, too.   (psh)

So I did this totally not crazy thing: 

I turned off the car, ran to the other side as fast as I could to unbuckle Flora, ran to the door (which is maybe ten feet away from my car door) as fast as I could, and, all frantic-like, unlocked the door as fast as I could, shut it, and locked it.

That wasn't the end.

Then I had to bravely burst into each room and turn on the lights while frantically searching all hiding spots.

I'm sure I looked like a mad woman (poor Flora).

But it felt like my life was in serious danger!

After all the lights were on inside and outside the house, I calmed down a bit.

The other time- it was also dark- I was walking up the stairs to my father-in-law's empty apartment.

No lights were on inside and I thought I heard a sound like something had plucked the bow hanging on the wall.

My mind went into belief overdrive, I suppose, because, again, I had that feeling like something was going to jump out and git me!

So I grabbed whatever it was I needed and ran back down the stairs barely holding in one of those frightened giggle-shrieks.

I think it is extremely possible-

especially considering that all things are made up of energy/movement/sound-

that what we experience as a "ghost" could be our human brains trying to make sense of something energetic.

I could see that maybe what we experience, we actually shape ourselves with what is already known to us.

Most apparitions are human in origin.  They usually have movement or sound associations as well.

Who's to say that, maybe even, we don't create them ourselves?

I think it is, again, extremely possible, that we may conjure something with our very thoughts/emotions/energy that we don't yet comprehend fully.

I've even considered that maybe those who have seen ghosts in the traditional sense may very well be seeing human entities- but that still they aren't exactly that.

Maybe they are memories attached to a residual energy?

And I don't even mean memories that belong to the person having the experience.

I mean, we now know that memories are stored in our bodies- not just our brain.

So who's to say what is and isn't possible?

Whatever ghosts are, I have found myself thinking that the neat little categorized boxes we put them in may not actually do them justice.

Anyway, if you're reading this and have had your own experiences, I'd enjoy hearing about them. 

:👻*Spooky Disclaimer*👻: 

 I am in no way trying to take away from anyone the experiences they've had.  I am just someone who has not had these experiences myself, playing with expanding the idea of all the things they could be.

Thanks for 🦇 spooking 🦇 by!

Old Words, New Questions

The Morning Glory does not shame the Moonflower 
for blooming in the evening.
                                   ~Me (I think)*

*Today's mood: poetic


I don't think self-love and self-acceptance are quite the destinations we make them out to be.

I think that they are things we come to, lose, and need to be reminded of again and again.

And the messages are carried to us in so many ways: 

🔼

in the lyrics of songs

in sayings

in the scenes of a show

in still moments

in flowers

in the clouds in the sky

in a moment

in a memory of a moment

in a smile

in a sparkle

in a laugh that makes you cry

in a story

in a word alone

...etc...

🔽

This week a word has come to my attention in a whole new light: karma.

In the world I live in, it is usually used like this: "Karma's a bitch."

How often do we hear someone say that in a moment of pain?

Uttered almost as a curse.  As a threat.  A protection, perhaps?

And, yet, if karma is meant to be the act of summoning to ourselves the occurrences, and the people, that teach us our hardest lessons to learn-

the ones we learn through pain and struggle-

the ones we often turn away from again and again-

the ones that offer the most potential for growth-

is it an irony that, as it's being uttered, the karma existing within the actuality of the moment isn't being seen?

And what of dharma?

If it is what allows for celebration- of life, of love, etc- would it be beneficial for it to be constant?

Or could it, like physical celebration, burn us out if not given a rest?

And in this way, do these things not come again and again?  Neither of them being constant?

And in this way, does it not allow for those reminders to be many and needed?

And in this way, does the ebb and flow of pain and joy not seem perfect?

Rinse, Rinse, Repeat

"What time are we upon and where do I belong?"

                                        ~Witch Baby by Francesca Lia Block

↠↠↠𑁌🔼𐩓↞↞↞

As my month off comes to a close I find myself reflecting on the lessons it has brought me; what it has taught me about myself.

Each year, as I'm left to regulate my own routine, I learn something new about myself; about how I operate within the confines of my own scheduling.

I usually flounder a bit before finding my footing, then I lean into the reset.

One thing I notice is that the transitions are always where I find the most resistance.

Letting go of what is established- whether it's the work routine or my own- is always hard.

Last year the floundering lasted most of the month, with me finally adopting a pretty kick-ass-take-my-mornings-back routine right before returning to work.

It took me straight through fall and winter with an ease I have never been able to create without desperation necessity as a driving force.

This year the floundering didn't last more than a week as Flora started preschool shortly after my layoff began.

This left me with this wonderful, freeing, three hour window to start fresh each day.

You give me a whole month to plan and I'll run screaming; but now a three hour window?

That I can work with!

Just as it was with last year's established routine (though they came at different times for different reasons), I seem to go through a mourning of its loss.

Sometimes it can be the loss of something only shortly established.

For instance....

Despite the fact that I'm coming back from a three day beach vacation, I find myself looking at this day after as a recovery.

The shifts seem to disable my footing, and the only thing I can seemingly do to recover it is to rest and reset.  

Which leaves me in the space of reflection.

Reflection is a place where I find comfort in the chaos.  A place where I can take time and make sense of what has passed and where I'm at in all of it.

And I see that I've been finding myself in bits and pieces, here and there.

And that each time I a find a piece of me, I also find "not me," too.

I find my fear in the same place I find my inspiration.  

I find my resistance in the same spaces where I lean in.

I ponder what it says; what it doesn't say; how it feels when the honeymoon phase of discovery is over.

I see what I find myself tossing aside; what I find myself holding onto.

Where there is resistance, I recognize and try to  release.

And there is a sense of comfort in the as-isness of it all.

Even in the resistance. Because it is its own lesson.

Rewind.  Reflect.  Resist.  Reset.  Release.  Recover.

Rinse.  Rinse.  Repeat. 

Fibonacci, Baby!

When I consider what I really enjoy and want out of life, I realize that each thing has a duality.

For instance, I enjoy connecting with people- it really lights me up!  And I also need time alone to recuperate.

Or like with creative endeavors- the feeling of self-discovery that comes with creating is almost addictive at times;

but still, I need some concrete, almost mundane, tasks to ground me as well. 

And any of these- connection, time alone, creating, mundane work, etc.- if binged, can leave me reeling.

And I realize it's perfect that way.

In this moment I realize I love this part of myself.

I love it for keeping me in check regardless of any limiting beliefs I've held in the arena of "all or nothing; 1 or 10."

And I realize that even in belief there is a duality.

I realize we can be where we are without it having to be "right;"  without having to prove that

we.are.right.

Beliefs change and are molded just as we change and are molded.

And again I realize this is perfect.

Because just as the universe is constantly expanding- spiraling outward- I believe that these invisible things- like beliefs- are also meant to expand.

While some things in this physical world benefit from limitation, that which is invisible, I think, benefits from this constant expanding.

The
 
      M I C R O
 
                 following

                                the
                 
                                       M A C R O.

⥀ ⬩Fibonacci, baby⬩ ⥁

Reversion Aversion

So I get a text from my little sister asking if I want to buy cookie dough from my nephew for his fundraiser at school.

Pretty harmless, right?

After responding, I immediately pull up Facebook.

"Why did I come here?" I wonder.  Followed by the question, "Am I really numbing right now?"

Because it wasn't a thought that crossed my mind: "I need to numb now."

In fact, no discernible feeling or thought was connected to me opening Facebook.

I read a text.  I responded.  I was on Facebook.  For no real reason.

Which lead me onto thinking other thoughts.

Like, "How does it feel to talk with my sister?"  And better yet, "How does it feel when I engage with my family?"

And I realize it is a mixture.  A mixture of both comfort and anxiety.

So I explore that further.  "Why would I feel that way?"

I realize that these are the people who have seen me at my absolute worst and lived to tell the tale-haha!

And because I've never lost them over any of that trivial bs, I feel an ease of comfort when talking to them because I have no preconceived ideas of judgement.

But then the anxiety.

I believe when I engage with the family I grew up with it has a tendency to take me back to a different time.

A different me.

What I will refer to as "Trailer Park Ashley."

See, Trailer Park Ashley lives in what seems to be a very small world.

Trailer Park Ashley expects everything to be easy, and spends all of her time happily oblivious; alone in her room with her nose in a book.

Trailer Park Ashley has no goals and no stories of success to look up to.

It's a sense of comfort commingled with a sense of loss.

Loss of self.  Of current self.

And none of this is to say that I suddenly start living my life a different way.

And none of this is to say that it's in our best interest to bury the person we once were at the cost of who we want to become.

(Though I dare say it denotes the fact that I am quite afraid to dig her up and let her live)

It's to say that the potential for my energy to shift back to this space creates a resistance in me.

It's to say that, when I feel these things, I immediately want to avoid those feelings and numb out instead.

And it's sneaky, the way these shadows creep in- the shadows of fear and avoidance.

Remember?  There was no thought process or feeling that said "Leave now.  Enter a happier place.  Distract."

It just happened.

It shows me just how terrified I am of being that trailer park girl again.

Of being the person who never has a fulfilling life because it is easier to get lost numbing out.

And then that leads me to ask myself, "How can I stop fearing that version of me?  How can I show it love instead?"

And that's hard.

Because I'm not entirely sure how much of that self should be loved and embraced.

Luckily, the ↣*ding!*↢  light bulb clicks.  I find the love!  I feel the love.

And yet again, I realize, it's about balance.

That part of me can be unhealthy if it reigns supreme.

BUT, the part of me in there....

                               the part that can be loved....
                                               
                                                  is my ability to sink into enjoyment!

I have the ability to completely bask in a feeling- to enjoy it completely.

But the back hand of that is that I also have the ability to completely wallow in a feeling- to get stuck in a place of misery.

This seems to be the most common theme in my life right now.

Being shown fear, and then realizing that balance is key.

Things are never all shadow nor all light.

And the fact that I have categorized most everything as such (without really even realizing it) has been- I believe- a huge part of my suffering.

Well, thank goodness growth doesn't come without struggle.  Elsewise I suppose I'd be a midget.

HA!

Recurring Thoughts

Recurring thought:

"I need to stop expecting everything to be easy."

This isn't the first time I've had thoughts on my expectations,

and how they trip me up.

This time the thought came to me while I was doing yoga.  I was doing what seemed like it should* be an easy pose,

(*ever heard that phrase: "Don't should on yourself"?)

but I was really feeling the strain on my muscles.

For a moment I thought about settling my body into a more comfortable position, but then a little voice popped up and said,

"You've got to quit expecting everything to be easy."

And I realized that this is the expectation underlying all those moments I find myself wanting to numb out and be lazy; when I want to quit; when I want to stop working on something meaningful.

It makes so much sense to me that pain and discomfort bring growth,

yet,

when I'm met with it, I still tend to greet it with those same old patterns; those same expectations.

Maybe not every time; maybe not even as much as I used to.

And each time it just sort of just sneaks up on me.

When it happens, it can take me days, or even weeks to realize what is going on.

And each time, it feels like an "aha!" moment all over again.

It's kind of like one of those series of mystery novels- where the plot may be different, but the overarching theme and resolution are always the same-haha!

(BOOM! Nerdy literary reference for the win!)

And I suppose that life is just made up of these repeating patterns.

 .....Swirl.....by.....swirl.....

You just keep getting brought back each time, being given another moment to reflect;

another chance to practice.

How about you?  Any recurring thoughts lately?

Gifts and Giving

*Disclaimer: this is just me processing through some new thoughts.  This is in no way saying that giving or receiving gifts is either good or bad.  It's just addressing my complicated relationship with, and emotions around, giving and receiving gifts.

I have what I feel is a complicated relationship with gifts and gift giving.

Or maybe it isn't that it's complicated, but that, again, I'm beginning to see another space in my life that could do with a little more pause-and-think;

 a little more balance.

I love how it feels to receive gifts.  I also love how it feels to give gifts.

But maybe not all gifts and giving are equal?

Gifts can be a way to show you care and think fondly of someone and can bring great joy- I don't want to take away from that fact with what I'm going to say with all of this.

But I've also started to think that gifts can also be a way to connect yourself to someone; a way to enter into their life and stake claim.

This could be nefarious, but it could also be because you just don't know any other way to enter into a person's life.  Maybe you're afraid they won't give you a chance to enter in, so you sort of pave the way with gaining their gratitude by giving a gift?

This doesn't have to be a negative thing, either, but I think it's best to be aware of the giver- especially if this is someone you don't know very well.

And by that, I mean that maybe it is best to think on a gift when given.  Don't just jump to the conclusion that this person is completely selfless, and that you are a selfish little bitch if you aren't just as thoughtful. (I'm talking to you there, voice in my head)

It's about context.  And, yet again, it's about balance and boundaries.

Having these thoughts has made me consider my own relationship with gift giving.  It makes me want to make sure I question my own motives in the future.

I mean, how many times have I given gifts because of a perceived pressure?  Or really, guilt? (don't wanna be that selfish little bitch, do I?)

I have reeeeeeeal big issues with gift guilt.

When I am unexpectedly given a gift, but I've never gifted that person or don't have something to give in return, I feel MEGA guilt.

So I'm finding myself examining that.  Where did I learn that?  Why do I feel that way about it?

I know, that at it's root, it has to do with worry that someone is going to think I don't care about them as much as they care about me.

I don't wanna be no selfish little bitch!

And when I feel guilt, I try to hide it before it can be seen by covering it up with overcompensating.

***I feel the need to interject here by saying that this is not the situation with everything.

There are people in my life to whom it gives me great joy to gift.

But it's funny, isn't it?  How we carry things around with us, and never give them a thought. 

I can now see that this is something I've done for a long time, but I've never really given it language.

I'm starting to be able to tell there is a difference of...... feeling, when both giving and receiving, in certain circumstances.

And maybe it's just because I am starting to actually pay more attention to how I feel.  Maybe it's because I actually am starting to slow down and check in more.

I think about how I've had a dad from far away sending me more gifts than I could ever give back. 

The way I've enjoyed the feeling of getting those gifts without really having that relationship cultivated- without knowing how to cultivate it.

The way, as I've gotten older, I've started to notice the guilt around receiving those gifts.  The guilt of calling to say thanks when I haven't called in a while.  The guilt of not calling instead.

(Working through my dad issues-or even realizing I have them- is new to me and a whole other topic entirely.)

I look back and realize that I have lived a good portion of my earlier years thanking strangers: teachers bringing "anonymous" Christmas gifts, people I've never met giving hand-me-downs, estranged sisters who live far away sending me birthday cards with money in them.

My life- at least the formative years- has been a string of half-formed relationships.

And I think these associations would most likely take on a different form had I had the emotional support and engagement that I needed from my closest family during that time.

Instead, those relationships were the ones I was trying to survive (not realizing it then as I do now).

So these things were maybe impressed upon me at an age when I had no way of really understanding or articulating them.  And certainly the ones impressing them upon me didn't either.

So, I suppose, there's a lot to be uncovered going forward. 

Sometimes the uncovering is a bit uncomfortable and I may have a negative, knee-jerk reaction to it.

But sitting back and writing it all out, reading it back to myself, it helps me really see it.

When I started writing this post, it was with this feeling of distrust in others.  This need to point out that not everyone has pure intentions.

But as I began to write, I began to see that even that was only reflecting me back to myself.

Sometimes we can get angry, or even suspicious, and still it doesn't have to mean anyone is bad.

It could just mean that something inside of us is throwing up that alert to be examined.  And I feel that this is exactly what that was.

This was just another reminder from myself- my true self- that I need to

Wait.  Process. 

To not jump to action based on my perception of what is expected of me.

I'm still learning to check in with silent moments; those silent moments I have purposefully carved out.

Now, perhaps, it is time I bring those silent moments with me.  That I keep them in my back pocket, ready to pull out and use before each and every response.

To stop hiding them away, afraid to expose them.

Yeah.

My silent moments can come along with me as my very own safe guard.  Anyhow, it seems like a pretty good conclusion to me.

Everything is a Song

Well, it's been two weeks ("since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry...")

Yeah, yeah.  I'm a cornball and everything is a song in my head ("in my heeeeeaaad, in my hea-ah-ah-eeead, zohhhhmbie, zohhhhhhmbie, zohhmb-ie-ie-ie"). See what I mean?

That's just how my brain do.

But for real, it's been two weeks.  Last Sunday I'd finished up my yoga and meditation and was feeling pretty good about writing, but then leaving for dinner caught be by surprise (sort of).

Now I'm not entirely sure what I was even going to write about-ha!

Something gleaned during meditation, of course, but what was it.....

Maybe I should stop right now and go meditate and see what comes up....

Eh, but anyway, I have learned some lessons these last two weeks:

1. The more a person reveals their deepest flaws to me, the more I trust them
2. That's not always healthy
3. This is yet another place I'm learning balance and boundaries
4. I need to learn to say "Let me get back to you" more often than I say "Yes/Yeah/Sure/Of course!"

I've heard it said that we draw people into our life for a reason.  I like that.

It helps me think of this situation that way.

When I find myself frustrated with a thing or a person or a situation, I can ask myself "What's the purpose of this?  What can I learn from this?"

And then the thing, the person, or the situation no longer feels like this ominous thing- this enemy.

Then the thing becomes significantly profound*. 

*Say it in a dreamy voice with me now:  PRO-FOOOOUUUUND.

Which is great for me, because my little critter brain- the one that operates on fear and tells me that pretty much everything is a threat- can rest a little easier.

So my lesson this week, more than any of the others, is to take the time to actually evaluate how I feel about someone/something before jumping in.

My husband would probably tell you that this will never happen.  That I do it every time.

And I suppose it's true.  I always think the next one is different than the one before.

But maybe that's what could give me pause in the future.

Maybe when something feels so good and so new, before signing up for something that I can't sustain, I can say to myself:

(in my best Mommy voice) 

"Now, now, Ashley.  I know you're very excited, but let's think about this for a minute.  Maybe there are some things you aren't considering due to your excitement?"

I just have a tendency to be all heart and no head.  I know that isn't a bad thing, I just need to gain some balance in this area of my life.

And just like so many things, it'd seem the lessons I'm learning along this path called life are mostly two steps forward, one step back (we come together 'cause opposites attract, ah you know..).  Ha!  It happened again...

But hey, at least the path will be well-worn, right?

The Small Things

Last night my husband and I got to go on a date. 

It feels like it has been forever since we've been able to spend any amount of time together, just us.

It's become a small issue that we don't feel quite as connected as we once did; that we feel more different and distant than ever.

So, we did some regular date stuff- we ate at a restaurant and went treasure hunting at the thrift store.

I knew we were off to a good start when, over our dinner, the conversation turned to life things, and the possible whys behind human behavior- our own behavior.

And then all the little things after that felt the most magical.

We took a night time stroll on the river walk in our town.

I felt myself begin to just soak up these moments. 

How mystical it felt to walk at night again; seeing the light shine on the water- donning it "Dazzling Waters (and feeling very Anne-like in doing so);

spotting all the spider webs I could find and "weeds" I could name;

leaning out over the peer to put my hand in the water that was churning from the turbines;

For some reason this made me feel daring and mysterious.

people-watching and musing, again, on human behavior with Mark.

Then came the ride home. 

The fog was showing itself in the headlights, and we let ourselves get lost on back roads.

I fully sank into the thrill of it.

As Depeche Mode's Precious played from his curated playlist, I thought, "If he really values this song, then maybe we're not so different these days after all."

I almost said it out loud, but decided to let it be my own secret revelation for the moment.

I just held that feeling.  I held it so tight.  Knowing that the only magic is ever in the moment.

I believe it is as the old Roald Dahl quote goes:

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

While I'm someone who believes in magic- the invisible kind- I don't always see it.

I suppose, on this night, though, my eyes-and my heart- did sparkle.

Rainy Day Possibilities

As I sit here with a stuffy head and runny nose on a rainy day with Harry Potter playing in the background, I realize that it totally slipped my mind to write at all last week!

Also, days like today feel totally perfect. 

There is something about the combination of a rainy day- already giving us permission to slow down- and the self-care needed when nursing a head cold, that is just too cozy not to find enjoyment in it.

Also, I have a sense of expansiveness as there are possibly new opportunities on the brink. 

I won't say too much, as nothing is yet set in stone.  What I will say is that an opportunity for me to test my resolve- to shush the fear of my critter brain and take a step toward the unknown, and toward trusting myself- has been presented.

No matter the outcome, I will at least have taken a step, outside of my comfort zone, on a path toward a goal.  And for me, that feels pretty big.

Well, I suppose I'm off to blow my nose and fix another cup of hot tea.

Until next time.....

In Flow

It's funny how a journey works.

You spend a lot of time hearing about others', fantasizing about telling your own tale, and don't even realize that it is already in the making.

I realized this today. 

See, I am, for the first time in my life, considering embarking on and investing in myself in a way I never have.

Through a series of sparks, I am now quite seriously considering training to become a Health Coach.

It's crossed my mind in the past, but I never gave much time to entertaining the thought.

I did, once upon a time, Google what it meant to be a Health Coach.

I found some articles that were stuff like "Health Coaching vs. Therapy," with arguments and agreements on each side as to which one was "best."

In this same search I found an extremely bland website that had some training courses starting at around $2000.

At that time-and many times with past interests- I saw that number and filed it away as just a whim.

I jumped on the "I can't afford that so I can't have that," boat and sailed off to some other interest.

But recently, through a string of inspirational interviews and website searches, I found an Institute that I think might be a good fit for me.

One of the indicators to me that this is a serious interest this time, is that the tuition is between $5000 and $7000 dollars, yet the first thing that came to mind was how to save/raise money toward this goal.

WHAT?!

That has literally never happened to me in this situation.

So I'm listening. 

I don't know how long it'll take me to get there.  I'm considering using any money I can make from selling my artwork to go toward that fund.

I've got an idea or two brewing in the back of my head, but I won't go into all those details here.

I've been cautious thus far in even mentioning this to anyone because of my habit of becoming very excited about an idea and not staying committed.

In fact, I'm even starting to view that habit in a different light.

Up until now I've seen it as a way to validate this deeply wired and troublesome story I tell myself- that I can't trust myself.

"Oh, that's just me.  Overexcited and under-motivated."

But now, knowing what I know- that you must engage interest to find your passion- I think, "Huh.  Maybe it's not that I'm a failure at commitment.  Maybe I'm just still searching."

I can at least say that I certainly like that story much better.

And it feels like, moving forward on this path, I would not just be moving in the direction of doing work that is fulfilling- though that I believe it would be.

It feels like taking the next step is actually honoring that I can trust myself.

Honoring that I actually know who I am, and what I'm good at.

I mean to say that I have begun to realize that I believe it is my truest self that wants to connect to others.  That wants to help others.

It is the one thing that comes to mind when the question is asked, "What comes as naturally to you as breathing?"

Humorously, my first answer to that is TALKING!  DUH!

But really, the why beneath the why- why do I love to talk?- is because talking with someone, sharing stories, is connecting.

So back to this idea of a journey.

I found myself thinking back to what got me here, in this place, where such a change could occur.

At first I thought, "It's art.  Art is where it started."  Because this current chapter of my story did start there.

With a book, actually.  The Artist's Way  (this is not an affiliate link, just fyi)

It was given to me by my dear friend, Amy.  In this book was instructions to make a list of 20 things you liked to do, regardless of how long it had been since you last did them.

On that list of 20 things, one that I chose to re-engage was collage.

This simple act brought me, several years later, to the place where I could sell my work; having yet a new experience I'd never had before- a feeling of confidence in and fulfillment from something I created.

And, also, furthering my journey toward self-trust.

But then I thought, "No, it goes back further than that, even."

And, again, a transformation was sparked by yet another book, given to me by yet another great friend.

So Alice gave me Personal Power Through Awareness.* (also not an affiliate link)

*Disclaimer: You do NOT have to believe in Orin (the spirit guide in the intro to this book) to get something out of this book.  I know I didn't.

It is actually what took me down this side path to becoming more aware of my truest self- something that I now believe we're all doing, whether consciously or not.

And that side path is what was able to lead me to the next side path, and now to this.

Putting it all together I nearly laughed as I saw this as my journey.

And smiling at the thought that I never knew one thing was going to lead to the next.

The thought of all of that what felt like dead space in between.  All the waiting it felt like I was doing.

I was transforming all the while!

And to add complexity to it all, I became a mother right in the middle of it all!  Haha!

So there it is. 

It may not be the very beginning, but when I look back to where things all started to change and take on new meaning, that's where it's at.

For anyone who may be interested in what institutes I'm considering, the one at the top of my oh-so-short list is this one.

If you have any insight, input, or advice, let me know!

Thanks for witnessing this journey with me, whoever you may be out there reading this!