Practice Makes Perfect(ish)

So the topic of the week for me is shame.

Ask, and ye shall receive.

I've been obsessed with the work of Brené Brown for about two weeks now.

A lot of her research deals in shame.

It is no surprise that, as I've used a lot of my spare time delving into finding every interview/talk of hers that I can find, my own shame has been shown to be over and over again in the last few weeks.

When it first became apparent to me, it started as just about any shame does: anger at the one who "made me" feel it.

I processed through that for a few good days.  Remember? I wrote about it.

I finally came to the conclusion that it was, indeed, my own shame being shown to me.

I decided that I would look at it as practice.

I mean, in a sense, a lot of life is- right?

So I say to myself, "Don't take it so hard, champ.  You'll never be able to change your approach without practice.  Practice is a good thing."

And boy have I had a lot of practice these last few weeks.

It certainly hasn't made perfect, but then again, I haven't been practicing very long.

I doubt it will ever really be "perfect," and I think the real goal is just being ok with that.

It's hard to train yourself not to have a knee jerk reaction to shame.  You can prepare all you want, but it's called a knee jerk reaction for a reason, right?

So, for now, I know the best thing I can do is to just keep loving myself; to just keep reminding myself that we are all perfectly imperfect; and more than anything, to be patient with myself.

Just because I know a thing, does not mean I instantly have it mastered.

I think it'll do me some good to just keep reminding myself of that.

I'm so thankful to have friends with whom I can discuss these things with.  Friends, who, when I show them all the shame I have, they give no judgement back.

Friends, who, with their very presence, remind me that I can give myself the same allowances I give others.  That I don't have to always expect so much of myself (which just creates more shame in the first place).

So a shout out to my merry mermaid making buddies (for mermaidy things we did create today!)- you know who you are ♥

Now, in leaving off where I began, please enjoy this talk by the one and only Brené Brown on Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count.

Craving Rain

Whelp, it's not even the Summer Solstice yet, but it's already happened:

The Fall Longing.

It's only happened once, but it's happened!

I've also been really craving rainy/thunderstorm days.

I didn't realize just how much until the other day.

It had started storming while I was cleaning the house.  I quickly became inspired to make a rainy day playlist*.

*Except in my world that sounds too boring, so of course I named it something pretentious like "Sink into Precipitation"......

It wasn't until it stopped and the sun started to come back out, and I realized I was kinda bummed about it-haha!

I feel like a good thunder storm just makes you feel like the whole world is offering you a good excuse to just
                                                               sit,
                                                                   sink,
                                                                       and slow down.

Then there's the comforting rumble of the thunder (as a good friend pointed out to me). 

And, for some reason not entirely known to me, it always feels like there is some kind of adventure waiting to begin.

Give me my hoody, a blanket, and a good movie that kinda mimics the mood, and I. Am. Set!

(For Flora and me, yesterday's thunderstorm was accompanied by Jumanji.)

Ya know, I used to wonder over which was my favorite season- Spring or Fall?

As of right now, I'm pretty dang sure it's Fall.

Spring's new awakening plants, and that smell of petrichore, surely have their merits;

but there is something about Fall's invitation to slow down, to notice, to see a different kind of change, that is just so dang comforting.

I definitely found a deeper appreciation for Winter this last year, as well.

Again, I didn't even realize how deep I'd sunk into it's comforts until I found myself wishing that Spring would hold just off

just a little longer.

I just didn't feel ready to give up the solace of solitude I found in the muted landscape on my ride to work in the mornings.

And as it has gotten deeper into these warmer/hotter months, I feel myself slowing down in a way that isn't quite as invigorating as it was in the colder months.

And, oddly, I'm ok with it.  I think because I realize it as just being part of my own yearly cycle.

It's like, in seeing my response to the changing seasons, I'm seeing some map of myself being laid out for me.

And if anything gives me a natural high, it's seeing and analyzing "new" parts of myself- haha!

So I'll end with a curiosity question:

How about you?  What is your favorite sesason?  Why?

Moment of Clarity

/Stillness/

Sometimes it hits me just how hard being human is.

And some days

- they're really rare-

but some days, I can actually see the beauty in the struggle.

And even though it doesn't happen often- or maybe just not as often as I'd like-

the acknowledgement of it makes me feel so.....

I'm not sure of the word to use....

complete   and    full    and     whole

that it makes me want to come back again.

And the Beat Goes.....

I find it super hilarious that just last week I was excitedly typing about how I'd integrated the whole bearing witness thing, and it felt so liberating, and whoo yeah go me!......

Only to have it seriously challenged this weekend-ha!

That's how it goes, though, right?!

Like, the lesson is never really over!

The patterns are still there!

Lemme just say, that when I say that I was challenged, what I mean is that I have had several days worth of processing to do.

Several.

Without too much detail, I fell into the pattern where I go into what I'm going to call "avoidance/survival mode."

It's when I, almost unaware, just kinda bend over backwards to accommodate whatever difficult personality is in the room.

I always feel super shitty afterwards, and I usually get really pissed at whoever triggered it.

I find myself with a litany of repeated scenarios in my head of what I could have said here, or what it would have went like if I'd said this over there when this thing happened.

So I find myself with this person and I can't seem to get them out of my head all the rest of the night and into the next day.

Finally, I'm like "Ok, seriously.  What happened here?"

I thought of Dr. Shefali saying, "Life doesn't happen to us, it happens for us."

So I'm like, "Alright, how does that apply here?  What am I really upset about?  And what does that tell me?"

Well, it turns out I was upset that this is still my go to pattern when in a difficult situation.

Yeah, yeah-- I can also pin point all the stinging remarks made;

and I can still feel myself really wanting to, like, neck swivel and say how annoying that person was;

and I can totally  remember and recount word for word for you all the annoying-ass things they said.

But it really comes down to the fact that I feel like I failed myself. 

I let myself walk into that position of being belittled- of being less than worthy to speak my mind.

I let, and even accommodated that person in having total control of the whole evening.

And it was all out of avoidance.

I'm still an avoider!

Dammit!

Oh, well.  I see it now.  I suppose it takes a lot of prep and practice not to be that way for me.

So instead of being so damn mad that I then give this person further control (over my thoughts and general emotional space), I'm going to say,


"Good to know."


And so here I am.  I reeeeeally didn't feel like writing today.  Again.

Then I remembered that this whole thing is a practice.  That was the whole point of it. 

Not to make some supremely value-loaded blog.

Not to ensure that I give my "wisdom" to those reading.

So I find myself thinking, "Why all the pressure?"  I guess it's easy to get caught up in that space.

It's funny how comparing yourself sneaks up on you like that. 

Because that's what it was.

I was comparing myself to the blogs that I enjoy reading.  Which totally are suprememly value-loaded ( in my humble opinion.)  

And thinking that's what I needed to provide should I choose to sit down in front of the screen.

And it definitely does make a difference knowing people are reading.

But no.  This is for me. 

Of course I love the idea of this being a connecting point. 

Of course I love the idea that I might actually have some wisdom to share.

But if I don't, who cares?!  Really?!  I'm still gonna sit my ass down and write!  Every damn week!

Aha!  Another lesson!

Also, what really hit me

-and let me just say that writing this blog was not the only thing on my 'to-do' list today-

was when I realized that there is a difference between when I really do need to step back and let myself stand still;

and when I am literally trying to force everything to stand still for me.

Usually it's just because I don't feel like moving forward.

Today would have been one where I was forcing it.  I could tell. 

I could tell that if I just sat around and tried to do nothing that it would not be healthy for me.

I can't tell you how many days I haven't listened to the part of me that knows that difference.

So I dare say, that despite the extreme mental and emotional discomfort that one afternoon brought,

it wasn't for nothing.

Thank goodness!

So how about you?  .

Do you ever wish the world would just stand still for you?

What patterns/weaknesses do you hate to face?

What do you do when you're faced with them?

Lessons Learned

I became aware of something this last week.

Like, really aware.

I can bear witness without having to accommodate or fix things!

In case that sounds confusing, let me explain.

First of all, bearing witness is something I only recently grasped the concept of.

Bearing witness means exactly what it sounds like- it means we are there, alongside someone or some experience, witnessing and acknowledging what is happening.

But really, it's more than that.  It's being there, and not trying to "fix" things; and not feeding into things.

Often, when we try to fix things for other people, they aren't even asking us to. 

And often, it can actually make them feel less validated, and can put unwanted pressure on the situation.

Up until now (and sometimes even now) I have wanted to fix- or at least accommodate- others in their problems.

My mind will automatically fish out some experience I think is relateable, or will grasp for some piece of advice that I think could help.

I now realize that this is often fear based:

fear of the other person feeling that they aren't seen;

fear that, if the other person's issue isn't fixed, it could leak out and affect me (in my more personal relationships);

fear of absorbing another's suffering;

fear that they will think I'm not listening or don't really care.

And I'm starting to realize that when we approach anything with fear, we often actually get what it is we are trying to avoid.

Like, a personal case of mine: say you don't want your child to internalized a negative dialogue, and then you hear her saying things like "I'm the worst" or "I wish I'd never been born."

That can really freak you out!

The instant reaction (or mine anyway) is to say something like "Don't say that about yourself!  You aren't the worst."  Or maybe "Why would you say that?  Where did you hear that?"

I now realize that what I'm actually trying to do in that situation is control it. 

And in trying to control it, guess what I'm doing? 

Invalidating my child's own feelings.  

Which, in fact, will lead to a negative inner dialogue.

Which, in fact, I don't want.

Kinda funny, huh?  But it's true!  Or, at least, I think it is.

So, now, with this information, I'm trying to do things differently in my household.  I'm trying to allow my child those feelings; and instead of trying to snuff them out, I'm trying to give them space to just be. 

To let her just be.

I may still engage her over these feelings, but it isn't in such a controlling way.

I'll ask "Oh yeah?  What's gotcha feeling like that?" Or I'll say something like, "Yeah, I know that's a bummer.  I've felt that way before, too."

It isn't a perfect dynamic, but I'm trying.

Also, on the other side of this issue, trying to accommodate someone in their negativity/problems by relating to them can be really draining.

This is one that happens a lot to me at work.  And this is where this mantra has been the most liberating for me.

When you work with other people- or, ya know, interact with humans ever- you stand to have some of these interactions be....mmm.... less than ideal.

Not every person is going to think the same as you.

Not every person is going to view the world the same as you.

And, certainly, not every person is even going to be conscious of the fact.

I've begun to realize I'm an accommodater, and that it doesn't serve me well.

To avoid conflict, I'm often "nice" when I really don't need to be.   It tends to lead to situations that could get me into trouble (at my job), or that at least make me feel uncomfortable.

One way that I accommodate is when someone is complaining, and I jump on the complain train.

It's.so.damn.easy.to.do.

I mean, who doesn't have crap they can complain about?

And in certain situations, this makes me feel super* drained.  Then I get anxious about being in those situations because I know how they can make me feel.


*Side note: this is one of those moments where a word suddenly looks really alien to me.  Super.  Super.  Super? Do you see it, too?  Anyway....


But I realized that the only reason it does that to me is because I'm trying to accommodate it.

So now, when I find myself (often naturally and automatically) merging mind streams with someone who is in that place, I will repeat this mantra to myself: "It's ok to just bear witness.  No need to accommodate or fix this."

And it has really helped! 

It hasn't just helped me with my anxiety and stress level, though.  It's also allowed me to see people for who it is they really are.

And in situations where I would normally be internally cowering, I can now almost find humor in these moments.

And I really think it's because I'm able to take off the lens of anxiety and just see it for what it is:

that person is afraid

or

that person is trying to control things

or

that person is having a bad day.....etc....

And I don't even try to make myself a part of it. 

Because I'm not!  And I don't have to be!

And it is just wonderfully liberating!  Haha!

So how about you?  Any lessons you've internalized to your own benefit lately?


P.S.  I just want to give credit where credit is due and post this link to one of the many Dr. Shefali videos I've been watching.

Seriously, I'm a little obsessed right now.  I'm searching out and watching/listening to everything I can find from her.

She has so much wisdom to share about not only our relationships with our children, but also in addressing our own inner child.

So, if you give it a watch, I'd love to know whatcha think about what she has to say.

See ya!

Vain and Vulnerable

Last week I changed my "About Me" photo to this one:

I'm literally laughing at myself because I feel so ridiculous.

I also posted it on my Instagram handle- @clovercatmossycape - with this caption:

There was a time when I took photos of myself ALL the time. I was kinda obsessed with it. Then a switch flipped and it all seemed so silly-posing and making "cute" ducky faces.

So what, then, does a girl do when she finds herself wanting a current and nice photo taken of herself? 

Do it and call herself vain to keep the ego in check-haha! Or maybe as a buffer to the criticism of those who might think I take myself too seriously? 

Yeah, that's probably more accurate.

It really makes me appreciate all of those liberating "I don't have to explain my selfie to you" posts. 

Still, though, I explain. I suppose because I'd rather you think I'm insecure than vain. Because undermining myself is the surest way to get your approval (so say my egoic thought patterns). Just a day in the life of my mind stream. Welcome!

So....How many of you feel totally silly posting a nice picture of yourself sometimes?

So, here's how it happened:

One of my girlfriends was coming over with one of her girlfriends I'd never met before. 

I decided to scrub the house clean, and thus felt pretty grungy. 

What's the quickest way to fix feeling grungy without time to shower?!

MAKE UP!!

And then, I'm all like "Ooh, girl, look at you!  Someone needs to take yo pictcha!" 

With underlying thoughts of how I hardly ever take nice photos- or have them taken- of myself these days; and how it would kinda be nice to have one.

But when I told Melody that I'd like to have my picture taken since I felt like I looked nice.....

Whoa.

It triggered some serious vulnerability in me.

I know this because I continued to say how vain I was; thanking her for appeasing my vanity; saying things like "My vanity* would really like a picture of me with make up on."

*I wouldn't even own it.

It even carried over into the post I made. 

I wanted anything but to have anyone think I thought I looked nice.

Or worse.

That I cared.  I mean it's almost embarrassing to think how hard I coward cowered under this umbrella of self-proclaimed vanity.

It's just different when you ask for it, ya know?

I don't feel this way when someone takes a nice photo of me without my knowing or asking; or when it's a group thing; or when I do it and send it to, like, one good friend.

But I asked for it! (le gasp!)  And I posted it!  ((double gasp!))

I was trying so hard to hide in self-deprecation that it didn't even matter to me how much I was belittling myself. 

I was just so uncomfortable having anyone think that I might care about how I look.

I'm not sure if it was so hard because I was in the presence of someone new, or if it would have been the same had she not been there.

I do know that I apparently have an incongruous bent in how I view what this means to me.

So today,

before I sat down to write,

the thought of it came to me again. 

And I wondered what all the dictionary actually had to say about the word "vain".

Now, just like you, I know what this word means.  I know how to use it. 

But I still think sometimes it is really refreshing to go check the full definition of a word. 

So often we've grown up using language based around the context clues we've picked up on in the word's use, without ever really having to clearly define it.

So I looked it up for clarity, and, as with most words, there were several definitions:

---------------------------------------------------

vain [veyn]

adjective

1. excessively proud of or concerned about one's own appearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited:

2. proceeding from or showing pride in or concern about one's appearance, qualities, etc.; resulting from or displaying vanity :

3. ineffectual or unsuccessful; futile:

4. without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless:

5. Archaic. senseless or foolish.

-----------------------------------------------------

So number 4 really stopped me in my tracks:

 "without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless"

It resonated.  This was the fear.  This was the vulnerability.  This was the lack.

This was once how I felt about showing people my art.  The vulnerability lied in the idea that I may not be taken seriously.  So it'd be best to beat them (anyone) to the chase, right? 

If I put myself down first, then I was at least in control of it.

Until this moment it had never hit me how easy that was to set aside. 

Except, 

truthfully, 

this is still how I operate in regards to anything I might feel insecure about otherwise.

Setting it aside with the art was easier, maybe, because it wasn't as personal.

Now, compared to this, I could really see that!

Or, maybe, these things just come in stages, so that we're not overwhelmed with it all at once.

Either way, it is apparent to me, that, at some point in my life (or a build up over many points?) I have adopted it as truth that I am 

                                               not. 

                                                   worth. 

                                                          being. 

                                                                  seen.

And I know I'm not the only one.  

And as silly as I felt the day that picture was taken, I'm glad it was.  

And I'm glad I posted it.  

Because look at all this damn. glorious. reflection!!

So, in taking a moment to recognize this, I take it as my new challenge to try and never call myself vain again.  

Even if that is how I feel.

Because if what I believe is true, then I am divine and connected to 

All There Is.

And THAT could never be insignificant or worthless.

Maybe Magic is Simple

Is it possible that magic is just really very simple?

That only my lens of expectation has kept me from experiencing it more in my life?

Maybe the magic is simply acknowledging the simple.  Maybe it comes when you really SEE it for what it is.

These were thoughts I had while burning Sage.  Not White Sage-I have none of that.  Just culinary Sage.  What's already here with me.

I'm not trying to clear spirits.  I'm not trying to cleanse auras.  I just really love watching the smoke dance.

And the smell.  It. Is. Divine.

I'm not gonna lie.  I was introduced to burning Sage through some witchy* ways, but at the end of the day, I realize, I just enjoy it.  No broomsticks cauldrons strings attached.

I've even figured out that the smaller, silvery leaves smell best when burned. :D

So I thought that maybe my enjoying the smoke's fragrant dancing WAS the magic.

Or, more so, that my acknowledging that enjoyment

-completely-

was the magic.

Maybe the disappointment only comes when I'm trying to force it.

And then, why?  Because I'm trying to rush it?  Because I'm not allowing myself to slow down?

Probably.

It is definitely true that I am most likely to find it in the moments when I do slow down.  When I take time to notice what's around me.

Or, at least, that's been my experience.

The more I think of it, the more I think that I'm a being that likes to take my time,

and yet,

I don't always let myself do that.

I'm no overachiever.

I'm no fast-paced, serial accomplishment-er.

How do I frame that so that it is a strength?  How do I keep myself from nagging that part of me to do more?  To be more?

How much of the "do more, be more" do I need to listen to?

These are legit things I'm still figuring out.  As far as I can tell, there isn't a map.

And still, to think that even when I'm distracted by trying and grasping and running and going....the magic is still there.....

It feels really liberating!

I mean really.  It's always there!  Waiting to be found.

Just like how all of nature, even if you don't see it, it still sees you, right?!

Man, this thought really excites me!

I'm going to have to remember this the next time I'm down in the dumps....

How about you?  When is it that you really feel the magic?

*A note on the word "witchy": I feel the need to say that, here, the term "witch" may not be what you have conceived of it to be.  My thoughts on the word have far expanded past what they once were.  Needless to say, I don't believe in magic spells, but I do believe in the natural magic that lies in wait all around us.  If you believe in magic spells, I have no judgement for you, I've just never connected with that sort of thing.