Gifts and Giving

*Disclaimer: this is just me processing through some new thoughts.  This is in no way saying that giving or receiving gifts is either good or bad.  It's just addressing my complicated relationship with, and emotions around, giving and receiving gifts.

I have what I feel is a complicated relationship with gifts and gift giving.

Or maybe it isn't that it's complicated, but that, again, I'm beginning to see another space in my life that could do with a little more pause-and-think;

 a little more balance.

I love how it feels to receive gifts.  I also love how it feels to give gifts.

But maybe not all gifts and giving are equal?

Gifts can be a way to show you care and think fondly of someone and can bring great joy- I don't want to take away from that fact with what I'm going to say with all of this.

But I've also started to think that gifts can also be a way to connect yourself to someone; a way to enter into their life and stake claim.

This could be nefarious, but it could also be because you just don't know any other way to enter into a person's life.  Maybe you're afraid they won't give you a chance to enter in, so you sort of pave the way with gaining their gratitude by giving a gift?

This doesn't have to be a negative thing, either, but I think it's best to be aware of the giver- especially if this is someone you don't know very well.

And by that, I mean that maybe it is best to think on a gift when given.  Don't just jump to the conclusion that this person is completely selfless, and that you are a selfish little bitch if you aren't just as thoughtful. (I'm talking to you there, voice in my head)

It's about context.  And, yet again, it's about balance and boundaries.

Having these thoughts has made me consider my own relationship with gift giving.  It makes me want to make sure I question my own motives in the future.

I mean, how many times have I given gifts because of a perceived pressure?  Or really, guilt? (don't wanna be that selfish little bitch, do I?)

I have reeeeeeeal big issues with gift guilt.

When I am unexpectedly given a gift, but I've never gifted that person or don't have something to give in return, I feel MEGA guilt.

So I'm finding myself examining that.  Where did I learn that?  Why do I feel that way about it?

I know, that at it's root, it has to do with worry that someone is going to think I don't care about them as much as they care about me.

I don't wanna be no selfish little bitch!

And when I feel guilt, I try to hide it before it can be seen by covering it up with overcompensating.

***I feel the need to interject here by saying that this is not the situation with everything.

There are people in my life to whom it gives me great joy to gift.

But it's funny, isn't it?  How we carry things around with us, and never give them a thought. 

I can now see that this is something I've done for a long time, but I've never really given it language.

I'm starting to be able to tell there is a difference of...... feeling, when both giving and receiving, in certain circumstances.

And maybe it's just because I am starting to actually pay more attention to how I feel.  Maybe it's because I actually am starting to slow down and check in more.

I think about how I've had a dad from far away sending me more gifts than I could ever give back. 

The way I've enjoyed the feeling of getting those gifts without really having that relationship cultivated- without knowing how to cultivate it.

The way, as I've gotten older, I've started to notice the guilt around receiving those gifts.  The guilt of calling to say thanks when I haven't called in a while.  The guilt of not calling instead.

(Working through my dad issues-or even realizing I have them- is new to me and a whole other topic entirely.)

I look back and realize that I have lived a good portion of my earlier years thanking strangers: teachers bringing "anonymous" Christmas gifts, people I've never met giving hand-me-downs, estranged sisters who live far away sending me birthday cards with money in them.

My life- at least the formative years- has been a string of half-formed relationships.

And I think these associations would most likely take on a different form had I had the emotional support and engagement that I needed from my closest family during that time.

Instead, those relationships were the ones I was trying to survive (not realizing it then as I do now).

So these things were maybe impressed upon me at an age when I had no way of really understanding or articulating them.  And certainly the ones impressing them upon me didn't either.

So, I suppose, there's a lot to be uncovered going forward. 

Sometimes the uncovering is a bit uncomfortable and I may have a negative, knee-jerk reaction to it.

But sitting back and writing it all out, reading it back to myself, it helps me really see it.

When I started writing this post, it was with this feeling of distrust in others.  This need to point out that not everyone has pure intentions.

But as I began to write, I began to see that even that was only reflecting me back to myself.

Sometimes we can get angry, or even suspicious, and still it doesn't have to mean anyone is bad.

It could just mean that something inside of us is throwing up that alert to be examined.  And I feel that this is exactly what that was.

This was just another reminder from myself- my true self- that I need to

Wait.  Process. 

To not jump to action based on my perception of what is expected of me.

I'm still learning to check in with silent moments; those silent moments I have purposefully carved out.

Now, perhaps, it is time I bring those silent moments with me.  That I keep them in my back pocket, ready to pull out and use before each and every response.

To stop hiding them away, afraid to expose them.

Yeah.

My silent moments can come along with me as my very own safe guard.  Anyhow, it seems like a pretty good conclusion to me.