Our Own Stories

I find myself awake at 5am, full of thoughts.  At first I think I'll fall back asleep; then I realize that I'm only gaining momentum.

Now I'm sitting here, in the pale light of the morning, listening to bird songs, while the screen of this computer lights up this small space where I like to type.

My thoughts were circling around a conversation I had with  a friend and co-worker yesterday.

I'm hoping I can put words on the screen that will express the deep feelings I have on this topic.

There has been some tension around what I feel are wildly miscommunicated feelings at work here lately.

I've seen two people- people I admire and respect- go head to head on multiple occasions. 

I've heard both sides of the story, and find each of their views have some validation.

I find that I know enough about each to see the conflict lies in the stories they tell themselves about not only who they are, but how they expect to be treated by others.

The part of me that is always trying to "see" people, to understand the deeper why of a person's actions and reactions, has really been put in the hot seat as of late.

Or, maybe, what I mean, is it has been called to the forefront.

I just keep thinking of how we all carry baggage, seen or unseen; and how we, too, all carry divine light within us.

None of us is all darkness.  None of us is all light.

And I'm seeing, truly, the impact of the stories we tell ourselves.

Sometimes I wonder if people realize how much they reveal of themselves

in the stories they tell.

You know, I heard Eric Barker say that therapists basically help people change the stories they tell themselves.

I had an inward laugh as I thought "I guess I'm a therapist at heart," because I often find myself, almost desperately, wanting people to change their stories.

Or, really, to just expand on what it is they see.  To step outside of emotion, of labeling the situation as "good" or "bad" and to just see it as it is.

I always find myself, in the midst of conflict, trying to get someone to see past the hurt they feel from a person, and into what that person is also wrestling with.

Often times, when we hurt others, or are hurt by others, it is my belief that it isn't always personal.

Sometimes people are so entrenched within their own hurting that they don't even realize the impact it is having on the people around them.

Sometimes it is literally just another person's reaction to shame triggering our own reaction to shame.

Often shame begets shame begets shame.

And it is so much easier to numb out, and to see ourselves as victims; and yet, it only spirals out and makes things more difficult.

There is this really great Maya Angelou quote that goes:

"If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitude."

Besides just walking away, I think that these are really ever the only two options we have.

And still I see people beating their heads against a wall, wishing instead, things would just change for them.

(I do not exclude myself from this category.)

And I see how this never fixes anything.

So I find myself, more than ever, wondering how people can be helped to heal.  Because it is the wounds and the baggage we carry around with us that creates these narratives.

How can people find ways to break free from these stories we tell ourselves?  These stories that keep us stuck in the bog of, truly, disillusionment?

I find myself, more than ever, wanting to help.

And, ironically, I find I have my own stories that I need to be rewritten. 

Stories that tell me that I'm not good enough at this to be part of the solutions.  Stories that tell me I'm scared to be "seen."

Stories that tell me no one will take me seriously; that no one would ever listen to me.

So I don't pretend to be immune. 

In fact, I think the fact that I am aware of it within myself is why it feels so important to me when I see someone else struggle with it.

And I realize that expanding awareness is so so important to me.

I think it may possibly be my life's goal to become as aware of as many things about the human condition- about my own condition- as possible.

I have heard, on multiple occasions here lately, some very wise people say that shame and insecurities are always with us.  No one is immune.

So the best thing we can do is not to try to get rid of them.  The best thing we can do is to become so aware of them, that when they show up, we say, "Ah, I see you shame.  I know that's you talking again."

Another thing that I've also heard from several of the "wise ones" here lately is that shame only exists in secrecy.  That once you speak it, it loses power.

And I get that.  In a way, I've been trying to speak shame out of existence most of my life without ever realizing it.

Now I know why it is so good to "confess" my insecurities- haha!

Now, with these early morning ramblings winding to a close, I leave you with two videos- shared with me by a dear friend- that have spoken strongly to me on the topics I wrote about today.

Somewhere in the latter portion of this video you'll hear this guy speak on what I said about shame and secrecy.

In this video you'll hear this guy talk about the stories we tell ourselves and how impactful that can be on how we live our lives.

So, what stories do you tell yourself?  What impact do you think they have on how you live?