And the Beat Goes.....

I find it super hilarious that just last week I was excitedly typing about how I'd integrated the whole bearing witness thing, and it felt so liberating, and whoo yeah go me!......

Only to have it seriously challenged this weekend-ha!

That's how it goes, though, right?!

Like, the lesson is never really over!

The patterns are still there!

Lemme just say, that when I say that I was challenged, what I mean is that I have had several days worth of processing to do.

Several.

Without too much detail, I fell into the pattern where I go into what I'm going to call "avoidance/survival mode."

It's when I, almost unaware, just kinda bend over backwards to accommodate whatever difficult personality is in the room.

I always feel super shitty afterwards, and I usually get really pissed at whoever triggered it.

I find myself with a litany of repeated scenarios in my head of what I could have said here, or what it would have went like if I'd said this over there when this thing happened.

So I find myself with this person and I can't seem to get them out of my head all the rest of the night and into the next day.

Finally, I'm like "Ok, seriously.  What happened here?"

I thought of Dr. Shefali saying, "Life doesn't happen to us, it happens for us."

So I'm like, "Alright, how does that apply here?  What am I really upset about?  And what does that tell me?"

Well, it turns out I was upset that this is still my go to pattern when in a difficult situation.

Yeah, yeah-- I can also pin point all the stinging remarks made;

and I can still feel myself really wanting to, like, neck swivel and say how annoying that person was;

and I can totally  remember and recount word for word for you all the annoying-ass things they said.

But it really comes down to the fact that I feel like I failed myself. 

I let myself walk into that position of being belittled- of being less than worthy to speak my mind.

I let, and even accommodated that person in having total control of the whole evening.

And it was all out of avoidance.

I'm still an avoider!

Dammit!

Oh, well.  I see it now.  I suppose it takes a lot of prep and practice not to be that way for me.

So instead of being so damn mad that I then give this person further control (over my thoughts and general emotional space), I'm going to say,


"Good to know."


And so here I am.  I reeeeeally didn't feel like writing today.  Again.

Then I remembered that this whole thing is a practice.  That was the whole point of it. 

Not to make some supremely value-loaded blog.

Not to ensure that I give my "wisdom" to those reading.

So I find myself thinking, "Why all the pressure?"  I guess it's easy to get caught up in that space.

It's funny how comparing yourself sneaks up on you like that. 

Because that's what it was.

I was comparing myself to the blogs that I enjoy reading.  Which totally are suprememly value-loaded ( in my humble opinion.)  

And thinking that's what I needed to provide should I choose to sit down in front of the screen.

And it definitely does make a difference knowing people are reading.

But no.  This is for me. 

Of course I love the idea of this being a connecting point. 

Of course I love the idea that I might actually have some wisdom to share.

But if I don't, who cares?!  Really?!  I'm still gonna sit my ass down and write!  Every damn week!

Aha!  Another lesson!

Also, what really hit me

-and let me just say that writing this blog was not the only thing on my 'to-do' list today-

was when I realized that there is a difference between when I really do need to step back and let myself stand still;

and when I am literally trying to force everything to stand still for me.

Usually it's just because I don't feel like moving forward.

Today would have been one where I was forcing it.  I could tell. 

I could tell that if I just sat around and tried to do nothing that it would not be healthy for me.

I can't tell you how many days I haven't listened to the part of me that knows that difference.

So I dare say, that despite the extreme mental and emotional discomfort that one afternoon brought,

it wasn't for nothing.

Thank goodness!

So how about you?  .

Do you ever wish the world would just stand still for you?

What patterns/weaknesses do you hate to face?

What do you do when you're faced with them?