Practice Makes Perfect(ish)

So the topic of the week for me is shame.

Ask, and ye shall receive.

I've been obsessed with the work of Brené Brown for about two weeks now.

A lot of her research deals in shame.

It is no surprise that, as I've used a lot of my spare time delving into finding every interview/talk of hers that I can find, my own shame has been shown to be over and over again in the last few weeks.

When it first became apparent to me, it started as just about any shame does: anger at the one who "made me" feel it.

I processed through that for a few good days.  Remember? I wrote about it.

I finally came to the conclusion that it was, indeed, my own shame being shown to me.

I decided that I would look at it as practice.

I mean, in a sense, a lot of life is- right?

So I say to myself, "Don't take it so hard, champ.  You'll never be able to change your approach without practice.  Practice is a good thing."

And boy have I had a lot of practice these last few weeks.

It certainly hasn't made perfect, but then again, I haven't been practicing very long.

I doubt it will ever really be "perfect," and I think the real goal is just being ok with that.

It's hard to train yourself not to have a knee jerk reaction to shame.  You can prepare all you want, but it's called a knee jerk reaction for a reason, right?

So, for now, I know the best thing I can do is to just keep loving myself; to just keep reminding myself that we are all perfectly imperfect; and more than anything, to be patient with myself.

Just because I know a thing, does not mean I instantly have it mastered.

I think it'll do me some good to just keep reminding myself of that.

I'm so thankful to have friends with whom I can discuss these things with.  Friends, who, when I show them all the shame I have, they give no judgement back.

Friends, who, with their very presence, remind me that I can give myself the same allowances I give others.  That I don't have to always expect so much of myself (which just creates more shame in the first place).

So a shout out to my merry mermaid making buddies (for mermaidy things we did create today!)- you know who you are ♥

Now, in leaving off where I began, please enjoy this talk by the one and only Brené Brown on Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count.

Craving Rain

Whelp, it's not even the Summer Solstice yet, but it's already happened:

The Fall Longing.

It's only happened once, but it's happened!

I've also been really craving rainy/thunderstorm days.

I didn't realize just how much until the other day.

It had started storming while I was cleaning the house.  I quickly became inspired to make a rainy day playlist*.

*Except in my world that sounds too boring, so of course I named it something pretentious like "Sink into Precipitation"......

It wasn't until it stopped and the sun started to come back out, and I realized I was kinda bummed about it-haha!

I feel like a good thunder storm just makes you feel like the whole world is offering you a good excuse to just
                                                               sit,
                                                                   sink,
                                                                       and slow down.

Then there's the comforting rumble of the thunder (as a good friend pointed out to me). 

And, for some reason not entirely known to me, it always feels like there is some kind of adventure waiting to begin.

Give me my hoody, a blanket, and a good movie that kinda mimics the mood, and I. Am. Set!

(For Flora and me, yesterday's thunderstorm was accompanied by Jumanji.)

Ya know, I used to wonder over which was my favorite season- Spring or Fall?

As of right now, I'm pretty dang sure it's Fall.

Spring's new awakening plants, and that smell of petrichore, surely have their merits;

but there is something about Fall's invitation to slow down, to notice, to see a different kind of change, that is just so dang comforting.

I definitely found a deeper appreciation for Winter this last year, as well.

Again, I didn't even realize how deep I'd sunk into it's comforts until I found myself wishing that Spring would hold just off

just a little longer.

I just didn't feel ready to give up the solace of solitude I found in the muted landscape on my ride to work in the mornings.

And as it has gotten deeper into these warmer/hotter months, I feel myself slowing down in a way that isn't quite as invigorating as it was in the colder months.

And, oddly, I'm ok with it.  I think because I realize it as just being part of my own yearly cycle.

It's like, in seeing my response to the changing seasons, I'm seeing some map of myself being laid out for me.

And if anything gives me a natural high, it's seeing and analyzing "new" parts of myself- haha!

So I'll end with a curiosity question:

How about you?  What is your favorite sesason?  Why?

Moment of Clarity

/Stillness/

Sometimes it hits me just how hard being human is.

And some days

- they're really rare-

but some days, I can actually see the beauty in the struggle.

And even though it doesn't happen often- or maybe just not as often as I'd like-

the acknowledgement of it makes me feel so.....

I'm not sure of the word to use....

complete   and    full    and     whole

that it makes me want to come back again.

And the Beat Goes.....

I find it super hilarious that just last week I was excitedly typing about how I'd integrated the whole bearing witness thing, and it felt so liberating, and whoo yeah go me!......

Only to have it seriously challenged this weekend-ha!

That's how it goes, though, right?!

Like, the lesson is never really over!

The patterns are still there!

Lemme just say, that when I say that I was challenged, what I mean is that I have had several days worth of processing to do.

Several.

Without too much detail, I fell into the pattern where I go into what I'm going to call "avoidance/survival mode."

It's when I, almost unaware, just kinda bend over backwards to accommodate whatever difficult personality is in the room.

I always feel super shitty afterwards, and I usually get really pissed at whoever triggered it.

I find myself with a litany of repeated scenarios in my head of what I could have said here, or what it would have went like if I'd said this over there when this thing happened.

So I find myself with this person and I can't seem to get them out of my head all the rest of the night and into the next day.

Finally, I'm like "Ok, seriously.  What happened here?"

I thought of Dr. Shefali saying, "Life doesn't happen to us, it happens for us."

So I'm like, "Alright, how does that apply here?  What am I really upset about?  And what does that tell me?"

Well, it turns out I was upset that this is still my go to pattern when in a difficult situation.

Yeah, yeah-- I can also pin point all the stinging remarks made;

and I can still feel myself really wanting to, like, neck swivel and say how annoying that person was;

and I can totally  remember and recount word for word for you all the annoying-ass things they said.

But it really comes down to the fact that I feel like I failed myself. 

I let myself walk into that position of being belittled- of being less than worthy to speak my mind.

I let, and even accommodated that person in having total control of the whole evening.

And it was all out of avoidance.

I'm still an avoider!

Dammit!

Oh, well.  I see it now.  I suppose it takes a lot of prep and practice not to be that way for me.

So instead of being so damn mad that I then give this person further control (over my thoughts and general emotional space), I'm going to say,


"Good to know."


And so here I am.  I reeeeeally didn't feel like writing today.  Again.

Then I remembered that this whole thing is a practice.  That was the whole point of it. 

Not to make some supremely value-loaded blog.

Not to ensure that I give my "wisdom" to those reading.

So I find myself thinking, "Why all the pressure?"  I guess it's easy to get caught up in that space.

It's funny how comparing yourself sneaks up on you like that. 

Because that's what it was.

I was comparing myself to the blogs that I enjoy reading.  Which totally are suprememly value-loaded ( in my humble opinion.)  

And thinking that's what I needed to provide should I choose to sit down in front of the screen.

And it definitely does make a difference knowing people are reading.

But no.  This is for me. 

Of course I love the idea of this being a connecting point. 

Of course I love the idea that I might actually have some wisdom to share.

But if I don't, who cares?!  Really?!  I'm still gonna sit my ass down and write!  Every damn week!

Aha!  Another lesson!

Also, what really hit me

-and let me just say that writing this blog was not the only thing on my 'to-do' list today-

was when I realized that there is a difference between when I really do need to step back and let myself stand still;

and when I am literally trying to force everything to stand still for me.

Usually it's just because I don't feel like moving forward.

Today would have been one where I was forcing it.  I could tell. 

I could tell that if I just sat around and tried to do nothing that it would not be healthy for me.

I can't tell you how many days I haven't listened to the part of me that knows that difference.

So I dare say, that despite the extreme mental and emotional discomfort that one afternoon brought,

it wasn't for nothing.

Thank goodness!

So how about you?  .

Do you ever wish the world would just stand still for you?

What patterns/weaknesses do you hate to face?

What do you do when you're faced with them?