Vain and Vulnerable

Last week I changed my "About Me" photo to this one:

I'm literally laughing at myself because I feel so ridiculous.

I also posted it on my Instagram handle- @clovercatmossycape - with this caption:

There was a time when I took photos of myself ALL the time. I was kinda obsessed with it. Then a switch flipped and it all seemed so silly-posing and making "cute" ducky faces.

So what, then, does a girl do when she finds herself wanting a current and nice photo taken of herself? 

Do it and call herself vain to keep the ego in check-haha! Or maybe as a buffer to the criticism of those who might think I take myself too seriously? 

Yeah, that's probably more accurate.

It really makes me appreciate all of those liberating "I don't have to explain my selfie to you" posts. 

Still, though, I explain. I suppose because I'd rather you think I'm insecure than vain. Because undermining myself is the surest way to get your approval (so say my egoic thought patterns). Just a day in the life of my mind stream. Welcome!

So....How many of you feel totally silly posting a nice picture of yourself sometimes?

So, here's how it happened:

One of my girlfriends was coming over with one of her girlfriends I'd never met before. 

I decided to scrub the house clean, and thus felt pretty grungy. 

What's the quickest way to fix feeling grungy without time to shower?!

MAKE UP!!

And then, I'm all like "Ooh, girl, look at you!  Someone needs to take yo pictcha!" 

With underlying thoughts of how I hardly ever take nice photos- or have them taken- of myself these days; and how it would kinda be nice to have one.

But when I told Melody that I'd like to have my picture taken since I felt like I looked nice.....

Whoa.

It triggered some serious vulnerability in me.

I know this because I continued to say how vain I was; thanking her for appeasing my vanity; saying things like "My vanity* would really like a picture of me with make up on."

*I wouldn't even own it.

It even carried over into the post I made. 

I wanted anything but to have anyone think I thought I looked nice.

Or worse.

That I cared.  I mean it's almost embarrassing to think how hard I coward cowered under this umbrella of self-proclaimed vanity.

It's just different when you ask for it, ya know?

I don't feel this way when someone takes a nice photo of me without my knowing or asking; or when it's a group thing; or when I do it and send it to, like, one good friend.

But I asked for it! (le gasp!)  And I posted it!  ((double gasp!))

I was trying so hard to hide in self-deprecation that it didn't even matter to me how much I was belittling myself. 

I was just so uncomfortable having anyone think that I might care about how I look.

I'm not sure if it was so hard because I was in the presence of someone new, or if it would have been the same had she not been there.

I do know that I apparently have an incongruous bent in how I view what this means to me.

So today,

before I sat down to write,

the thought of it came to me again. 

And I wondered what all the dictionary actually had to say about the word "vain".

Now, just like you, I know what this word means.  I know how to use it. 

But I still think sometimes it is really refreshing to go check the full definition of a word. 

So often we've grown up using language based around the context clues we've picked up on in the word's use, without ever really having to clearly define it.

So I looked it up for clarity, and, as with most words, there were several definitions:

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vain [veyn]

adjective

1. excessively proud of or concerned about one's own appearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited:

2. proceeding from or showing pride in or concern about one's appearance, qualities, etc.; resulting from or displaying vanity :

3. ineffectual or unsuccessful; futile:

4. without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless:

5. Archaic. senseless or foolish.

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So number 4 really stopped me in my tracks:

 "without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless"

It resonated.  This was the fear.  This was the vulnerability.  This was the lack.

This was once how I felt about showing people my art.  The vulnerability lied in the idea that I may not be taken seriously.  So it'd be best to beat them (anyone) to the chase, right? 

If I put myself down first, then I was at least in control of it.

Until this moment it had never hit me how easy that was to set aside. 

Except, 

truthfully, 

this is still how I operate in regards to anything I might feel insecure about otherwise.

Setting it aside with the art was easier, maybe, because it wasn't as personal.

Now, compared to this, I could really see that!

Or, maybe, these things just come in stages, so that we're not overwhelmed with it all at once.

Either way, it is apparent to me, that, at some point in my life (or a build up over many points?) I have adopted it as truth that I am 

                                               not. 

                                                   worth. 

                                                          being. 

                                                                  seen.

And I know I'm not the only one.  

And as silly as I felt the day that picture was taken, I'm glad it was.  

And I'm glad I posted it.  

Because look at all this damn. glorious. reflection!!

So, in taking a moment to recognize this, I take it as my new challenge to try and never call myself vain again.  

Even if that is how I feel.

Because if what I believe is true, then I am divine and connected to 

All There Is.

And THAT could never be insignificant or worthless.