I Admire This, But I Am Not This

So there's something that I finally realized in these last few years since ye old blogging days:

Just because I admire something about somebody,

it does't mean I have to embody it within myself.

"Well, duh, Ashley.  We knew that."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know.

But even when I thought I did, I didn't.  Not reeeally.

Not in my whole being.  The only reason I even know that now

is because 

it's different when you do.

**Confession:  I totally started writing this mere minutes after the last blog.  I was reading a newsletter and it just came over me to get started.  Now, shall we continue?**

Anyway,

I can't tell you how many "phases" I've went through, completely committing to- usually for some short time- an idea of myself that I think I'm meant to embody.

Oh man.  My husband- who has been with me going on, mmm, 15 years- has seen them all.  And, yet, he's made it out alive somehow-haha!

But I've finally realized that I do.not.have to become the things I value in order to value myself.

In fact, in letting that whole thing go, it's been kinda like letting go of some sort of resistance.  Weird, huh?

I mean, when you think about it, it didn't feel anything like resistance, but more like a clinging onto.

Still, letting that expectation go has actually allowed me to expand, or kinda like, lean more into, the things that I like.

Plants, for instance.

When I first learned about all of the amazing things plants do, especially the ones we never think much about- the "weeds"- it felt like some magical, secretive world had come into existence! 

I thought it such a noble thing to be an herbalist.  So special, and connected, and pure.  

The idea that there is free food and medicine right beneath our feet just waiting to be noticed!.....

I mean it sounds just like where a fairy tale would begin, doesn't it!?  Something like:

(*with dramatic inflection*)

"....and then there she was, transported to another world; one where anything was possible and magic was real; one where the plants were alive and had being and spoke in different voices and languages..."

....Well....you get it.  Flowery.

So I suppose it really isn't strange that I'd be so captivated by it that I'd want to embody it.

Then the newness wore off.  It always does.  

But my interest would still peak from time to time, and instead of enjoying it, I'd spend most of that time chastising myself for all the other time I'd spent NOT "prioritizing" it.

It's hard to enjoy something while you're being gotten onto.  

Even if  you're the one doing it.

But when I let that go, when I accept the cycle of my interests, then there's more of a flow.  And I get more out of it.

Not to say I've mastered this.  

Just this past fall I was really drawn into the magic of a particular membership group.

Oh man did I give myself a hard time about that.  In the end, I made the decision that was best for me, but not before the voices battled it out:

"Do you need to spend your money on this right now?"

"If you don't, are you being reasonable, or are you just not letting yourself have what you want?"

 "Do you ever just let yourself have what you want?  You really should just let yourself indulge sometimes."

It was like I was in the depths of self-analysis hell.  And why?

Well, I think this is what happens when I wanna do the dive, but the dive ain't right, ya know?

It's just my way.  Which, by the way, is something else I've accepted.

I'm an all in learner, baby!  And it's a-ok.

It just doesn't mean I have to spend $200 to join a group. 

It also doesn't mean I have to purchase all the necessary (and sometimes unnecessary) tools to achieve a certain craft.

It just means I like to immerse.  I get right to the center and pull out what I need.  

And I don't NEED it ALL.

And still I get lulled in sometimes.  But I always come around.  And, once I (again) release the "I-should-bes" I can then observe it as a lesson learned. 

I can accept that it peaked my interest very strongly, and allow it to reveal me to myself.

I can comfortably tuck that knowledge away, and eventually build on it.

Not saying I don't move slow, though.

I mean, let's see, I've realized my place in the garden may not have to be what it was when I set out for abooooout, I don't know, maybe a year? now.

Yeah, see, that's one that still likes to creep in and talk guilty to me. 

It likes to tell me I've abandoned our dream for this place.  

I haven't completely got over that one (break ups are hard ya'll; even if they are only with the voices in your head).

I did, at least, realize at some point that the guilt wasn't doing us any good.  I've just still struggled to find my place in it all.

And yet.....

Today.....

So. I managed to get up before Flora and take a stroll outside.


I managed to slow down, listen to the songs the birds were singing, and really look around me.

I mean, have you looked at the ground these last few weeks?

That shiz is LUSH!


And I got a little excited.

Ok, ok.  So I grabbed my camera  just this once.  

But, really, isn't she just about the most perfect thing

 you ever did see?

I noticed a patch of Bull Thistle that seemed to be marching down the back slope of one of our swales.

Then I noticed a patch of Lyre Leaf Sage a little further along.

I started seeing a shape and a pattern that was already there; and I started thinking how if Bull Thistle could grow there maybe Milk Thistle could, too!

Then I started wondering what other kinds of Sages might like to grow with Lyre Leaf, and how maybe where the pockets of thick White Clover grow I could also grow some Sweet Clover and some Red Clover!

The point is, my mind became all a-flurry with thoughts:  Thoughts to do some research; to order some seeds; to experiment with the shape that already exists and introduce something similar, yet new.

And I'm pretty sure the real, true, underlying excitement here is this:  "Maybe this is it!  Maybe this is my place!"  (in regards to the garden, that is)

I'm not sure that I could have arrived to that, not just thought, but feeling, if I was still trying to wallow in that guilt.  I think I'd be too focused on the guilt to see what was already there.

So, whether it is or not, I'm gonna let it be what it is while it is.

And I'm not going to hold myself up to expecting this to be something that's on priority lane 24/7.

I'll try it out and see where it takes me.

I'll get back with you and letcha know.

Meditation is //definitely// a Practice

For me, at least

I mean, thank goodness I let go of the expectation to sit in total mental silence for 10 minutes.

There's no way!

I mean, can anyone?

For me, when I sit still, that's when my mind takes off.  It's as if it's just waiting for me to pay attention.

Which is fine.  I just acknowledge what wants to be seen, and try to come back to the breath.

But I didn't actually intend this whole thing to be about meditation.  Nope.  Just like last week, there have been a few things floating around in this head of mine.

(It's kinda neat.  Instead of stressing out too much about it, I just kinda think "Well, when I start typing I'm sure what wants to  come out will."  And I suppose it does.)

The beginning of the week brought me to thoughts of mental chatter and how it relates to writing.

So I've been on a Marie Forleo kick for a few months now, and she interviews so many inspiring people!

She was interviewing a writer (and to be honest I really can't remember which one it was...possibly Elizabeth Gilbert, Cheryl Strayed, Brene Brown or Danielle Laporte-I'm fairly sure it was at least one of those......) and she (the writer) said something along the lines of how

she thought something was wrong with her when she was younger because

she always had these stories, these scenarios, going through her mind.

She thought she might have been crazy.

Well, as I was riding to work the other morning, and my mind was in super chatter mode (which is kinda hilarious because I had skipped meditation that morning and decided my ride to work would be my meditation......) what that woman had said sparked to memory.

You know, I used to write when I was younger. It has never been a passion, per say, but there has always been something inside of me that releases when I do.

In fact, taking to my journal as much as I have lately is part of what got me to thinking, "Maybe I should take up the ol' blog again."

(That, and maaaaaybe this interview with Seth Godin )

I must say,

knowing I'm going to sit at this keyboard each week and type out whatever my mind wants to release

is something I actually look forward to.

Anyway, another thing that my mind connected to this thought was

*ding ding ding*

Anne!  Of Green Gables!

**Disclaimer: You will most likely have to endure much talk about Anne over the next little while here in this inter-space.  I'm reading the book.   Anne is my hero.    And there is just no avoiding it.

One of the things that has always made me feel connected to Anne is how much she talks.

I can't begin to tell you how often I feel like that girl that is way too chatty.

That I'm a misfit is always lingering in the recesses of my mind, waiting to tell me all the reasons someone might not like me or may become upset with me.

(If I could count the number of times I've had to stop myself from over-explainig something to someone just because that voice pops up.....)

And I think what makes Anne my hero, is that she is still so completely HER.  No matter how many times she has been talked down to, no matter how many times she's told she shouldn't.be.herself. - even by well-meaning Marilla- she doesn't really back down.

And to bring it on back...

You know, Anne becomes a writer :D  (Well, sort of....right in the middle there she did......)

And that's pretty much it on connecting that thought-haha!

I still write in my journal, though.  Not  near as much as I was, but I do whenever something really strikes me; when a train of thought just feels too powerful to contain.

I've also come to value the idea of emailing your friends.

In a way, they can be like journal entries, but shared with someone.  And I always come around to wanting to share when I get really excited.

(Life's so much more fun when you share, don't ya think?)

Writing to a friend feels so much healthier than writing to the world via social media, too.  I mean, I still do that sometimes, but it can make you feel overstretched.

I don't think I fully realized it's value until just this week.

As I said earlier, I found myself in a flurry of thought on my way to work a few days ago ( you remember?  the ride where I was totally gonna meditate?)

Since my thoughts seemed so intent on creating a story, I just let them.  (maybe that was the meditation.....)

They swirled from what I was going to write this week (like a full blown conversation, it was**), to thoughts concerning a conundrum over a potential gathering I'd recently put aside (because of the conundrum, of course).

**please go back and read that in swarthy pirate-speak...or maybe some kind of proper English.  the internal voice was something in between there**

But they were so dang excited!  The thoughts.

They needed to burst forth somewhere.

So burst forth they did.  Into an email.  To a friend.

Not that the emailing was never valuable before.  (I'm not just saying that because she's gonna read this ...... )

But as it took form as a conversation in my head, it began to transform.  Had that conversation went to social media instead, it would have been different.  It would have been in a different voice.

Not that it would have been a terrible thing, it would have just been......different.  Because it would have had a different set of parameters and made up expectations put on it.

Which brings me around to yet one more thought for this week.

Expectations.

(Sure, maybe I could wait until another week to write this instead of just tacking it on.  But why wait when it took form just moments before writing?  I mean, we all know I'm long-winded by now, riiiiiiight?)

I'm starting to realize I have a lot of expectations.  They mostly revolve around not being inconvenienced.

Nothing has made me realize this more than having a child.

They just hang out in the background- I mean, I don't even know they're there- and then Flora spills something.

I wanna react.

Why?!

Because I expect not to be inconvenienced to have to clean something up, I suppose.

But those times when I let it all melt away as quick as I let the reaction come.....now that feels right.

In those moments, without even realizing it before, I was letting go of expectation.

I was letting it be what it was.  And I was doing what needed to be done.

Maybe this sounds simple.  It kinda is.  But it isn't always simple to practice.

At least not for me.

So these are the thoughts that crept in during my "meditation." (to which I had to say "alright, alright.  i see you.  now shoo.  i promise to write about it.")

Because meditating was once something I held a certain expectation for.

And ya know what?  I didn't meditate!

In fact, the only reason I took it back up was out of desperation over my own reactivity.

Reactivity to what?  To EX-PEC-TATION!

The funny thing?  I didn't quite see expectation as the key to the reactivity when I made the decision to meditate.

I just knew I had to do something to slow it down.  And I knew the moments when I didn't react always left me feeling WAY better than when I did.

And seeing these thoughts for what they were, I also realized:

a lot of the steps forward- the ones I've taken in the realm of what is invisible ( ya know, within myself?) -have all been made possible when I've released certain expectations.

When I've ceased to put labels like "good" and "bad" on them.

Not saying it isn't a constant practice of its own, but it sure does put things in perspective.

So...anybody out there got any expectations they wanna release?

"Sistering" and Anne Quotes (no really, that's what it's about today)

Ya know, the last two weeks I knew what I wanted to write about.

My thoughts took a straight path forward.

There were even a few days I considered writing more than once a week because I had thoughts that WANTED to entertain these pages.

But this week.....hmm...well there have been a few fluttering concepts.

The first being sisterhood.

That one's pretty easy to see because I was still riding the high I got from Sunday's first sister circle meeting.

I met two of my closest* lady friends at Panera Bread for coffee (and lemon water in some cases) and deep discussion.  (*how many of you want to read this as "closet" right now?)

Let.me.tell.you.

I hang out with these two gals more regularly than I do most people, so you know I get a lot of enjoyment from each's company already; but there is just something about gathering all together.

I actually think it could be possible that this meeting is responsible for my lack of drag from daylight savings time (yeah.. you know what I mean, don't you?)

Or maybe it was from those last few weeks of grueling emotional agony that lead up to it?  Maybe I just got it over with early?

Either way, I was actually nervous that I had made it for that day, figuring I WOULD be dragging.

But shiz was set and I didn't wanna change it! (whoo adrenaline!)

Good thing, too.  Had I not stuck to it, I may not have a reason to use a kickass word like au-spicious.

That's right!  Because I can actually refer to it as "an auspicious occasion." 

The tiny little Anne of Green Gables living inside of me is doing a happy dance :D

Which leads me to the fact that I am FI-NA-LY reading it!

Leading into the next idea that has occupied my mind this week.

I started reading a copy that we have at our library because I loved the brightly colored pictures that accompanied the story every 20 pages or so.  Then I noticed it had left a word out of one of my favorite Anne quotes, and decided this must be an adapted copy of some kind.

(The disarming miss-quote in the colorful version of this book was "But if you have ideas you have to use big words to express them, haven't you?"  It just doesn't have the same "kapow")

So I decided to read my own copy instead.  Which is all to the good, because now I can highlight all my favorite parts.

And I do.

Mark can't stand to do that.  Writing or highlighting in a book.  But I do.  I actually think it makes it kinda sacred.

I mean, think about it.

Of course it makes it easier to refer back to it, but it also leaves a part of you imprinted onto the pages for the next soul to find.

I mean, Anne ("with an e") would call it downright romantic, don't  ya think?

And back to Anne.  She is definitely a character, I think, who is into sisterhood. (you see!  I did get that brain of mine((or it got me???)) to come 'round full circle after all!)

So, sistering is a term I once heard a girl use when relating the idea of what it means between females.

She said how in carpentry, sistering is when you use two outer planks of wood

to make a central plank

sturdier.

I thought that was pretty neat. ( Possibly because I had never heard of sistering as a method used in carpentry.)

I mean I don't even know if you can refer to something like that as a metaphor because it is actually pretty darn literal.

I mean, who are we to think we are such unique beings, huh?  Here we are easily related to planks of wood!  Ha!

But really, support is pretty much always a good thing to have. (unless you're diabolical.  there are always exceptions...)

So, as someone who likes talking to just about everyone, I have come to realize-maybe only in the past year even-  how important it is to have a support group- like more than one- that also connects with you on a deeper level.

And then back to whereish  this whole thing started.

Having a circle of other females around you just changes the game.  It really does.

There is something to multiples.  There really is.

So whatcha think?  Do you ever feel more empowered or charged or excited (or whatever word makes you totally amped up) when you hang out with a good group of gals/friends?

"Phoenix Moments"

Hello.  Here I am again.

Phoenix moments......yeah.  So about that.....

This is a phrase that popped into my mind this week.  Probably because having one seems imminent right now.

First, let's explore the concept.  

You know Phoenixes, right?  

Those mythological fire birds that eventually burn up in flames only to rise from their own ashes again?

Yeah...... that's what I'm referring to.  So for me, a "phoenix moment" is where I pull one of those.

I first recognized the pattern when I revisited collaging about two years ago.  I would put a piece together and it would feel so.damn.good.  

The first collage I created  when said "Phoenix Pattern" was recognized.  Two years later, and I just had my very first art show at the local museum!

Over the next few weeks I would still be grasping at that feeling, in a slow decent of turmoil over the fact that I couldn't quite catch it.

I would eventually hit an emotional rock bottom, and, Voilà!, inspiration would come into a new piece.

I was, in an emotionally literal way, the Phoenix burning up in flames, then rising from those ashes.

Once I saw it for what it was, I understood it and was able to move past the suffering it caused me.  

At least, in regards to creating art.

The pattern is still there.  

Sure, I've overcome it in different aspects of my life, but the underlying code is still programmed in.

I know, because I still see the cycle manifest itself in different ways.

It is manifesting right now.

Energy shifts.  It always does.  It's natural.  But this Phoenix don't. wanna. hear it!

This Phoenix says "Yeah, but that last shift, that last routine, it was really working for me.  Just let me hold onto it.  Pleeeeeeease."  

Then, in a petulant child's voice, it whines,  "But I don't waaaaant it to chaaaaange!"

And I fight the shift.  I retreat to my head.  I suppose it's my sanctuary, even in times where it's filled with turmoil.

Right now that space is filled with thoughts like "Just let it happen.  Go with the flow.  It's natural.  It's not a problem.  Stop fighting.  Let it be what it is."  But then there are other thoughts battling to be seen.  The ones with the petulant child's voice.  

Oh yeah.  It's a real soap opera up there right now.

I guess the cool thing, though, is that I recognize it, right?   Up until now I've only battled it in this area of my life.  But now I seeeeeee it.

That's right Phoenix Pattern.  I see you!

I had a moment in the car just yesterday where I not only saw this cycle, but I saw it for what it really was/is.

(Are you ready for it?)

It is an outdated mode of protection.

Yep!

Something in my subconscious thinks that this is something I HAVE to go through in order to evolve past this moment.  

There is something in my ego that is attached to a forced break down in order to rise again with new insight.

In this case, I don't want to let go of the shift I attained this past September.  

In that shift, I got really clear and really motivated to gain more control of my life. 

I started getting up at 6 AM (no snooze button, mind you) and exercising every.damn.day.  I stopped brain-numbing (read as: staring at the phone and/or TV an inordinate amount of time).  

Admittedly, this shift was its own Phoenix Moment.  

But regardless of the fact, I was MO-TI-VAT-ED.

But not now.  With spring moving in, you'd think the energy level would rise.

Nope!

It is a slow, crashing decent at the moment.  

So what to do about this?

I think I've come up with a two part solution:

1)Let it be.  

Seriously.  It is what it is.  It does what it does.  

Ignoring it only feeds it.  Fighting it only feeds the suffering it causes me.  

I just need to let go of the idea that is SHOULDN'T be happening.  

Yeah, that September routine really kicked me into gear for the winter season, but it really is ok to let it go.  To let it shift.  To trust.

and

2)Get out of my head and back into my body!  

Who cares if I'm motivated to do it?!  I need to just do it!

To get started, I'm about to go clean the hell out of my bathroom!  

One step at a time, baby.  One step at a time.

So, got any Phoenix Moments you wanna share?