A Conversation with Me, Myself, and I (no, really)

What do I need to be healthy today?

This is the question I found myself asking.

It's a question I think I would do well to ask myself every day.

It's a question that has an answer that can and will change.

The question I'm usually asking goes a little something like:

"What would make me feel happy?"

or

"What do I want to do today?"

Want.  Happy.       

or

Need.  Healthy.

I get to choose these things for myself every single day.

Want is something that is always with us.  Was it always?  I mean really?  Like it is today?

Happy is something that feels pretty great, but is illusory to being caught.  It's more of an effect isn't it?  Like, if you set your sights on it alone, it usually doesn't quite work out, right?

It's not that I don't think "want" and "happy" have their place.  I just sometimes find myself overindulging them.

And I think if I would just stop the self-defeating litany that tends to pop into my head when I do, I'd be just fine.

I am just fine.  Yeah.  There we go.  That's better.  It feeeeeeels better, doesn't it?

I need to climb out of this self-constricting box I've created this week this month today.

Like I literally feel like my body just wants to ball in on itself.

I neeeeed expansiveness.

Ahhh.  There it is.  I just had to dig a little.  So how do I get that?

Oddly enough, I feel that the answer is, in its own right, restriction.  Ha!

But not of myself.  Of my choices.  Of my habits.

And that's ok.  It took me long enough to get here.  Ohp.  Did you hear that?

It's that voice again.  It won't let me have this one tiny victory.

No wait, 

I won't let me have this one tiny victory.  Not without some ridicule, it seems.

Apparently I feel the need to bring me down to size.

Isn't it just crazy?!  I mean, I know that that voice is self-defeating!   I know that it isn't going to actually kick my butt into gear like I want it to.

And still I cling to it when I don't trust myself.  And why don't I trust myself?!

Well, duh!  I must have made some bad decisions to get myself back to crazy town, right?

So I must need to beat the crap out of myself to make myself do what is best for me, right?

Le sigh.

I guess all I can really do when I get to this point is just accept it for what it is, yeah?

I mean, I can keep doing ^this ^,

or I can say

"Hold up.  It's ok.  Yeah you said those things to yourself.  Yeah you did those things that aren't really in your best interest.  And it's ok.  You feel like crap?  Yep!  Did you ignore the sign posts-you know, the ones you saw when you first started feeling like crap?  Yep!  Ok!  Now you know."

Doesn't that sound so much nicer?  Doesn't that sound like something you'd say to a friend?

Yeah.  So that's where I am today.

So I'm off to drink more lemon water instead of coffee.  And I'm off to eat apples and pecans instead of handfuls of chocolate chips (yeah you heard me).

And if I play my cards right, I might just get in bed at a decent hour tonight.

Oh sweet restrictions, can ya help a sista out?*

*Neck swivel is included.  You're welcome.