Recurring Thoughts

Recurring thought:

"I need to stop expecting everything to be easy."

This isn't the first time I've had thoughts on my expectations,

and how they trip me up.

This time the thought came to me while I was doing yoga.  I was doing what seemed like it should* be an easy pose,

(*ever heard that phrase: "Don't should on yourself"?)

but I was really feeling the strain on my muscles.

For a moment I thought about settling my body into a more comfortable position, but then a little voice popped up and said,

"You've got to quit expecting everything to be easy."

And I realized that this is the expectation underlying all those moments I find myself wanting to numb out and be lazy; when I want to quit; when I want to stop working on something meaningful.

It makes so much sense to me that pain and discomfort bring growth,

yet,

when I'm met with it, I still tend to greet it with those same old patterns; those same expectations.

Maybe not every time; maybe not even as much as I used to.

And each time it just sort of just sneaks up on me.

When it happens, it can take me days, or even weeks to realize what is going on.

And each time, it feels like an "aha!" moment all over again.

It's kind of like one of those series of mystery novels- where the plot may be different, but the overarching theme and resolution are always the same-haha!

(BOOM! Nerdy literary reference for the win!)

And I suppose that life is just made up of these repeating patterns.

 .....Swirl.....by.....swirl.....

You just keep getting brought back each time, being given another moment to reflect;

another chance to practice.

How about you?  Any recurring thoughts lately?

Gifts and Giving

*Disclaimer: this is just me processing through some new thoughts.  This is in no way saying that giving or receiving gifts is either good or bad.  It's just addressing my complicated relationship with, and emotions around, giving and receiving gifts.

I have what I feel is a complicated relationship with gifts and gift giving.

Or maybe it isn't that it's complicated, but that, again, I'm beginning to see another space in my life that could do with a little more pause-and-think;

 a little more balance.

I love how it feels to receive gifts.  I also love how it feels to give gifts.

But maybe not all gifts and giving are equal?

Gifts can be a way to show you care and think fondly of someone and can bring great joy- I don't want to take away from that fact with what I'm going to say with all of this.

But I've also started to think that gifts can also be a way to connect yourself to someone; a way to enter into their life and stake claim.

This could be nefarious, but it could also be because you just don't know any other way to enter into a person's life.  Maybe you're afraid they won't give you a chance to enter in, so you sort of pave the way with gaining their gratitude by giving a gift?

This doesn't have to be a negative thing, either, but I think it's best to be aware of the giver- especially if this is someone you don't know very well.

And by that, I mean that maybe it is best to think on a gift when given.  Don't just jump to the conclusion that this person is completely selfless, and that you are a selfish little bitch if you aren't just as thoughtful. (I'm talking to you there, voice in my head)

It's about context.  And, yet again, it's about balance and boundaries.

Having these thoughts has made me consider my own relationship with gift giving.  It makes me want to make sure I question my own motives in the future.

I mean, how many times have I given gifts because of a perceived pressure?  Or really, guilt? (don't wanna be that selfish little bitch, do I?)

I have reeeeeeeal big issues with gift guilt.

When I am unexpectedly given a gift, but I've never gifted that person or don't have something to give in return, I feel MEGA guilt.

So I'm finding myself examining that.  Where did I learn that?  Why do I feel that way about it?

I know, that at it's root, it has to do with worry that someone is going to think I don't care about them as much as they care about me.

I don't wanna be no selfish little bitch!

And when I feel guilt, I try to hide it before it can be seen by covering it up with overcompensating.

***I feel the need to interject here by saying that this is not the situation with everything.

There are people in my life to whom it gives me great joy to gift.

But it's funny, isn't it?  How we carry things around with us, and never give them a thought. 

I can now see that this is something I've done for a long time, but I've never really given it language.

I'm starting to be able to tell there is a difference of...... feeling, when both giving and receiving, in certain circumstances.

And maybe it's just because I am starting to actually pay more attention to how I feel.  Maybe it's because I actually am starting to slow down and check in more.

I think about how I've had a dad from far away sending me more gifts than I could ever give back. 

The way I've enjoyed the feeling of getting those gifts without really having that relationship cultivated- without knowing how to cultivate it.

The way, as I've gotten older, I've started to notice the guilt around receiving those gifts.  The guilt of calling to say thanks when I haven't called in a while.  The guilt of not calling instead.

(Working through my dad issues-or even realizing I have them- is new to me and a whole other topic entirely.)

I look back and realize that I have lived a good portion of my earlier years thanking strangers: teachers bringing "anonymous" Christmas gifts, people I've never met giving hand-me-downs, estranged sisters who live far away sending me birthday cards with money in them.

My life- at least the formative years- has been a string of half-formed relationships.

And I think these associations would most likely take on a different form had I had the emotional support and engagement that I needed from my closest family during that time.

Instead, those relationships were the ones I was trying to survive (not realizing it then as I do now).

So these things were maybe impressed upon me at an age when I had no way of really understanding or articulating them.  And certainly the ones impressing them upon me didn't either.

So, I suppose, there's a lot to be uncovered going forward. 

Sometimes the uncovering is a bit uncomfortable and I may have a negative, knee-jerk reaction to it.

But sitting back and writing it all out, reading it back to myself, it helps me really see it.

When I started writing this post, it was with this feeling of distrust in others.  This need to point out that not everyone has pure intentions.

But as I began to write, I began to see that even that was only reflecting me back to myself.

Sometimes we can get angry, or even suspicious, and still it doesn't have to mean anyone is bad.

It could just mean that something inside of us is throwing up that alert to be examined.  And I feel that this is exactly what that was.

This was just another reminder from myself- my true self- that I need to

Wait.  Process. 

To not jump to action based on my perception of what is expected of me.

I'm still learning to check in with silent moments; those silent moments I have purposefully carved out.

Now, perhaps, it is time I bring those silent moments with me.  That I keep them in my back pocket, ready to pull out and use before each and every response.

To stop hiding them away, afraid to expose them.

Yeah.

My silent moments can come along with me as my very own safe guard.  Anyhow, it seems like a pretty good conclusion to me.

Everything is a Song

Well, it's been two weeks ("since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry...")

Yeah, yeah.  I'm a cornball and everything is a song in my head ("in my heeeeeaaad, in my hea-ah-ah-eeead, zohhhhmbie, zohhhhhhmbie, zohhmb-ie-ie-ie"). See what I mean?

That's just how my brain do.

But for real, it's been two weeks.  Last Sunday I'd finished up my yoga and meditation and was feeling pretty good about writing, but then leaving for dinner caught be by surprise (sort of).

Now I'm not entirely sure what I was even going to write about-ha!

Something gleaned during meditation, of course, but what was it.....

Maybe I should stop right now and go meditate and see what comes up....

Eh, but anyway, I have learned some lessons these last two weeks:

1. The more a person reveals their deepest flaws to me, the more I trust them
2. That's not always healthy
3. This is yet another place I'm learning balance and boundaries
4. I need to learn to say "Let me get back to you" more often than I say "Yes/Yeah/Sure/Of course!"

I've heard it said that we draw people into our life for a reason.  I like that.

It helps me think of this situation that way.

When I find myself frustrated with a thing or a person or a situation, I can ask myself "What's the purpose of this?  What can I learn from this?"

And then the thing, the person, or the situation no longer feels like this ominous thing- this enemy.

Then the thing becomes significantly profound*. 

*Say it in a dreamy voice with me now:  PRO-FOOOOUUUUND.

Which is great for me, because my little critter brain- the one that operates on fear and tells me that pretty much everything is a threat- can rest a little easier.

So my lesson this week, more than any of the others, is to take the time to actually evaluate how I feel about someone/something before jumping in.

My husband would probably tell you that this will never happen.  That I do it every time.

And I suppose it's true.  I always think the next one is different than the one before.

But maybe that's what could give me pause in the future.

Maybe when something feels so good and so new, before signing up for something that I can't sustain, I can say to myself:

(in my best Mommy voice) 

"Now, now, Ashley.  I know you're very excited, but let's think about this for a minute.  Maybe there are some things you aren't considering due to your excitement?"

I just have a tendency to be all heart and no head.  I know that isn't a bad thing, I just need to gain some balance in this area of my life.

And just like so many things, it'd seem the lessons I'm learning along this path called life are mostly two steps forward, one step back (we come together 'cause opposites attract, ah you know..).  Ha!  It happened again...

But hey, at least the path will be well-worn, right?

The Small Things

Last night my husband and I got to go on a date. 

It feels like it has been forever since we've been able to spend any amount of time together, just us.

It's become a small issue that we don't feel quite as connected as we once did; that we feel more different and distant than ever.

So, we did some regular date stuff- we ate at a restaurant and went treasure hunting at the thrift store.

I knew we were off to a good start when, over our dinner, the conversation turned to life things, and the possible whys behind human behavior- our own behavior.

And then all the little things after that felt the most magical.

We took a night time stroll on the river walk in our town.

I felt myself begin to just soak up these moments. 

How mystical it felt to walk at night again; seeing the light shine on the water- donning it "Dazzling Waters (and feeling very Anne-like in doing so);

spotting all the spider webs I could find and "weeds" I could name;

leaning out over the peer to put my hand in the water that was churning from the turbines;

For some reason this made me feel daring and mysterious.

people-watching and musing, again, on human behavior with Mark.

Then came the ride home. 

The fog was showing itself in the headlights, and we let ourselves get lost on back roads.

I fully sank into the thrill of it.

As Depeche Mode's Precious played from his curated playlist, I thought, "If he really values this song, then maybe we're not so different these days after all."

I almost said it out loud, but decided to let it be my own secret revelation for the moment.

I just held that feeling.  I held it so tight.  Knowing that the only magic is ever in the moment.

I believe it is as the old Roald Dahl quote goes:

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

While I'm someone who believes in magic- the invisible kind- I don't always see it.

I suppose, on this night, though, my eyes-and my heart- did sparkle.

Rainy Day Possibilities

As I sit here with a stuffy head and runny nose on a rainy day with Harry Potter playing in the background, I realize that it totally slipped my mind to write at all last week!

Also, days like today feel totally perfect. 

There is something about the combination of a rainy day- already giving us permission to slow down- and the self-care needed when nursing a head cold, that is just too cozy not to find enjoyment in it.

Also, I have a sense of expansiveness as there are possibly new opportunities on the brink. 

I won't say too much, as nothing is yet set in stone.  What I will say is that an opportunity for me to test my resolve- to shush the fear of my critter brain and take a step toward the unknown, and toward trusting myself- has been presented.

No matter the outcome, I will at least have taken a step, outside of my comfort zone, on a path toward a goal.  And for me, that feels pretty big.

Well, I suppose I'm off to blow my nose and fix another cup of hot tea.

Until next time.....

In Flow

It's funny how a journey works.

You spend a lot of time hearing about others', fantasizing about telling your own tale, and don't even realize that it is already in the making.

I realized this today. 

See, I am, for the first time in my life, considering embarking on and investing in myself in a way I never have.

Through a series of sparks, I am now quite seriously considering training to become a Health Coach.

It's crossed my mind in the past, but I never gave much time to entertaining the thought.

I did, once upon a time, Google what it meant to be a Health Coach.

I found some articles that were stuff like "Health Coaching vs. Therapy," with arguments and agreements on each side as to which one was "best."

In this same search I found an extremely bland website that had some training courses starting at around $2000.

At that time-and many times with past interests- I saw that number and filed it away as just a whim.

I jumped on the "I can't afford that so I can't have that," boat and sailed off to some other interest.

But recently, through a string of inspirational interviews and website searches, I found an Institute that I think might be a good fit for me.

One of the indicators to me that this is a serious interest this time, is that the tuition is between $5000 and $7000 dollars, yet the first thing that came to mind was how to save/raise money toward this goal.

WHAT?!

That has literally never happened to me in this situation.

So I'm listening. 

I don't know how long it'll take me to get there.  I'm considering using any money I can make from selling my artwork to go toward that fund.

I've got an idea or two brewing in the back of my head, but I won't go into all those details here.

I've been cautious thus far in even mentioning this to anyone because of my habit of becoming very excited about an idea and not staying committed.

In fact, I'm even starting to view that habit in a different light.

Up until now I've seen it as a way to validate this deeply wired and troublesome story I tell myself- that I can't trust myself.

"Oh, that's just me.  Overexcited and under-motivated."

But now, knowing what I know- that you must engage interest to find your passion- I think, "Huh.  Maybe it's not that I'm a failure at commitment.  Maybe I'm just still searching."

I can at least say that I certainly like that story much better.

And it feels like, moving forward on this path, I would not just be moving in the direction of doing work that is fulfilling- though that I believe it would be.

It feels like taking the next step is actually honoring that I can trust myself.

Honoring that I actually know who I am, and what I'm good at.

I mean to say that I have begun to realize that I believe it is my truest self that wants to connect to others.  That wants to help others.

It is the one thing that comes to mind when the question is asked, "What comes as naturally to you as breathing?"

Humorously, my first answer to that is TALKING!  DUH!

But really, the why beneath the why- why do I love to talk?- is because talking with someone, sharing stories, is connecting.

So back to this idea of a journey.

I found myself thinking back to what got me here, in this place, where such a change could occur.

At first I thought, "It's art.  Art is where it started."  Because this current chapter of my story did start there.

With a book, actually.  The Artist's Way  (this is not an affiliate link, just fyi)

It was given to me by my dear friend, Amy.  In this book was instructions to make a list of 20 things you liked to do, regardless of how long it had been since you last did them.

On that list of 20 things, one that I chose to re-engage was collage.

This simple act brought me, several years later, to the place where I could sell my work; having yet a new experience I'd never had before- a feeling of confidence in and fulfillment from something I created.

And, also, furthering my journey toward self-trust.

But then I thought, "No, it goes back further than that, even."

And, again, a transformation was sparked by yet another book, given to me by yet another great friend.

So Alice gave me Personal Power Through Awareness.* (also not an affiliate link)

*Disclaimer: You do NOT have to believe in Orin (the spirit guide in the intro to this book) to get something out of this book.  I know I didn't.

It is actually what took me down this side path to becoming more aware of my truest self- something that I now believe we're all doing, whether consciously or not.

And that side path is what was able to lead me to the next side path, and now to this.

Putting it all together I nearly laughed as I saw this as my journey.

And smiling at the thought that I never knew one thing was going to lead to the next.

The thought of all of that what felt like dead space in between.  All the waiting it felt like I was doing.

I was transforming all the while!

And to add complexity to it all, I became a mother right in the middle of it all!  Haha!

So there it is. 

It may not be the very beginning, but when I look back to where things all started to change and take on new meaning, that's where it's at.

For anyone who may be interested in what institutes I'm considering, the one at the top of my oh-so-short list is this one.

If you have any insight, input, or advice, let me know!

Thanks for witnessing this journey with me, whoever you may be out there reading this!

Choose to Dance

Do you ever have those days when you just don't know what to do with yourself?

When it seems impossible to enjoy your "free time" because no matter what you do, you still just feel.....unsettled?

It happens to me more often than I care to admit.

And it only happens when I have free time.  Only when it's just me managing what to do with my own time.

And I find it kind of hard to explain.

It's like on the inside, I'm just free floating and grasping at nothing.

On the outside, I often wonder aimlessly through the house trying to find something "meaningful" to do.

It's like I'm a spinning top, and I just want to land somewhere and feel like I'm in control again.

It's a feeling of great struggle; of great conflict.

It feels like a battle is being waged inside my mind.

Even that doesn't seem like the proper explanation.

It's just so.....uncomfortable; I usually spend these days being really on edge and grumpy.

Like no matter what I do, I can't enjoy it.  No matter what I do, I feel useless.

So I found myself having one of these days this week, 

but something different happened.

Normally these days are spent in my head, trying to analyze this "problem" to death; trying to find a road map out of this internal misery.

The question asked is usually "Why do I feel like this?"

But on this particular day I asked a different question: "Why do I feel like I have to escape this?"

I realized that the real misery came from not just the discomfort, but the expectation that I should somehow whip this discomfort into shape!

I found myself questioning: "What if the whole reason I feel this way in the first place is to learn to dance with this feeling instead of always trying to fight it?"

I can't say that the day got all that much easier, but it did bear a different weight within me.

Suddenly the struggle had meaning.  When I approached it as if I had something to learn instead of something to be rid of, I was able to view it differently.

Then it didn't feel so miserable.  Still uncomfortable, yes, but not so miserable.

My hope is that the next time I'm faced with this same ol' internal conflict, instead of fighting, I, again, choose to dance.