Life-Long Sorrow

I could come up with a million and one reasons why I haven't sat at this keyboard for almost a month.

But as I contemplate them, one thing comes to mind:

I haven't felt like being seen or heard.

Shortly after my last post, my mom and dad went into ICUs at different hospitals at the same time.

It has sucked out my energy, my creativity, and my engagement quota.

I have wanted to hide and avoid any and everything possible.

I have felt overwhelmed and sinking.

I've still had work and a five-year-old and a household.

I haven't felt relaxed, well-rested, or excited in weeks.

And even though the worst was mostly over after the first week or so, the ripple effect is still jarring me.

Things I had prioritized before this shift still feel undone- weighing and waiting on me.

I'm in mourning, seemingly, for a routine and energy that seem to have slipped through my fingers.

My dad had a stroke in the back of his brain.  He actually has come out of it pretty darn well, considering, but it is going to mean more time and involvement in his life for me.

My mom had irregular heart rhythms, verging on v-tach.  That has been resolved and her heart is better than before, but now her mental health is back to being very unstable.

My mom has had just about every "negative" diagnosis under the sun: schizophrenia, bi-polar, manic depressive, anxiety disorder, depression, and now, in her later years, dementia.

She's had such a long run of being stable this time, though, that it seems to have spoiled me.

Dealing with this is always hard for me.  It's often hard to tell how much of her behavior is her illness and how much is her personality.

And the negativity of it tugs on me and pulls me under with it if I'm not prepared.

See, I have no comforting memories of my mother.

My whole life, the feelings that have surrounded my relationship to her have been things like:

Guilt
Pity
Shame
Anger
Helplessness
Sadness
Crazy

What little bit of stability there has ever been has always been short-lived.  And even in those times, she wasn't living with me or raising me.

Often, when I'm anxious, I will play scenarios that have either gone "wrong" or have potential to go "wrong" over and over in my head.

And it seems to happen automatically.

I'll envision the scenario with me explaining all the things that I might have said to make it go better, or how I'd like to say them should this worst-case confrontation play out.

It's as if some part of me thinks that if I can get it right in my head, all will not be lost.

That I'll have some kind of control over it.

So on my way to work one morning, having one of those anxious conversations in my head,

I stopped and thought:

"I'm doing it again.  Why am I always so anxious about upsetting people, anyway?"

And while it isn't necessarily abnormal to be anxious about upsetting someone, it can sometimes totally change my behavior and disrupt my mental health.

Then a thought came to me that I have never, ever thought before:

"You're afraid that if you upset someone, you'll never be forgiven for it.  You're afraid it's the end."

Ok.  I get that.  But why?

And then I realized, thinking back to my childhood,

to memories of the people in my life- and most specifically, my mom-

that because of her outbursts, and irrational anger, and the way it was projected onto me,

I had been in tons of scenarios where I felt I had upset her.

And not one of those scenarios ever had a resolution.

No talking about it afterwords.  No apology or explanation.

Nothing.

Looking back, I can now see these scenarios had nothing to do with me whatsoever.

But I internalized that I was to be guilty and blamed for many things not even regarding me, and that I was not to be forgiven for them.

I internalized it as emotional trauma.

I've never looked at her and thought "You've never forgiven me."

But when these things popped into my head, it made sense.

It explains that crippling anxiety of upsetting people.

It explains why, when I'm depleted and upset, I go straight to guilt.

It explains why I find reasons in my head for people not to like me, and then worry over the reality of it.

It explains why I have a hard time with self-trust.

🔼
⥈
🔽

But it also explains why I'm so empathetic.

Why I root for the underdog.

Why I crave connection and communication.

Why I want to see the best in people.

Why I believe, when someone is showing their worst self, that underneath all of that is pain and not evil.

It's why I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

It's why I want to deconstruct a person's worst behaviors to see the scenarios that led them to this state instead of condemning them for it.

And it's why I want to be part of the solution by offering understanding and love and permission to others.

🔼
⥈
🔽

So, while these traumas sometimes feel like my life-long sorrows

it isn't lost on me that they can also be my superpower.

⇝◑⇜

Mindful Leadership- aka: My Passionate Love Letter to the World

>>💛<<

After listening to a recent podcast interview with Brené Brown and Marie Forleo, my wheels really got to turning on how important I think it is for there to be more mindful leaders in this world.

I also realized that to be a leader, you don't have to own a business or have employees.

If you're a parent, you're a leader.

If you're a teacher, you're a leader.

If there is anyone who looks up to you, listens to you, counts on you; you're a leader.

And as a leader, I think it is important now more than ever to be mindful.

And to be mindful

-and let's be honest, more efficient-

I believe you have to understand a few important things and how they can affect not only you, but those around you.

The things that I currently think are the most important are:

shame, vulnerability, empathy, curiosity, and judgement.

Or, at least, these are the topics that have drawn my extreme interest most recently.

Speaking to those leaders out there who are self-identified as such, I believe if you want to level up your leadership in this world, these things are so very ideal to know more about.

And if we hold on to curiosity- the willingness to learn- then I think we will be more able to effectively problem solve.

And problem solving is a part of our daily life- whether we see ourselves as leaders or not.

But the only way to effectively problem solve, is to effectively communicate, right?

And to effectively communicate, I believe,  you have to understand shame.

I think shame lies at the base of all the other things I've listed as important.  Once you understand shame, you can build on that knowledge to understand all of the rest.

I think when you understand shame, you can then, also, understand more clearly not only your own motives and actions, but also the motives and actions of those around you.

And with this clarity, I believe we can more easily put aside our triggers, to then effectively communicate our needs, and more clearly hear the needs of others- even if they are still acting out of shame.

I loved the idea of asking the people you trust most to speak to you- to give you language and verbal affirmation- as to what your value is to them.

And I really loved how, in the interview, Brené talks about how important it is to know our core values, as well.

And even more, I loved the exercise she mentions where you get together with others around you

-whether it's people you work with or live with or whoever you might be sharing a lot of your time with-

and list two of your highest core values.

That is so lovely!

Can you >>>imagine<<< how much more effectively we could all communicate with each other if we not only knew what our own core values were, but also the core values of the people around us as well?!

That just feels like such a game changer!

And it almost sounds super easy, but then I consider that I haven't always known what my core values are.

And, honestly, I'm only guessing at them now.

I am pretty sure that if I had to list two things that would be at the top of my list for core values, they would have to be things that I prioritize without even thinking about them because they are so a part of who I am and how I operate.

With that in mind, I feel that the top two are:

(1) Connection

and

(2) Learning

When I consider that shame's definition is basically the fear of being disconnected, it doesn't seem so strange for me to feel its importance.

Because, see, I really truly do believe that connection is one of thee most important things in the world.

When you connect with someone, you aren't just listening to them or talking at them.

You are sharing with them.

You are set within a moment where there is no shame, no fear, no who's-better-than.

It is quite possibly the most equal you will ever really feel- and thus be- with another human being.

And in that moment communication can be its clearest.

And those moments can be found anywhere from your home to waiting in the line at the grocery store.

Connection is most powerful to me because it is expansive.

And I've come to find that I crave expansion and growth.

Because just as the universe itself continues to expand, I think it's possible that it is meant to be a part of who we are as well.

So it also makes sense that my second core value is what I believe to be learning.

Learning is growing.  Growing in awareness.  Growing in efficiency at problem solving.

Why would you want to keep butting your head against a wall, when a small piece of information could lead you to the doorknob and out the door to where you're actually trying to go?

It's just so much more efficient to learn and grow.

Which leads me back to shame.

It is my belief that shame leads to the most ultimate miscommunications.

And we all know miscommunication is not efficient.

So maybe try it.

Maybe think about and write down what you think your two core values are.

Think about them.

If it feels right, share them with someone important to you.

If it feels right, ask them to think about and share theirs with you.

Whatever it is we do, I can't help but think that if we all take little steps toward this kind of connection and clarity of communication, that we will be more capable at efficient problem solving

together.

>>💛<<

Belief in Ghosts

'Tis the Spookyween season, so naturally I've found myself in conversations about ghosts.

Let's play with this idea.  Of ghosts.

Why not believe in ghosts?

Invisible things affect our physical bodies all the time.

Some cultures even believe that a ghost is anything that haunts you.

🦇👻🦇

Like a memory, 

or a mistake, 

or a decision,

or a regret, 

or a habit, 

or a relationship,

or an illness

or an allergy

or a thought 

etc.

🦇👻🦇

Belief in ghosts is this kind of wavy line for me.

I've never had a ghost experience in the traditional sense, myself; but I know some people who have

-or at least believe they have.

And there are other friends who have witnessed some weird-ass unexplainable things.

There have been a few times in my life, however, that this great fear came over me for seemingly no reason. 

This feeling like something was going to suddenly appear and hurt me.

Once was when I had arrived home a few minutes ahead of Mark.

Flora was with me, so we set out while he finished up at his mom's house.

I pulled up; it was dark both inside and outside the house.

I suddenly felt so panicked that I almost pulled out and went back up the road to my mother-in-law's house.

Then I thought that seemed kinda crazy.    (psh)

So I thought about calling him.   That seemed crazy, too.   (psh)

So I did this totally not crazy thing: 

I turned off the car, ran to the other side as fast as I could to unbuckle Flora, ran to the door (which is maybe ten feet away from my car door) as fast as I could, and, all frantic-like, unlocked the door as fast as I could, shut it, and locked it.

That wasn't the end.

Then I had to bravely burst into each room and turn on the lights while frantically searching all hiding spots.

I'm sure I looked like a mad woman (poor Flora).

But it felt like my life was in serious danger!

After all the lights were on inside and outside the house, I calmed down a bit.

The other time- it was also dark- I was walking up the stairs to my father-in-law's empty apartment.

No lights were on inside and I thought I heard a sound like something had plucked the bow hanging on the wall.

My mind went into belief overdrive, I suppose, because, again, I had that feeling like something was going to jump out and git me!

So I grabbed whatever it was I needed and ran back down the stairs barely holding in one of those frightened giggle-shrieks.

I think it is extremely possible-

especially considering that all things are made up of energy/movement/sound-

that what we experience as a "ghost" could be our human brains trying to make sense of something energetic.

I could see that maybe what we experience, we actually shape ourselves with what is already known to us.

Most apparitions are human in origin.  They usually have movement or sound associations as well.

Who's to say that, maybe even, we don't create them ourselves?

I think it is, again, extremely possible, that we may conjure something with our very thoughts/emotions/energy that we don't yet comprehend fully.

I've even considered that maybe those who have seen ghosts in the traditional sense may very well be seeing human entities- but that still they aren't exactly that.

Maybe they are memories attached to a residual energy?

And I don't even mean memories that belong to the person having the experience.

I mean, we now know that memories are stored in our bodies- not just our brain.

So who's to say what is and isn't possible?

Whatever ghosts are, I have found myself thinking that the neat little categorized boxes we put them in may not actually do them justice.

Anyway, if you're reading this and have had your own experiences, I'd enjoy hearing about them. 

:👻*Spooky Disclaimer*👻: 

 I am in no way trying to take away from anyone the experiences they've had.  I am just someone who has not had these experiences myself, playing with expanding the idea of all the things they could be.

Thanks for 🦇 spooking 🦇 by!

Old Words, New Questions

The Morning Glory does not shame the Moonflower 
for blooming in the evening.
                                   ~Me (I think)*

*Today's mood: poetic


I don't think self-love and self-acceptance are quite the destinations we make them out to be.

I think that they are things we come to, lose, and need to be reminded of again and again.

And the messages are carried to us in so many ways: 

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in the lyrics of songs

in sayings

in the scenes of a show

in still moments

in flowers

in the clouds in the sky

in a moment

in a memory of a moment

in a smile

in a sparkle

in a laugh that makes you cry

in a story

in a word alone

...etc...

🔽

This week a word has come to my attention in a whole new light: karma.

In the world I live in, it is usually used like this: "Karma's a bitch."

How often do we hear someone say that in a moment of pain?

Uttered almost as a curse.  As a threat.  A protection, perhaps?

And, yet, if karma is meant to be the act of summoning to ourselves the occurrences, and the people, that teach us our hardest lessons to learn-

the ones we learn through pain and struggle-

the ones we often turn away from again and again-

the ones that offer the most potential for growth-

is it an irony that, as it's being uttered, the karma existing within the actuality of the moment isn't being seen?

And what of dharma?

If it is what allows for celebration- of life, of love, etc- would it be beneficial for it to be constant?

Or could it, like physical celebration, burn us out if not given a rest?

And in this way, do these things not come again and again?  Neither of them being constant?

And in this way, does it not allow for those reminders to be many and needed?

And in this way, does the ebb and flow of pain and joy not seem perfect?

Rinse, Rinse, Repeat

"What time are we upon and where do I belong?"

                                        ~Witch Baby by Francesca Lia Block

↠↠↠𑁌🔼𐩓↞↞↞

As my month off comes to a close I find myself reflecting on the lessons it has brought me; what it has taught me about myself.

Each year, as I'm left to regulate my own routine, I learn something new about myself; about how I operate within the confines of my own scheduling.

I usually flounder a bit before finding my footing, then I lean into the reset.

One thing I notice is that the transitions are always where I find the most resistance.

Letting go of what is established- whether it's the work routine or my own- is always hard.

Last year the floundering lasted most of the month, with me finally adopting a pretty kick-ass-take-my-mornings-back routine right before returning to work.

It took me straight through fall and winter with an ease I have never been able to create without desperation necessity as a driving force.

This year the floundering didn't last more than a week as Flora started preschool shortly after my layoff began.

This left me with this wonderful, freeing, three hour window to start fresh each day.

You give me a whole month to plan and I'll run screaming; but now a three hour window?

That I can work with!

Just as it was with last year's established routine (though they came at different times for different reasons), I seem to go through a mourning of its loss.

Sometimes it can be the loss of something only shortly established.

For instance....

Despite the fact that I'm coming back from a three day beach vacation, I find myself looking at this day after as a recovery.

The shifts seem to disable my footing, and the only thing I can seemingly do to recover it is to rest and reset.  

Which leaves me in the space of reflection.

Reflection is a place where I find comfort in the chaos.  A place where I can take time and make sense of what has passed and where I'm at in all of it.

And I see that I've been finding myself in bits and pieces, here and there.

And that each time I a find a piece of me, I also find "not me," too.

I find my fear in the same place I find my inspiration.  

I find my resistance in the same spaces where I lean in.

I ponder what it says; what it doesn't say; how it feels when the honeymoon phase of discovery is over.

I see what I find myself tossing aside; what I find myself holding onto.

Where there is resistance, I recognize and try to  release.

And there is a sense of comfort in the as-isness of it all.

Even in the resistance. Because it is its own lesson.

Rewind.  Reflect.  Resist.  Reset.  Release.  Recover.

Rinse.  Rinse.  Repeat. 

Fibonacci, Baby!

When I consider what I really enjoy and want out of life, I realize that each thing has a duality.

For instance, I enjoy connecting with people- it really lights me up!  And I also need time alone to recuperate.

Or like with creative endeavors- the feeling of self-discovery that comes with creating is almost addictive at times;

but still, I need some concrete, almost mundane, tasks to ground me as well. 

And any of these- connection, time alone, creating, mundane work, etc.- if binged, can leave me reeling.

And I realize it's perfect that way.

In this moment I realize I love this part of myself.

I love it for keeping me in check regardless of any limiting beliefs I've held in the arena of "all or nothing; 1 or 10."

And I realize that even in belief there is a duality.

I realize we can be where we are without it having to be "right;"  without having to prove that

we.are.right.

Beliefs change and are molded just as we change and are molded.

And again I realize this is perfect.

Because just as the universe is constantly expanding- spiraling outward- I believe that these invisible things- like beliefs- are also meant to expand.

While some things in this physical world benefit from limitation, that which is invisible, I think, benefits from this constant expanding.

The
 
      M I C R O
 
                 following

                                the
                 
                                       M A C R O.

⥀ ⬩Fibonacci, baby⬩ ⥁

Reversion Aversion

So I get a text from my little sister asking if I want to buy cookie dough from my nephew for his fundraiser at school.

Pretty harmless, right?

After responding, I immediately pull up Facebook.

"Why did I come here?" I wonder.  Followed by the question, "Am I really numbing right now?"

Because it wasn't a thought that crossed my mind: "I need to numb now."

In fact, no discernible feeling or thought was connected to me opening Facebook.

I read a text.  I responded.  I was on Facebook.  For no real reason.

Which lead me onto thinking other thoughts.

Like, "How does it feel to talk with my sister?"  And better yet, "How does it feel when I engage with my family?"

And I realize it is a mixture.  A mixture of both comfort and anxiety.

So I explore that further.  "Why would I feel that way?"

I realize that these are the people who have seen me at my absolute worst and lived to tell the tale-haha!

And because I've never lost them over any of that trivial bs, I feel an ease of comfort when talking to them because I have no preconceived ideas of judgement.

But then the anxiety.

I believe when I engage with the family I grew up with it has a tendency to take me back to a different time.

A different me.

What I will refer to as "Trailer Park Ashley."

See, Trailer Park Ashley lives in what seems to be a very small world.

Trailer Park Ashley expects everything to be easy, and spends all of her time happily oblivious; alone in her room with her nose in a book.

Trailer Park Ashley has no goals and no stories of success to look up to.

It's a sense of comfort commingled with a sense of loss.

Loss of self.  Of current self.

And none of this is to say that I suddenly start living my life a different way.

And none of this is to say that it's in our best interest to bury the person we once were at the cost of who we want to become.

(Though I dare say it denotes the fact that I am quite afraid to dig her up and let her live)

It's to say that the potential for my energy to shift back to this space creates a resistance in me.

It's to say that, when I feel these things, I immediately want to avoid those feelings and numb out instead.

And it's sneaky, the way these shadows creep in- the shadows of fear and avoidance.

Remember?  There was no thought process or feeling that said "Leave now.  Enter a happier place.  Distract."

It just happened.

It shows me just how terrified I am of being that trailer park girl again.

Of being the person who never has a fulfilling life because it is easier to get lost numbing out.

And then that leads me to ask myself, "How can I stop fearing that version of me?  How can I show it love instead?"

And that's hard.

Because I'm not entirely sure how much of that self should be loved and embraced.

Luckily, the ↣*ding!*↢  light bulb clicks.  I find the love!  I feel the love.

And yet again, I realize, it's about balance.

That part of me can be unhealthy if it reigns supreme.

BUT, the part of me in there....

                               the part that can be loved....
                                               
                                                  is my ability to sink into enjoyment!

I have the ability to completely bask in a feeling- to enjoy it completely.

But the back hand of that is that I also have the ability to completely wallow in a feeling- to get stuck in a place of misery.

This seems to be the most common theme in my life right now.

Being shown fear, and then realizing that balance is key.

Things are never all shadow nor all light.

And the fact that I have categorized most everything as such (without really even realizing it) has been- I believe- a huge part of my suffering.

Well, thank goodness growth doesn't come without struggle.  Elsewise I suppose I'd be a midget.

HA!