Lessons Learned

I became aware of something this last week.

Like, really aware.

I can bear witness without having to accommodate or fix things!

In case that sounds confusing, let me explain.

First of all, bearing witness is something I only recently grasped the concept of.

Bearing witness means exactly what it sounds like- it means we are there, alongside someone or some experience, witnessing and acknowledging what is happening.

But really, it's more than that.  It's being there, and not trying to "fix" things; and not feeding into things.

Often, when we try to fix things for other people, they aren't even asking us to. 

And often, it can actually make them feel less validated, and can put unwanted pressure on the situation.

Up until now (and sometimes even now) I have wanted to fix- or at least accommodate- others in their problems.

My mind will automatically fish out some experience I think is relateable, or will grasp for some piece of advice that I think could help.

I now realize that this is often fear based:

fear of the other person feeling that they aren't seen;

fear that, if the other person's issue isn't fixed, it could leak out and affect me (in my more personal relationships);

fear of absorbing another's suffering;

fear that they will think I'm not listening or don't really care.

And I'm starting to realize that when we approach anything with fear, we often actually get what it is we are trying to avoid.

Like, a personal case of mine: say you don't want your child to internalized a negative dialogue, and then you hear her saying things like "I'm the worst" or "I wish I'd never been born."

That can really freak you out!

The instant reaction (or mine anyway) is to say something like "Don't say that about yourself!  You aren't the worst."  Or maybe "Why would you say that?  Where did you hear that?"

I now realize that what I'm actually trying to do in that situation is control it. 

And in trying to control it, guess what I'm doing? 

Invalidating my child's own feelings.  

Which, in fact, will lead to a negative inner dialogue.

Which, in fact, I don't want.

Kinda funny, huh?  But it's true!  Or, at least, I think it is.

So, now, with this information, I'm trying to do things differently in my household.  I'm trying to allow my child those feelings; and instead of trying to snuff them out, I'm trying to give them space to just be. 

To let her just be.

I may still engage her over these feelings, but it isn't in such a controlling way.

I'll ask "Oh yeah?  What's gotcha feeling like that?" Or I'll say something like, "Yeah, I know that's a bummer.  I've felt that way before, too."

It isn't a perfect dynamic, but I'm trying.

Also, on the other side of this issue, trying to accommodate someone in their negativity/problems by relating to them can be really draining.

This is one that happens a lot to me at work.  And this is where this mantra has been the most liberating for me.

When you work with other people- or, ya know, interact with humans ever- you stand to have some of these interactions be....mmm.... less than ideal.

Not every person is going to think the same as you.

Not every person is going to view the world the same as you.

And, certainly, not every person is even going to be conscious of the fact.

I've begun to realize I'm an accommodater, and that it doesn't serve me well.

To avoid conflict, I'm often "nice" when I really don't need to be.   It tends to lead to situations that could get me into trouble (at my job), or that at least make me feel uncomfortable.

One way that I accommodate is when someone is complaining, and I jump on the complain train.

It's.so.damn.easy.to.do.

I mean, who doesn't have crap they can complain about?

And in certain situations, this makes me feel super* drained.  Then I get anxious about being in those situations because I know how they can make me feel.


*Side note: this is one of those moments where a word suddenly looks really alien to me.  Super.  Super.  Super? Do you see it, too?  Anyway....


But I realized that the only reason it does that to me is because I'm trying to accommodate it.

So now, when I find myself (often naturally and automatically) merging mind streams with someone who is in that place, I will repeat this mantra to myself: "It's ok to just bear witness.  No need to accommodate or fix this."

And it has really helped! 

It hasn't just helped me with my anxiety and stress level, though.  It's also allowed me to see people for who it is they really are.

And in situations where I would normally be internally cowering, I can now almost find humor in these moments.

And I really think it's because I'm able to take off the lens of anxiety and just see it for what it is:

that person is afraid

or

that person is trying to control things

or

that person is having a bad day.....etc....

And I don't even try to make myself a part of it. 

Because I'm not!  And I don't have to be!

And it is just wonderfully liberating!  Haha!

So how about you?  Any lessons you've internalized to your own benefit lately?


P.S.  I just want to give credit where credit is due and post this link to one of the many Dr. Shefali videos I've been watching.

Seriously, I'm a little obsessed right now.  I'm searching out and watching/listening to everything I can find from her.

She has so much wisdom to share about not only our relationships with our children, but also in addressing our own inner child.

So, if you give it a watch, I'd love to know whatcha think about what she has to say.

See ya!