When Curiosity Leads to Self Love and Appreciation

The story that we always lose is an easy one to believe.

But believing that we can always still win is so much more fun, isn't' it?!

Losses and wins are always going to play out in our lives.

Neither should be ignored.

But I think we get to decide whether or not we get to come back around to a triumph or not.

All of these thoughts have been sparked by the mere fact that my dad is staying with me.

Having him around has caused me to need to process his effect on me.

He has been the hero who rescued me from a much worse fate, and yet...there is still a discomfort that comes from his presence.

....At first glance....

He has always seemed to have clouds of self doubt and victimization hanging over him, and those clouds seem to have their own gravity.

He seems to view the world through the lens that it's all brutal and unfair, and that's just how it is.

I see it in how he tells stories and in what he's willing to believe- both about himself and the world around him.

I see it in what he pays attention to and which stories he likes.

I see it in the sorrow he feels for so many others.

And all of these thoughts have surfaced because it just hit me today that I'm living in what seems like a space of unhappiness and avoidance when I'm at home right now. 

So I ask myself why I might be uncomfortable, and realize it's root lies in my dad being here.

His presence and energy.

And, more so, in the way I'm so sensitive in my response to the energy of others.

He's done nothing wrong or hurtful.  He hasn't been difficult to get along with or hard to please.  He hasn't been ungrateful- the opposite actually.

But I think his presence causes me to have to face the energy of not belonging.

It makes me realize I grew up surrounded by, and thus embodying, that energy.

And it shows me how sensitive I am to it.

Because I could/can feel it even when people are showing me great acts of kindness and love.

But what of it?  Now I'm even more curious.

I mean, I'm never going to feel I belong 100% of the time.  Who does?

Is it so important to me- the feeling of belonging- because I missed out on it for so long?  

And is it so bad that I'm driven to find it?

I suppose it's like anything else.

It has its own light and its own shadow.

And it has the ability to be buried in delusion.

So awareness is the first step, right?

And that makes me think: 

Maybe that's why I'm so addicted to the act of self-awareness.

Because maybe it's my purpose to rid myself of delusion here in this lifetime.

And, if it's so important to me, can I help finding it a matter of serious importance for all of us?

If I had grown up in a family where I felt seen and heard and supported as my truest self- if I'd felt that sense of belonging- what different presets would I then have?

Would this even be important to me?

♥  And then my thoughts start to change  ♥

Thank goodness for my sensitivities.

Without them, I'm not sure I'd been able to even begin wading out of the bullshit.

And thank goodness for my curious spirit, or else I would remain stagnant in that swamp of delusion.

And a big ol' "Hallelujah!" (Hell, why not?!) for the quiet and stillness of meditation.

Because if I had never begun to slow down, all the sensitivity and curiosity in the world could never save me from it.

So I suppose I could conclude with a "Thank you."

A thank you to the people in my life, who, without realizing it

-who, while doing the best they could to follow their hearts while still living in the delusion of their own self-sabotaging stories-

brought me through this space of not belonging.

The pain of which, without it, I would probably never have such clarity on its importance.

Sure, maybe I'd have less hang ups.

Maybe I'd even have been more successful by this point if it had been otherwise.

But that was not my intended purpose here on this planet, in this lifetime, in this body.

My sensitivity is a gift.  If people can't see it

- if I don't have a sense of belonging with ever person I come in contact with- 

that's ok.

You don't have to be "my people" for me to see my worth. 

Or yours.

It may create more discomfort than I'd like, and it may require more work than we can do in that single moment, 

but it does not take away from either of our roles in this life.

It only begs us to be more curious.

What I Believe

My belief is that we all have a purpose.

And, that, deep down, we want to live a life of purpose.

I believe it is easy to believe the lie that to have purpose we must perform epic acts.

In fact, I believed that lie for a long time.  I now believe living our purpose is just simply living our truth in each moment as it comes.

I also believe that for most of us it takes a lot of bravery and courage to show up to our purpose- our truth;

To speak it and to live it.

Not to mention, I'm pretty sure it can often take a lot of work to remove all the layers of BS that obscure just what it is.

At least, it has been that way for me.

And, I believe, just what it is has always been a part of us.

I believe finding it requires that we quiet all the fear voices running through our head

-all the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" and "what will they thinks."

I believe to quiet it we must find time to sit in stillness with ourselves.

We need time to process all of those thoughts and feelings; to sort them out and examine them.

It's so much easier to hide under the layers of BS and distraction.

But we need time and stillness to let that quieter voice

-the one that's way down deep in the core of our truest selves-

rise to the surface.

That's the real work.  That, and accepting ourselves within each layer as we peel it back and discover what's hiding underneath.

And then it's the acceptance that facilitates the allowing of that quiet voice to not just step forward, but for us to give it value.

And as we give it value, it is the bravery and courage that has to kick in for us to not just listen to it, but to follow it as well.

It is my truest desire that we will all come to know our purpose, and that we will live so in purpose that we will have more joy than misery in our lives.

That isn't to say we should deny that misery, because life will always have painful moments.

I just happen to think that the more we live according to our truth- our purpose- the less that misery can keep us down.

I believe that there is purpose to be found in pain.  I believe that finding purpose in pain can reveal our super powers.

I believe the more we accept that everything has its place, the more we can live a life less clouded by resistance and shame.

And I believe the less resistance and shame, the more layers we can peel back. 

And that under each new layer, we will find more and more truth, more and more purpose, and thus more and more joy.

And I believe the number one key to all of this is to always be curious;

And to always be willing to learn and expand.

Of Resolutions and Such....

I've never been one for resolutions, but as we've entered into the new year I have definitely looked back at what I've enjoyed and what I've learned over the last.

I've thought about what I want to release and what I want to let in.

In this coming year I want to release the pattern in me that says I have to "fix things."

There is some part of me that thinks the whole world is going to end if I can't make people happy.

Just like anything, this can be a blessing and a curse.

The problem is when I lose who I am in the mix- when I become so riddled with anxiety and shame that I say (or don't say) or do (or don't do) things that are not in alignment with who it is I really am.

Wanting to fix things, some would say, can often come from not wanting to feel the discomfort of those things ourselves.

So I'm starting there.

I want to carry with me the following questions into daily life, so I can sooner identify when I'm in this pattern, and sooner step out of it:

𐩑⚬✩⚬𐩑

↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝

Question #1:
Am I trying to fix this?

Question #2:
If yes, what am I trying to fix?

Question #3:
Why am I trying to fix it?

Question #4:
What will I gain from "fixing it"?

(and finally)

Question #5:
What could I gain from letting it go and NOT fixing it?

↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝

⚬𐩑✩𐩑⚬

As for what I want to allow in- it's spending more time with the people who make me feel supported;

Those who make me feel like I /B E L O N G/,

NOT like I have to fit in.

I have come to realize in these last few years-increasingly so- how V E R Y important it is to surround yourself with people who support you as you already are;

And who see your value even when

-ESPECIALLY when-

👁

 you can't see it yourself. 

I am going to make more dates with these kinds of friends

-and with my dang husband for that matter-haha!

Some days I would rather huddle alone at home and recuperate my energy- and I respect that about myself;

but I'm going to try to start reaching out more.

And maybe just as importantly-

🌟

I want to let in people who not only want to see me shine my light,

🌟 🕯 🌟

but who also want to shine theirs. 

🌟

Because offering that support back is just as important to me.

So I am starting there, too.

A Date with Playfulness

So, when I sit to meditate, I like to burn Sage.

Regular ol' culinary Sage.

And sometimes I think about that.

I think about what is normally perceived about a person who does things like that.

And I think about where I stand on the other end of that perception.

I honestly don't do it to clear spirits or energy- though I do like the idea of the latter, and try to treat it as somewhat of a ritual of entering into stillness when I meditate.

So one day as I was burning my Sage- watching it dance and swirl around my hands and in the light coming through the windows- I thought, "Why do I do it?"

And in response, I also think:

Well, I enjoy the smell for one thing.  But I also like to just play in the smoke.

I like to see how it whirls and twirls in the light; the way it blooms up around and through my fingers and toes.

I like the heat of it on my wrist and feet.

In this moment, I'm actually thinking these things as I'm doing them, and then this really neat thing happens.

I start to realize that I have this involuntary smile that feels like it is literally lighting up my face.

And then, I realize that these thoughts have brought this energy into my body that is so buoyant, and it's just rising up and beaming right out of me!

And I start thinking about this feeling and identify it as a feeling of playfulness.

As I recognize it as playfulness, the energy just beams that much more out of me- I mean this smile felt so big;

and strong.

Robust.  Yeah.  I think that's the word for it!

And as I realize that this sense of playfulness can elevate my energy this much, I start wondering,

"Where all does this feeling show up for me in my life?"

Because it feels damn good!

And because I start to think that maybe if we can identify where it shows up for us, we can begin to understand what brings us joy;

and we can follow that joy;

and we can lead more fulfilled lives.

Or, at the very least, we can begin to use playfulness as a tool to dispel the gloomies- to lift us up out of those dark places.

So for me, this feeling often shows up in the stillness- when my thoughts and imagination can have a spotlight to play in.

Or just when I get a good idea and suddenly have this stream of thoughts of how to accomplish that idea (I usually have to write it all down).

I feel it with certain music.

I feel it when I dance.

I feel it when I sing (alone in the car, of course).

I can feel it when I'm creating something.

And then I consider the places it doesn't always show up.

And I start to think on what it feels like to feel free.

Free, that is, from the confines of expectations, anxiety, and fear.

In the stillness, in the music, in the moments where I'm creating- I'm able to step away from those things.

And I realize- when you're holding the hands of fear and anxiety, you can't hold hands with playfulness.

I think it just may be impossible.

But, if you find yourself in that place where you can't let go...

Maybe, just maybe, if you know where to find playfulness- and you make a date with it- maybe you can find your way back into the light of joy and freedom.

Welcoming Belief Without Delusion: A String of Thoughts

It began with a Christmas book I was reading to Flora: The Littlest Christmas Tree: A Tale of Growing and Becoming by Janie Jasin.

In the book, this tiny tree is dreaming of what she will become as she grows, and along the way she learns to revel in the beauty of each moment.

It ends with this beautiful paragraph:

“Thank you, Dear Creator, for Life.

Thank you for Dreams. 

Thank you for Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings. 

Most of all, thank you for choosing me to grow - just for today - 

and to know the Wonder of Your World 

and its many Possibilities.” 

As I thought about how this book touched my heart, I also thought about this idea of a "Creator."

I began thinking that we, as humans, have minds geared toward creating: 

creating stories, 

creating tools, 

creating inventions, 

creating cultures,

creating communities,

creating movements,

creating life,

etc...

In this respect, it seems only natural that we would also think of ourselves as creations.

And, thus, that we have a creator.

And considering I find myself thinking that labeling what I consider consciousness as a human-like deity a bit limiting, I considered how it had still moved my spirit.

Which took me to the thought loop of whether or not being created caused us to have creation-based thoughts and actions, or if it's the other way around.

Inside out, or outside in?

Though I think the answer matters little, I still ponder over it as this wonder of humanity that we can even ask such questions.

And as a wonder, I can see no beginning or end- or at least where it would lie.

Which gives rise to this idea of eternity and a never ending circle. 

And the wonder of these thoughts having no need of a human-like deity* for them to be expansive to my spirit.

(*I feel like I should make note that I have no judgement or shame for anyone who does feel more comfortable with a deity.)

Something inside me "pings" at just being aware of it.

Then, days later, my lovely friend and photographer, Jill England, shared a quote with me from this Instagram account that put it in a whole new perspective for me.  A small piece of it goes like this:

⍣★⍣     

"Enlightenment is not limited to any religion or education. 

      It is a very real experience... 

      The process begins with broadening the context of the 'I am.'  

      Where 'I am' no longer implies just this body with its borders being the flesh.  

      Instead this 'I am'  is the entire living world..."

⍣★⍣

And I realized that, anything that broadens our spirits and our mindful awareness; that expands our sense of love and connection to all things- 

I'M SO FOR IT! ✊

And it seems to make it to where I'm able to embrace this idea of belief in a "Creator."

Even if it isn't my way of seeing or labeling it.

Because I really have come to think that belief is just inherent to who we are as a species.

So it seems like a waste to be completely resistant to it.  I mean, to believe there is nothing to believe in is still a belief, right?

But, then, I can also see where a line could be drawn; I can see why someone might become resistant to this idea of belief.

Because all too often belief comes with delusion.

An unwillingness to be honest with ourselves and to really search within.

Too often belief is intellectualized without being internalized into our spirit.

When a person holds tight to a belief without any sense of inner worthiness, it has potential to become delusional.

Belief without a sense of  your own inner knowing can come to mean that you hold tight to what you're taught because it's what you've been taught- not necessarily because it's the best path for your soul.

On the extreme end, ungrounded belief can lead to heinous acts.

On the lighter end, it can cause people to think they need to throw their beliefs in the "non-believer's" face at every turn.

Which is no surprise if everyone else is taught at a young age- as I was when I was in church- that

 "each time you miss a chance to witness, it is potential blood on your hands."

I think about that now like ::whoa::.

Because, as a kid who was very ungrounded in my own sense of self-worth, I took that to heart!

And I'm pretty sure I was pretty annoying-haha!

But I digress.....

Christianity was the earliest stepping stone on my path to spiritual growth, but I had to step away from it to see it's real purpose in my life.

And because I can now see that undercurrent of wanting to be loved and to be worthy- and to spread that love and worthiness to others- in nearly all forms of belief,

I can now embrace it; embrace belief- play with it, take from it what I need and leave what I don't-without delusion.

And now that I know what feels right for my soul's path- and what doesn't- I can embrace it in others as well.

˃˃💛˂˂

Curious and Creative

Two things have been at the forefront of my thoughts lately:

→creativity & curiosity←

And I feel like they go hand in hand.

I've been thinking about how important it is to stay curious in all sorts of scenarios.

For one thing, I imagine life- with this consciousness we carry- would be really boring and miserable without some form of curiosity.

Curiosity is like the action of the wrist twisting the doorknob to lead you outside of a dark room.

If you follow it, you need never be stuck for long.

And after hearing the illustrious  Brené Brown say so, I knew it was true- that curiosity is one of the most effective tools you can have as a leader.

Being curious

- instead of reactive and defensive- 

allows for this safety,  

that we don't always have, 

within a potentially uncomfortable conversation.

That sense of safety then has this potential to lead to clearer communication, greater kindness, and more effective problem-solving.

And that's just with two scenarios, my friends 😉.

Then there's creativity. 

To be creative, you have to have imagination; 

and you have to be curious.

You have to be able- and willing- to think up, or consider, something that doesn't already exist.

And it allows you to give possibility to what may seem impossible.

And the expansiveness it creates within us is, I dare say, down right therapeutic!

As humans, this has got to be- 

really and truly-

one of our innate super powers.

Look at all the stuff we've created that didn't exist before!

In childhood, our imagination is a part of us that we barely have to think about.

But as we grow to have more and more responsibilities, 

and especially as we have to start "adulting,"

it is my belief that this creativity- this imagination- can get drowned in all the "have-tos" and "should-dos" we are met with.

It is easy to begin to believe that the imagination we once had, needs to be left behind- 

or at least put on the back burner 'til all the "important stuff" is done.

In fact, this is a belief I unknowingly held onto into my 30s.

Only in the recent years have I come to value the importance of letting my imagination and creativity flow.

And in doing so, I can't help but think that, as adults, we are not only still allowed to prioritize our creativity and imagination;

but that it is also imperative.

Without creativity and imagination, we live a half-life; 

we live in a sort of dragged out misery.

And don't trick yourself into thinking that these parts of us only apply to the artist or the writer or the dancer or the crafty person.

They show up in everything if we allow them:

problem-solving, gardening, business planning, marketing, conversation, meditation, driving, goal setting, cooking, exercising, etc., etc....

Creativity and imagination are an innate part of us, 

and I really do think we can stand to benefit from valuing them 

and prioritizing them 

more than we do.

If you think you'd like to try, but you don't know where to start, let me give you a tip that worked for me.

Make a list of 20 things you like to do.

It doesn't matter how long it has been since you've done these things.

Pick at least one thing from that list and dedicate a set time to do it.

What you are doing is scheduling a date with yourself to let your inner child out to play.

Here, you are satisfying both your logical inner adult- by scheduling it- and your creative imagination- by letting it play.

And, if you're like me, the results may just change your life.

💛

Life-Long Sorrow

I could come up with a million and one reasons why I haven't sat at this keyboard for almost a month.

But as I contemplate them, one thing comes to mind:

I haven't felt like being seen or heard.

Shortly after my last post, my mom and dad went into ICUs at different hospitals at the same time.

It has sucked out my energy, my creativity, and my engagement quota.

I have wanted to hide and avoid any and everything possible.

I have felt overwhelmed and sinking.

I've still had work and a five-year-old and a household.

I haven't felt relaxed, well-rested, or excited in weeks.

And even though the worst was mostly over after the first week or so, the ripple effect is still jarring me.

Things I had prioritized before this shift still feel undone- weighing and waiting on me.

I'm in mourning, seemingly, for a routine and energy that seem to have slipped through my fingers.

My dad had a stroke in the back of his brain.  He actually has come out of it pretty darn well, considering, but it is going to mean more time and involvement in his life for me.

My mom had irregular heart rhythms, verging on v-tach.  That has been resolved and her heart is better than before, but now her mental health is back to being very unstable.

My mom has had just about every "negative" diagnosis under the sun: schizophrenia, bi-polar, manic depressive, anxiety disorder, depression, and now, in her later years, dementia.

She's had such a long run of being stable this time, though, that it seems to have spoiled me.

Dealing with this is always hard for me.  It's often hard to tell how much of her behavior is her illness and how much is her personality.

And the negativity of it tugs on me and pulls me under with it if I'm not prepared.

See, I have no comforting memories of my mother.

My whole life, the feelings that have surrounded my relationship to her have been things like:

Guilt
Pity
Shame
Anger
Helplessness
Sadness
Crazy

What little bit of stability there has ever been has always been short-lived.  And even in those times, she wasn't living with me or raising me.

Often, when I'm anxious, I will play scenarios that have either gone "wrong" or have potential to go "wrong" over and over in my head.

And it seems to happen automatically.

I'll envision the scenario with me explaining all the things that I might have said to make it go better, or how I'd like to say them should this worst-case confrontation play out.

It's as if some part of me thinks that if I can get it right in my head, all will not be lost.

That I'll have some kind of control over it.

So on my way to work one morning, having one of those anxious conversations in my head,

I stopped and thought:

"I'm doing it again.  Why am I always so anxious about upsetting people, anyway?"

And while it isn't necessarily abnormal to be anxious about upsetting someone, it can sometimes totally change my behavior and disrupt my mental health.

Then a thought came to me that I have never, ever thought before:

"You're afraid that if you upset someone, you'll never be forgiven for it.  You're afraid it's the end."

Ok.  I get that.  But why?

And then I realized, thinking back to my childhood,

to memories of the people in my life- and most specifically, my mom-

that because of her outbursts, and irrational anger, and the way it was projected onto me,

I had been in tons of scenarios where I felt I had upset her.

And not one of those scenarios ever had a resolution.

No talking about it afterwords.  No apology or explanation.

Nothing.

Looking back, I can now see these scenarios had nothing to do with me whatsoever.

But I internalized that I was to be guilty and blamed for many things not even regarding me, and that I was not to be forgiven for them.

I internalized it as emotional trauma.

I've never looked at her and thought "You've never forgiven me."

But when these things popped into my head, it made sense.

It explains that crippling anxiety of upsetting people.

It explains why, when I'm depleted and upset, I go straight to guilt.

It explains why I find reasons in my head for people not to like me, and then worry over the reality of it.

It explains why I have a hard time with self-trust.

🔼
⥈
🔽

But it also explains why I'm so empathetic.

Why I root for the underdog.

Why I crave connection and communication.

Why I want to see the best in people.

Why I believe, when someone is showing their worst self, that underneath all of that is pain and not evil.

It's why I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

It's why I want to deconstruct a person's worst behaviors to see the scenarios that led them to this state instead of condemning them for it.

And it's why I want to be part of the solution by offering understanding and love and permission to others.

🔼
⥈
🔽

So, while these traumas sometimes feel like my life-long sorrows

it isn't lost on me that they can also be my superpower.

⇝◑⇜