The story that we always lose is an easy one to believe.
But believing that we can always still win is so much more fun, isn't' it?!
Losses and wins are always going to play out in our lives.
Neither should be ignored.
But I think we get to decide whether or not we get to come back around to a triumph or not.
All of these thoughts have been sparked by the mere fact that my dad is staying with me.
Having him around has caused me to need to process his effect on me.
He has been the hero who rescued me from a much worse fate, and yet...there is still a discomfort that comes from his presence.
....At first glance....
He has always seemed to have clouds of self doubt and victimization hanging over him, and those clouds seem to have their own gravity.
He seems to view the world through the lens that it's all brutal and unfair, and that's just how it is.
I see it in how he tells stories and in what he's willing to believe- both about himself and the world around him.
I see it in what he pays attention to and which stories he likes.
I see it in the sorrow he feels for so many others.
And all of these thoughts have surfaced because it just hit me today that I'm living in what seems like a space of unhappiness and avoidance when I'm at home right now.
So I ask myself why I might be uncomfortable, and realize it's root lies in my dad being here.
His presence and energy.
And, more so, in the way I'm so sensitive in my response to the energy of others.
He's done nothing wrong or hurtful. He hasn't been difficult to get along with or hard to please. He hasn't been ungrateful- the opposite actually.
But I think his presence causes me to have to face the energy of not belonging.
It makes me realize I grew up surrounded by, and thus embodying, that energy.
And it shows me how sensitive I am to it.
Because I could/can feel it even when people are showing me great acts of kindness and love.
But what of it? Now I'm even more curious.
I mean, I'm never going to feel I belong 100% of the time. Who does?
Is it so important to me- the feeling of belonging- because I missed out on it for so long?
And is it so bad that I'm driven to find it?
I suppose it's like anything else.
It has its own light and its own shadow.
And it has the ability to be buried in delusion.
So awareness is the first step, right?
And that makes me think:
Maybe that's why I'm so addicted to the act of self-awareness.
Because maybe it's my purpose to rid myself of delusion here in this lifetime.
And, if it's so important to me, can I help finding it a matter of serious importance for all of us?
If I had grown up in a family where I felt seen and heard and supported as my truest self- if I'd felt that sense of belonging- what different presets would I then have?
Would this even be important to me?
♥ And then my thoughts start to change ♥
Thank goodness for my sensitivities.
Without them, I'm not sure I'd been able to even begin wading out of the bullshit.
And thank goodness for my curious spirit, or else I would remain stagnant in that swamp of delusion.
And a big ol' "Hallelujah!" (Hell, why not?!) for the quiet and stillness of meditation.
Because if I had never begun to slow down, all the sensitivity and curiosity in the world could never save me from it.
So I suppose I could conclude with a "Thank you."
A thank you to the people in my life, who, without realizing it
-who, while doing the best they could to follow their hearts while still living in the delusion of their own self-sabotaging stories-
brought me through this space of not belonging.
The pain of which, without it, I would probably never have such clarity on its importance.
Sure, maybe I'd have less hang ups.
Maybe I'd even have been more successful by this point if it had been otherwise.
But that was not my intended purpose here on this planet, in this lifetime, in this body.
My sensitivity is a gift. If people can't see it
- if I don't have a sense of belonging with ever person I come in contact with-
that's ok.
You don't have to be "my people" for me to see my worth.
Or yours.
It may create more discomfort than I'd like, and it may require more work than we can do in that single moment,
but it does not take away from either of our roles in this life.
It only begs us to be more curious.
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