So there's something that I finally realized in these last few years since ye old blogging days:
Just because I admire something about somebody,
it does't mean I have to embody it within myself.
"Well, duh, Ashley. We knew that."
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
But even when I thought I did, I didn't. Not reeeally.
Not in my whole being. The only reason I even know that now
is because
it's different when you do.
**Confession: I totally started writing this mere minutes after the last blog. I was reading a newsletter and it just came over me to get started. Now, shall we continue?**
Anyway,
I can't tell you how many "phases" I've went through, completely committing to- usually for some short time- an idea of myself that I think I'm meant to embody.
Oh man. My husband- who has been with me going on, mmm, 15 years- has seen them all. And, yet, he's made it out alive somehow-haha!
But I've finally realized that I do.not.have to become the things I value in order to value myself.
In fact, in letting that whole thing go, it's been kinda like letting go of some sort of resistance. Weird, huh?
I mean, when you think about it, it didn't feel anything like resistance, but more like a clinging onto.
Still, letting that expectation go has actually allowed me to expand, or kinda like, lean more into, the things that I like.
Plants, for instance.
When I first learned about all of the amazing things plants do, especially the ones we never think much about- the "weeds"- it felt like some magical, secretive world had come into existence!
I thought it such a noble thing to be an herbalist. So special, and connected, and pure.
The idea that there is free food and medicine right beneath our feet just waiting to be noticed!.....
I mean it sounds just like where a fairy tale would begin, doesn't it!? Something like:
(*with dramatic inflection*)
"....and then there she was, transported to another world; one where anything was possible and magic was real; one where the plants were alive and had being and spoke in different voices and languages..."
....Well....you get it. Flowery.
So I suppose it really isn't strange that I'd be so captivated by it that I'd want to embody it.
Then the newness wore off. It always does.
But my interest would still peak from time to time, and instead of enjoying it, I'd spend most of that time chastising myself for all the other time I'd spent NOT "prioritizing" it.
It's hard to enjoy something while you're being gotten onto.
Even if you're the one doing it.
But when I let that go, when I accept the cycle of my interests, then there's more of a flow. And I get more out of it.
Not to say I've mastered this.
Just this past fall I was really drawn into the magic of a particular membership group.
Oh man did I give myself a hard time about that. In the end, I made the decision that was best for me, but not before the voices battled it out:
"Do you need to spend your money on this right now?"
"If you don't, are you being reasonable, or are you just not letting yourself have what you want?"
"Do you ever just let yourself have what you want? You really should just let yourself indulge sometimes."
It was like I was in the depths of self-analysis hell. And why?
Well, I think this is what happens when I wanna do the dive, but the dive ain't right, ya know?
It's just my way. Which, by the way, is something else I've accepted.
I'm an all in learner, baby! And it's a-ok.
It just doesn't mean I have to spend $200 to join a group.
It also doesn't mean I have to purchase all the necessary (and sometimes unnecessary) tools to achieve a certain craft.
It just means I like to immerse. I get right to the center and pull out what I need.
And I don't NEED it ALL.
And still I get lulled in sometimes. But I always come around. And, once I (again) release the "I-should-bes" I can then observe it as a lesson learned.
I can accept that it peaked my interest very strongly, and allow it to reveal me to myself.
I can comfortably tuck that knowledge away, and eventually build on it.
Not saying I don't move slow, though.
I mean, let's see, I've realized my place in the garden may not have to be what it was when I set out for abooooout, I don't know, maybe a year? now.
Yeah, see, that's one that still likes to creep in and talk guilty to me.
It likes to tell me I've abandoned our dream for this place.
I haven't completely got over that one (break ups are hard ya'll; even if they are only with the voices in your head).
I did, at least, realize at some point that the guilt wasn't doing us any good. I've just still struggled to find my place in it all.
And yet.....
Today.....
So. I managed to get up before Flora and take a stroll outside.
I managed to slow down, listen to the songs the birds were singing, and really look around me.
I mean, have you looked at the ground these last few weeks?
That shiz is LUSH!
And I got a little excited.
I noticed a patch of Bull Thistle that seemed to be marching down the back slope of one of our swales.
Then I noticed a patch of Lyre Leaf Sage a little further along.
I started seeing a shape and a pattern that was already there; and I started thinking how if Bull Thistle could grow there maybe Milk Thistle could, too!
Then I started wondering what other kinds of Sages might like to grow with Lyre Leaf, and how maybe where the pockets of thick White Clover grow I could also grow some Sweet Clover and some Red Clover!
The point is, my mind became all a-flurry with thoughts: Thoughts to do some research; to order some seeds; to experiment with the shape that already exists and introduce something similar, yet new.
And I'm pretty sure the real, true, underlying excitement here is this: "Maybe this is it! Maybe this is my place!" (in regards to the garden, that is)
I'm not sure that I could have arrived to that, not just thought, but feeling, if I was still trying to wallow in that guilt. I think I'd be too focused on the guilt to see what was already there.
So, whether it is or not, I'm gonna let it be what it is while it is.
And I'm not going to hold myself up to expecting this to be something that's on priority lane 24/7.
I'll try it out and see where it takes me.
I'll get back with you and letcha know.
Just because I admire something about somebody,
it does't mean I have to embody it within myself.
"Well, duh, Ashley. We knew that."
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
But even when I thought I did, I didn't. Not reeeally.
Not in my whole being. The only reason I even know that now
is because
it's different when you do.
**Confession: I totally started writing this mere minutes after the last blog. I was reading a newsletter and it just came over me to get started. Now, shall we continue?**
Anyway,
I can't tell you how many "phases" I've went through, completely committing to- usually for some short time- an idea of myself that I think I'm meant to embody.
Oh man. My husband- who has been with me going on, mmm, 15 years- has seen them all. And, yet, he's made it out alive somehow-haha!
But I've finally realized that I do.not.have to become the things I value in order to value myself.
In fact, in letting that whole thing go, it's been kinda like letting go of some sort of resistance. Weird, huh?
I mean, when you think about it, it didn't feel anything like resistance, but more like a clinging onto.
Still, letting that expectation go has actually allowed me to expand, or kinda like, lean more into, the things that I like.
Plants, for instance.
When I first learned about all of the amazing things plants do, especially the ones we never think much about- the "weeds"- it felt like some magical, secretive world had come into existence!
I thought it such a noble thing to be an herbalist. So special, and connected, and pure.
The idea that there is free food and medicine right beneath our feet just waiting to be noticed!.....
I mean it sounds just like where a fairy tale would begin, doesn't it!? Something like:
(*with dramatic inflection*)
"....and then there she was, transported to another world; one where anything was possible and magic was real; one where the plants were alive and had being and spoke in different voices and languages..."
....Well....you get it. Flowery.
So I suppose it really isn't strange that I'd be so captivated by it that I'd want to embody it.
Then the newness wore off. It always does.
But my interest would still peak from time to time, and instead of enjoying it, I'd spend most of that time chastising myself for all the other time I'd spent NOT "prioritizing" it.
It's hard to enjoy something while you're being gotten onto.
Even if you're the one doing it.
But when I let that go, when I accept the cycle of my interests, then there's more of a flow. And I get more out of it.
Not to say I've mastered this.
Just this past fall I was really drawn into the magic of a particular membership group.
Oh man did I give myself a hard time about that. In the end, I made the decision that was best for me, but not before the voices battled it out:
"Do you need to spend your money on this right now?"
"If you don't, are you being reasonable, or are you just not letting yourself have what you want?"
"Do you ever just let yourself have what you want? You really should just let yourself indulge sometimes."
It was like I was in the depths of self-analysis hell. And why?
Well, I think this is what happens when I wanna do the dive, but the dive ain't right, ya know?
It's just my way. Which, by the way, is something else I've accepted.
I'm an all in learner, baby! And it's a-ok.
It just doesn't mean I have to spend $200 to join a group.
It also doesn't mean I have to purchase all the necessary (and sometimes unnecessary) tools to achieve a certain craft.
It just means I like to immerse. I get right to the center and pull out what I need.
And I don't NEED it ALL.
And still I get lulled in sometimes. But I always come around. And, once I (again) release the "I-should-bes" I can then observe it as a lesson learned.
I can accept that it peaked my interest very strongly, and allow it to reveal me to myself.
I can comfortably tuck that knowledge away, and eventually build on it.
Not saying I don't move slow, though.
I mean, let's see, I've realized my place in the garden may not have to be what it was when I set out for abooooout, I don't know, maybe a year? now.
Yeah, see, that's one that still likes to creep in and talk guilty to me.
It likes to tell me I've abandoned our dream for this place.
I haven't completely got over that one (break ups are hard ya'll; even if they are only with the voices in your head).
I did, at least, realize at some point that the guilt wasn't doing us any good. I've just still struggled to find my place in it all.
And yet.....
Today.....
So. I managed to get up before Flora and take a stroll outside.
I managed to slow down, listen to the songs the birds were singing, and really look around me.
I mean, have you looked at the ground these last few weeks?
That shiz is LUSH!
And I got a little excited.
Ok, ok. So I grabbed my camera just this once.
But, really, isn't she just about the most perfect thing
you ever did see?
I noticed a patch of Bull Thistle that seemed to be marching down the back slope of one of our swales.
Then I noticed a patch of Lyre Leaf Sage a little further along.
I started seeing a shape and a pattern that was already there; and I started thinking how if Bull Thistle could grow there maybe Milk Thistle could, too!
Then I started wondering what other kinds of Sages might like to grow with Lyre Leaf, and how maybe where the pockets of thick White Clover grow I could also grow some Sweet Clover and some Red Clover!
The point is, my mind became all a-flurry with thoughts: Thoughts to do some research; to order some seeds; to experiment with the shape that already exists and introduce something similar, yet new.
And I'm pretty sure the real, true, underlying excitement here is this: "Maybe this is it! Maybe this is my place!" (in regards to the garden, that is)
I'm not sure that I could have arrived to that, not just thought, but feeling, if I was still trying to wallow in that guilt. I think I'd be too focused on the guilt to see what was already there.
So, whether it is or not, I'm gonna let it be what it is while it is.
And I'm not going to hold myself up to expecting this to be something that's on priority lane 24/7.
I'll try it out and see where it takes me.
I'll get back with you and letcha know.
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