Share Barfing

Share barfing.

Because that's what I'm about to do. To YOU!

I feel like I'm just bursting forth with so much I want to share!

(I feel like this is one of those posts I'm going to look back on and wonder if I had had too much coffee....so future me, no extra coffee was had this morning.  You were just feeling the zing of spring!)

I guess I haven't' been in the mood for sharing here lately.  Things have been shifting and transitioning.

So much has happened, it seems like!

You know, last year, when winter gave way to spring, I felt a mourning for it's loss.

I wasn't ready to let go of the quiet, calm, stillness of winter.

I wasn't ready to let go of the   s  l  o  w.

But this year it feels different.  Maybe it was that week and a half of gray days that made me feel ready for sunshine and growth.

Either way, it seems like I'm feeling myself shift with the season this year.

Last week I did so many new things!

I tried out a gym for the first time. 

I took Flora to Tigers for Tomorrow. 

We went to the newly opened park down town. 

I put on skates at the skating rink for the first time since I was a teenager.

I even prepped my food for the whole week on Sunday.

WHAAAAA?!  I NEVER DO THAT!

(*pats self on back*)

AND, I'm happy to report that with my meals being not only prepped, but healthy, I haven't had the insane craving for sugar that I normally have

on a daily basis.

Like I'm pretty sure I have an addiction to sugar sometimes.

But I haven't had that this week. 


::B O R I N G  A L E R T::


I prepped egg muffins for my breakfast, zucchini muffins for my early snack (made with almond and oat flour instead of wheat or refined flour- things I consider luxuries and normally don't splurge on), salads full of raw vegetables and fruit and nuts for my lunch, and quinoa with veggies for my evening snack- that I seasoned with cumin and garlic powder because I knew that shit was gonna be bland.

It took me half of my Sunday, but it actually felt good  to do it.

I've been exercising more....buuuuuut meditating less. 

In fact, today is the first day in over a week I've sat down to meditate for a full 10 minutes.... and almost all I could think about was getting on here and typing up all of these things-haha!

So, yeah, I think my energy is shifting with the seasons.

I'm all buoyed up on that spring vibration, ya heard!

I even took a yard walk today and felt ready to cut and dry some herbs again!

Oh!  And taking it back a little, the second Monday in March was my first ever Curiosity Club meeting!

Man, did I learn some stuff about myself there.

So far, I've only taught a garden class to kids at the library.

This was meant to be a discussion group for adults around topics of our humanity.

I was a littler nervous about taking the lead and wanted it to be an organically formed discussion......but when it was all said and done I was really unhappy with how it went.

I don't think anyone else was, so there's that.

But it made me realize that I had expectations that I didn't know I had when they weren't met.

All in all, I think it was awesome because it let me know what did and didn't feel right, and I was able to be more up front with myself about what I want it to be.  So next week we're going to do it a little different.

And Emotional Intelligence is my new hyper-interest.

I just feel like it is at the base of so much of what interests me, so I've set out to learn as much as I can because I'm pretty sure it's what I want to advocate for in this life.

And, well, ya know, to help me out, too.

It's funny, because without knowing what to call it, it's kind of what I've been writing about on here for a while now.

Oh, another new thing- I subscribed to Seth Godin's blog. 

I love it!  It's short little wisdom snippets daily.  I normally don't like anything to show up in my email that regularly, but they really are short and sweet and to the point.

I've also been listening to a lot of Tom Bilyeu's relationship theory.

Well, I'll weirdly conclude with that.  I'm about to go get Flora from school, then it's off to herb snippin'.

You guys been up to anything new?  You know I love a conversation 💛.

When Curiosity Leads to Self Love and Appreciation

The story that we always lose is an easy one to believe.

But believing that we can always still win is so much more fun, isn't' it?!

Losses and wins are always going to play out in our lives.

Neither should be ignored.

But I think we get to decide whether or not we get to come back around to a triumph or not.

All of these thoughts have been sparked by the mere fact that my dad is staying with me.

Having him around has caused me to need to process his effect on me.

He has been the hero who rescued me from a much worse fate, and yet...there is still a discomfort that comes from his presence.

....At first glance....

He has always seemed to have clouds of self doubt and victimization hanging over him, and those clouds seem to have their own gravity.

He seems to view the world through the lens that it's all brutal and unfair, and that's just how it is.

I see it in how he tells stories and in what he's willing to believe- both about himself and the world around him.

I see it in what he pays attention to and which stories he likes.

I see it in the sorrow he feels for so many others.

And all of these thoughts have surfaced because it just hit me today that I'm living in what seems like a space of unhappiness and avoidance when I'm at home right now. 

So I ask myself why I might be uncomfortable, and realize it's root lies in my dad being here.

His presence and energy.

And, more so, in the way I'm so sensitive in my response to the energy of others.

He's done nothing wrong or hurtful.  He hasn't been difficult to get along with or hard to please.  He hasn't been ungrateful- the opposite actually.

But I think his presence causes me to have to face the energy of not belonging.

It makes me realize I grew up surrounded by, and thus embodying, that energy.

And it shows me how sensitive I am to it.

Because I could/can feel it even when people are showing me great acts of kindness and love.

But what of it?  Now I'm even more curious.

I mean, I'm never going to feel I belong 100% of the time.  Who does?

Is it so important to me- the feeling of belonging- because I missed out on it for so long?  

And is it so bad that I'm driven to find it?

I suppose it's like anything else.

It has its own light and its own shadow.

And it has the ability to be buried in delusion.

So awareness is the first step, right?

And that makes me think: 

Maybe that's why I'm so addicted to the act of self-awareness.

Because maybe it's my purpose to rid myself of delusion here in this lifetime.

And, if it's so important to me, can I help finding it a matter of serious importance for all of us?

If I had grown up in a family where I felt seen and heard and supported as my truest self- if I'd felt that sense of belonging- what different presets would I then have?

Would this even be important to me?

♥  And then my thoughts start to change  ♥

Thank goodness for my sensitivities.

Without them, I'm not sure I'd been able to even begin wading out of the bullshit.

And thank goodness for my curious spirit, or else I would remain stagnant in that swamp of delusion.

And a big ol' "Hallelujah!" (Hell, why not?!) for the quiet and stillness of meditation.

Because if I had never begun to slow down, all the sensitivity and curiosity in the world could never save me from it.

So I suppose I could conclude with a "Thank you."

A thank you to the people in my life, who, without realizing it

-who, while doing the best they could to follow their hearts while still living in the delusion of their own self-sabotaging stories-

brought me through this space of not belonging.

The pain of which, without it, I would probably never have such clarity on its importance.

Sure, maybe I'd have less hang ups.

Maybe I'd even have been more successful by this point if it had been otherwise.

But that was not my intended purpose here on this planet, in this lifetime, in this body.

My sensitivity is a gift.  If people can't see it

- if I don't have a sense of belonging with ever person I come in contact with- 

that's ok.

You don't have to be "my people" for me to see my worth. 

Or yours.

It may create more discomfort than I'd like, and it may require more work than we can do in that single moment, 

but it does not take away from either of our roles in this life.

It only begs us to be more curious.

What I Believe

My belief is that we all have a purpose.

And, that, deep down, we want to live a life of purpose.

I believe it is easy to believe the lie that to have purpose we must perform epic acts.

In fact, I believed that lie for a long time.  I now believe living our purpose is just simply living our truth in each moment as it comes.

I also believe that for most of us it takes a lot of bravery and courage to show up to our purpose- our truth;

To speak it and to live it.

Not to mention, I'm pretty sure it can often take a lot of work to remove all the layers of BS that obscure just what it is.

At least, it has been that way for me.

And, I believe, just what it is has always been a part of us.

I believe finding it requires that we quiet all the fear voices running through our head

-all the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" and "what will they thinks."

I believe to quiet it we must find time to sit in stillness with ourselves.

We need time to process all of those thoughts and feelings; to sort them out and examine them.

It's so much easier to hide under the layers of BS and distraction.

But we need time and stillness to let that quieter voice

-the one that's way down deep in the core of our truest selves-

rise to the surface.

That's the real work.  That, and accepting ourselves within each layer as we peel it back and discover what's hiding underneath.

And then it's the acceptance that facilitates the allowing of that quiet voice to not just step forward, but for us to give it value.

And as we give it value, it is the bravery and courage that has to kick in for us to not just listen to it, but to follow it as well.

It is my truest desire that we will all come to know our purpose, and that we will live so in purpose that we will have more joy than misery in our lives.

That isn't to say we should deny that misery, because life will always have painful moments.

I just happen to think that the more we live according to our truth- our purpose- the less that misery can keep us down.

I believe that there is purpose to be found in pain.  I believe that finding purpose in pain can reveal our super powers.

I believe the more we accept that everything has its place, the more we can live a life less clouded by resistance and shame.

And I believe the less resistance and shame, the more layers we can peel back. 

And that under each new layer, we will find more and more truth, more and more purpose, and thus more and more joy.

And I believe the number one key to all of this is to always be curious;

And to always be willing to learn and expand.

Of Resolutions and Such....

I've never been one for resolutions, but as we've entered into the new year I have definitely looked back at what I've enjoyed and what I've learned over the last.

I've thought about what I want to release and what I want to let in.

In this coming year I want to release the pattern in me that says I have to "fix things."

There is some part of me that thinks the whole world is going to end if I can't make people happy.

Just like anything, this can be a blessing and a curse.

The problem is when I lose who I am in the mix- when I become so riddled with anxiety and shame that I say (or don't say) or do (or don't do) things that are not in alignment with who it is I really am.

Wanting to fix things, some would say, can often come from not wanting to feel the discomfort of those things ourselves.

So I'm starting there.

I want to carry with me the following questions into daily life, so I can sooner identify when I'm in this pattern, and sooner step out of it:

𐩑⚬✩⚬𐩑

↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝

Question #1:
Am I trying to fix this?

Question #2:
If yes, what am I trying to fix?

Question #3:
Why am I trying to fix it?

Question #4:
What will I gain from "fixing it"?

(and finally)

Question #5:
What could I gain from letting it go and NOT fixing it?

↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝↜↝

⚬𐩑✩𐩑⚬

As for what I want to allow in- it's spending more time with the people who make me feel supported;

Those who make me feel like I /B E L O N G/,

NOT like I have to fit in.

I have come to realize in these last few years-increasingly so- how V E R Y important it is to surround yourself with people who support you as you already are;

And who see your value even when

-ESPECIALLY when-

👁

 you can't see it yourself. 

I am going to make more dates with these kinds of friends

-and with my dang husband for that matter-haha!

Some days I would rather huddle alone at home and recuperate my energy- and I respect that about myself;

but I'm going to try to start reaching out more.

And maybe just as importantly-

🌟

I want to let in people who not only want to see me shine my light,

🌟 🕯 🌟

but who also want to shine theirs. 

🌟

Because offering that support back is just as important to me.

So I am starting there, too.

A Date with Playfulness

So, when I sit to meditate, I like to burn Sage.

Regular ol' culinary Sage.

And sometimes I think about that.

I think about what is normally perceived about a person who does things like that.

And I think about where I stand on the other end of that perception.

I honestly don't do it to clear spirits or energy- though I do like the idea of the latter, and try to treat it as somewhat of a ritual of entering into stillness when I meditate.

So one day as I was burning my Sage- watching it dance and swirl around my hands and in the light coming through the windows- I thought, "Why do I do it?"

And in response, I also think:

Well, I enjoy the smell for one thing.  But I also like to just play in the smoke.

I like to see how it whirls and twirls in the light; the way it blooms up around and through my fingers and toes.

I like the heat of it on my wrist and feet.

In this moment, I'm actually thinking these things as I'm doing them, and then this really neat thing happens.

I start to realize that I have this involuntary smile that feels like it is literally lighting up my face.

And then, I realize that these thoughts have brought this energy into my body that is so buoyant, and it's just rising up and beaming right out of me!

And I start thinking about this feeling and identify it as a feeling of playfulness.

As I recognize it as playfulness, the energy just beams that much more out of me- I mean this smile felt so big;

and strong.

Robust.  Yeah.  I think that's the word for it!

And as I realize that this sense of playfulness can elevate my energy this much, I start wondering,

"Where all does this feeling show up for me in my life?"

Because it feels damn good!

And because I start to think that maybe if we can identify where it shows up for us, we can begin to understand what brings us joy;

and we can follow that joy;

and we can lead more fulfilled lives.

Or, at the very least, we can begin to use playfulness as a tool to dispel the gloomies- to lift us up out of those dark places.

So for me, this feeling often shows up in the stillness- when my thoughts and imagination can have a spotlight to play in.

Or just when I get a good idea and suddenly have this stream of thoughts of how to accomplish that idea (I usually have to write it all down).

I feel it with certain music.

I feel it when I dance.

I feel it when I sing (alone in the car, of course).

I can feel it when I'm creating something.

And then I consider the places it doesn't always show up.

And I start to think on what it feels like to feel free.

Free, that is, from the confines of expectations, anxiety, and fear.

In the stillness, in the music, in the moments where I'm creating- I'm able to step away from those things.

And I realize- when you're holding the hands of fear and anxiety, you can't hold hands with playfulness.

I think it just may be impossible.

But, if you find yourself in that place where you can't let go...

Maybe, just maybe, if you know where to find playfulness- and you make a date with it- maybe you can find your way back into the light of joy and freedom.

Welcoming Belief Without Delusion: A String of Thoughts

It began with a Christmas book I was reading to Flora: The Littlest Christmas Tree: A Tale of Growing and Becoming by Janie Jasin.

In the book, this tiny tree is dreaming of what she will become as she grows, and along the way she learns to revel in the beauty of each moment.

It ends with this beautiful paragraph:

“Thank you, Dear Creator, for Life.

Thank you for Dreams. 

Thank you for Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings. 

Most of all, thank you for choosing me to grow - just for today - 

and to know the Wonder of Your World 

and its many Possibilities.” 

As I thought about how this book touched my heart, I also thought about this idea of a "Creator."

I began thinking that we, as humans, have minds geared toward creating: 

creating stories, 

creating tools, 

creating inventions, 

creating cultures,

creating communities,

creating movements,

creating life,

etc...

In this respect, it seems only natural that we would also think of ourselves as creations.

And, thus, that we have a creator.

And considering I find myself thinking that labeling what I consider consciousness as a human-like deity a bit limiting, I considered how it had still moved my spirit.

Which took me to the thought loop of whether or not being created caused us to have creation-based thoughts and actions, or if it's the other way around.

Inside out, or outside in?

Though I think the answer matters little, I still ponder over it as this wonder of humanity that we can even ask such questions.

And as a wonder, I can see no beginning or end- or at least where it would lie.

Which gives rise to this idea of eternity and a never ending circle. 

And the wonder of these thoughts having no need of a human-like deity* for them to be expansive to my spirit.

(*I feel like I should make note that I have no judgement or shame for anyone who does feel more comfortable with a deity.)

Something inside me "pings" at just being aware of it.

Then, days later, my lovely friend and photographer, Jill England, shared a quote with me from this Instagram account that put it in a whole new perspective for me.  A small piece of it goes like this:

⍣★⍣     

"Enlightenment is not limited to any religion or education. 

      It is a very real experience... 

      The process begins with broadening the context of the 'I am.'  

      Where 'I am' no longer implies just this body with its borders being the flesh.  

      Instead this 'I am'  is the entire living world..."

⍣★⍣

And I realized that, anything that broadens our spirits and our mindful awareness; that expands our sense of love and connection to all things- 

I'M SO FOR IT! ✊

And it seems to make it to where I'm able to embrace this idea of belief in a "Creator."

Even if it isn't my way of seeing or labeling it.

Because I really have come to think that belief is just inherent to who we are as a species.

So it seems like a waste to be completely resistant to it.  I mean, to believe there is nothing to believe in is still a belief, right?

But, then, I can also see where a line could be drawn; I can see why someone might become resistant to this idea of belief.

Because all too often belief comes with delusion.

An unwillingness to be honest with ourselves and to really search within.

Too often belief is intellectualized without being internalized into our spirit.

When a person holds tight to a belief without any sense of inner worthiness, it has potential to become delusional.

Belief without a sense of  your own inner knowing can come to mean that you hold tight to what you're taught because it's what you've been taught- not necessarily because it's the best path for your soul.

On the extreme end, ungrounded belief can lead to heinous acts.

On the lighter end, it can cause people to think they need to throw their beliefs in the "non-believer's" face at every turn.

Which is no surprise if everyone else is taught at a young age- as I was when I was in church- that

 "each time you miss a chance to witness, it is potential blood on your hands."

I think about that now like ::whoa::.

Because, as a kid who was very ungrounded in my own sense of self-worth, I took that to heart!

And I'm pretty sure I was pretty annoying-haha!

But I digress.....

Christianity was the earliest stepping stone on my path to spiritual growth, but I had to step away from it to see it's real purpose in my life.

And because I can now see that undercurrent of wanting to be loved and to be worthy- and to spread that love and worthiness to others- in nearly all forms of belief,

I can now embrace it; embrace belief- play with it, take from it what I need and leave what I don't-without delusion.

And now that I know what feels right for my soul's path- and what doesn't- I can embrace it in others as well.

˃˃💛˂˂

Curious and Creative

Two things have been at the forefront of my thoughts lately:

→creativity & curiosity←

And I feel like they go hand in hand.

I've been thinking about how important it is to stay curious in all sorts of scenarios.

For one thing, I imagine life- with this consciousness we carry- would be really boring and miserable without some form of curiosity.

Curiosity is like the action of the wrist twisting the doorknob to lead you outside of a dark room.

If you follow it, you need never be stuck for long.

And after hearing the illustrious  Brené Brown say so, I knew it was true- that curiosity is one of the most effective tools you can have as a leader.

Being curious

- instead of reactive and defensive- 

allows for this safety,  

that we don't always have, 

within a potentially uncomfortable conversation.

That sense of safety then has this potential to lead to clearer communication, greater kindness, and more effective problem-solving.

And that's just with two scenarios, my friends 😉.

Then there's creativity. 

To be creative, you have to have imagination; 

and you have to be curious.

You have to be able- and willing- to think up, or consider, something that doesn't already exist.

And it allows you to give possibility to what may seem impossible.

And the expansiveness it creates within us is, I dare say, down right therapeutic!

As humans, this has got to be- 

really and truly-

one of our innate super powers.

Look at all the stuff we've created that didn't exist before!

In childhood, our imagination is a part of us that we barely have to think about.

But as we grow to have more and more responsibilities, 

and especially as we have to start "adulting,"

it is my belief that this creativity- this imagination- can get drowned in all the "have-tos" and "should-dos" we are met with.

It is easy to begin to believe that the imagination we once had, needs to be left behind- 

or at least put on the back burner 'til all the "important stuff" is done.

In fact, this is a belief I unknowingly held onto into my 30s.

Only in the recent years have I come to value the importance of letting my imagination and creativity flow.

And in doing so, I can't help but think that, as adults, we are not only still allowed to prioritize our creativity and imagination;

but that it is also imperative.

Without creativity and imagination, we live a half-life; 

we live in a sort of dragged out misery.

And don't trick yourself into thinking that these parts of us only apply to the artist or the writer or the dancer or the crafty person.

They show up in everything if we allow them:

problem-solving, gardening, business planning, marketing, conversation, meditation, driving, goal setting, cooking, exercising, etc., etc....

Creativity and imagination are an innate part of us, 

and I really do think we can stand to benefit from valuing them 

and prioritizing them 

more than we do.

If you think you'd like to try, but you don't know where to start, let me give you a tip that worked for me.

Make a list of 20 things you like to do.

It doesn't matter how long it has been since you've done these things.

Pick at least one thing from that list and dedicate a set time to do it.

What you are doing is scheduling a date with yourself to let your inner child out to play.

Here, you are satisfying both your logical inner adult- by scheduling it- and your creative imagination- by letting it play.

And, if you're like me, the results may just change your life.

💛

Life-Long Sorrow

I could come up with a million and one reasons why I haven't sat at this keyboard for almost a month.

But as I contemplate them, one thing comes to mind:

I haven't felt like being seen or heard.

Shortly after my last post, my mom and dad went into ICUs at different hospitals at the same time.

It has sucked out my energy, my creativity, and my engagement quota.

I have wanted to hide and avoid any and everything possible.

I have felt overwhelmed and sinking.

I've still had work and a five-year-old and a household.

I haven't felt relaxed, well-rested, or excited in weeks.

And even though the worst was mostly over after the first week or so, the ripple effect is still jarring me.

Things I had prioritized before this shift still feel undone- weighing and waiting on me.

I'm in mourning, seemingly, for a routine and energy that seem to have slipped through my fingers.

My dad had a stroke in the back of his brain.  He actually has come out of it pretty darn well, considering, but it is going to mean more time and involvement in his life for me.

My mom had irregular heart rhythms, verging on v-tach.  That has been resolved and her heart is better than before, but now her mental health is back to being very unstable.

My mom has had just about every "negative" diagnosis under the sun: schizophrenia, bi-polar, manic depressive, anxiety disorder, depression, and now, in her later years, dementia.

She's had such a long run of being stable this time, though, that it seems to have spoiled me.

Dealing with this is always hard for me.  It's often hard to tell how much of her behavior is her illness and how much is her personality.

And the negativity of it tugs on me and pulls me under with it if I'm not prepared.

See, I have no comforting memories of my mother.

My whole life, the feelings that have surrounded my relationship to her have been things like:

Guilt
Pity
Shame
Anger
Helplessness
Sadness
Crazy

What little bit of stability there has ever been has always been short-lived.  And even in those times, she wasn't living with me or raising me.

Often, when I'm anxious, I will play scenarios that have either gone "wrong" or have potential to go "wrong" over and over in my head.

And it seems to happen automatically.

I'll envision the scenario with me explaining all the things that I might have said to make it go better, or how I'd like to say them should this worst-case confrontation play out.

It's as if some part of me thinks that if I can get it right in my head, all will not be lost.

That I'll have some kind of control over it.

So on my way to work one morning, having one of those anxious conversations in my head,

I stopped and thought:

"I'm doing it again.  Why am I always so anxious about upsetting people, anyway?"

And while it isn't necessarily abnormal to be anxious about upsetting someone, it can sometimes totally change my behavior and disrupt my mental health.

Then a thought came to me that I have never, ever thought before:

"You're afraid that if you upset someone, you'll never be forgiven for it.  You're afraid it's the end."

Ok.  I get that.  But why?

And then I realized, thinking back to my childhood,

to memories of the people in my life- and most specifically, my mom-

that because of her outbursts, and irrational anger, and the way it was projected onto me,

I had been in tons of scenarios where I felt I had upset her.

And not one of those scenarios ever had a resolution.

No talking about it afterwords.  No apology or explanation.

Nothing.

Looking back, I can now see these scenarios had nothing to do with me whatsoever.

But I internalized that I was to be guilty and blamed for many things not even regarding me, and that I was not to be forgiven for them.

I internalized it as emotional trauma.

I've never looked at her and thought "You've never forgiven me."

But when these things popped into my head, it made sense.

It explains that crippling anxiety of upsetting people.

It explains why, when I'm depleted and upset, I go straight to guilt.

It explains why I find reasons in my head for people not to like me, and then worry over the reality of it.

It explains why I have a hard time with self-trust.

🔼
⥈
🔽

But it also explains why I'm so empathetic.

Why I root for the underdog.

Why I crave connection and communication.

Why I want to see the best in people.

Why I believe, when someone is showing their worst self, that underneath all of that is pain and not evil.

It's why I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

It's why I want to deconstruct a person's worst behaviors to see the scenarios that led them to this state instead of condemning them for it.

And it's why I want to be part of the solution by offering understanding and love and permission to others.

🔼
⥈
🔽

So, while these traumas sometimes feel like my life-long sorrows

it isn't lost on me that they can also be my superpower.

⇝◑⇜

Mindful Leadership- aka: My Passionate Love Letter to the World

>>💛<<

After listening to a recent podcast interview with Brené Brown and Marie Forleo, my wheels really got to turning on how important I think it is for there to be more mindful leaders in this world.

I also realized that to be a leader, you don't have to own a business or have employees.

If you're a parent, you're a leader.

If you're a teacher, you're a leader.

If there is anyone who looks up to you, listens to you, counts on you; you're a leader.

And as a leader, I think it is important now more than ever to be mindful.

And to be mindful

-and let's be honest, more efficient-

I believe you have to understand a few important things and how they can affect not only you, but those around you.

The things that I currently think are the most important are:

shame, vulnerability, empathy, curiosity, and judgement.

Or, at least, these are the topics that have drawn my extreme interest most recently.

Speaking to those leaders out there who are self-identified as such, I believe if you want to level up your leadership in this world, these things are so very ideal to know more about.

And if we hold on to curiosity- the willingness to learn- then I think we will be more able to effectively problem solve.

And problem solving is a part of our daily life- whether we see ourselves as leaders or not.

But the only way to effectively problem solve, is to effectively communicate, right?

And to effectively communicate, I believe,  you have to understand shame.

I think shame lies at the base of all the other things I've listed as important.  Once you understand shame, you can build on that knowledge to understand all of the rest.

I think when you understand shame, you can then, also, understand more clearly not only your own motives and actions, but also the motives and actions of those around you.

And with this clarity, I believe we can more easily put aside our triggers, to then effectively communicate our needs, and more clearly hear the needs of others- even if they are still acting out of shame.

I loved the idea of asking the people you trust most to speak to you- to give you language and verbal affirmation- as to what your value is to them.

And I really loved how, in the interview, Brené talks about how important it is to know our core values, as well.

And even more, I loved the exercise she mentions where you get together with others around you

-whether it's people you work with or live with or whoever you might be sharing a lot of your time with-

and list two of your highest core values.

That is so lovely!

Can you >>>imagine<<< how much more effectively we could all communicate with each other if we not only knew what our own core values were, but also the core values of the people around us as well?!

That just feels like such a game changer!

And it almost sounds super easy, but then I consider that I haven't always known what my core values are.

And, honestly, I'm only guessing at them now.

I am pretty sure that if I had to list two things that would be at the top of my list for core values, they would have to be things that I prioritize without even thinking about them because they are so a part of who I am and how I operate.

With that in mind, I feel that the top two are:

(1) Connection

and

(2) Learning

When I consider that shame's definition is basically the fear of being disconnected, it doesn't seem so strange for me to feel its importance.

Because, see, I really truly do believe that connection is one of thee most important things in the world.

When you connect with someone, you aren't just listening to them or talking at them.

You are sharing with them.

You are set within a moment where there is no shame, no fear, no who's-better-than.

It is quite possibly the most equal you will ever really feel- and thus be- with another human being.

And in that moment communication can be its clearest.

And those moments can be found anywhere from your home to waiting in the line at the grocery store.

Connection is most powerful to me because it is expansive.

And I've come to find that I crave expansion and growth.

Because just as the universe itself continues to expand, I think it's possible that it is meant to be a part of who we are as well.

So it also makes sense that my second core value is what I believe to be learning.

Learning is growing.  Growing in awareness.  Growing in efficiency at problem solving.

Why would you want to keep butting your head against a wall, when a small piece of information could lead you to the doorknob and out the door to where you're actually trying to go?

It's just so much more efficient to learn and grow.

Which leads me back to shame.

It is my belief that shame leads to the most ultimate miscommunications.

And we all know miscommunication is not efficient.

So maybe try it.

Maybe think about and write down what you think your two core values are.

Think about them.

If it feels right, share them with someone important to you.

If it feels right, ask them to think about and share theirs with you.

Whatever it is we do, I can't help but think that if we all take little steps toward this kind of connection and clarity of communication, that we will be more capable at efficient problem solving

together.

>>💛<<

Belief in Ghosts

'Tis the Spookyween season, so naturally I've found myself in conversations about ghosts.

Let's play with this idea.  Of ghosts.

Why not believe in ghosts?

Invisible things affect our physical bodies all the time.

Some cultures even believe that a ghost is anything that haunts you.

🦇👻🦇

Like a memory, 

or a mistake, 

or a decision,

or a regret, 

or a habit, 

or a relationship,

or an illness

or an allergy

or a thought 

etc.

🦇👻🦇

Belief in ghosts is this kind of wavy line for me.

I've never had a ghost experience in the traditional sense, myself; but I know some people who have

-or at least believe they have.

And there are other friends who have witnessed some weird-ass unexplainable things.

There have been a few times in my life, however, that this great fear came over me for seemingly no reason. 

This feeling like something was going to suddenly appear and hurt me.

Once was when I had arrived home a few minutes ahead of Mark.

Flora was with me, so we set out while he finished up at his mom's house.

I pulled up; it was dark both inside and outside the house.

I suddenly felt so panicked that I almost pulled out and went back up the road to my mother-in-law's house.

Then I thought that seemed kinda crazy.    (psh)

So I thought about calling him.   That seemed crazy, too.   (psh)

So I did this totally not crazy thing: 

I turned off the car, ran to the other side as fast as I could to unbuckle Flora, ran to the door (which is maybe ten feet away from my car door) as fast as I could, and, all frantic-like, unlocked the door as fast as I could, shut it, and locked it.

That wasn't the end.

Then I had to bravely burst into each room and turn on the lights while frantically searching all hiding spots.

I'm sure I looked like a mad woman (poor Flora).

But it felt like my life was in serious danger!

After all the lights were on inside and outside the house, I calmed down a bit.

The other time- it was also dark- I was walking up the stairs to my father-in-law's empty apartment.

No lights were on inside and I thought I heard a sound like something had plucked the bow hanging on the wall.

My mind went into belief overdrive, I suppose, because, again, I had that feeling like something was going to jump out and git me!

So I grabbed whatever it was I needed and ran back down the stairs barely holding in one of those frightened giggle-shrieks.

I think it is extremely possible-

especially considering that all things are made up of energy/movement/sound-

that what we experience as a "ghost" could be our human brains trying to make sense of something energetic.

I could see that maybe what we experience, we actually shape ourselves with what is already known to us.

Most apparitions are human in origin.  They usually have movement or sound associations as well.

Who's to say that, maybe even, we don't create them ourselves?

I think it is, again, extremely possible, that we may conjure something with our very thoughts/emotions/energy that we don't yet comprehend fully.

I've even considered that maybe those who have seen ghosts in the traditional sense may very well be seeing human entities- but that still they aren't exactly that.

Maybe they are memories attached to a residual energy?

And I don't even mean memories that belong to the person having the experience.

I mean, we now know that memories are stored in our bodies- not just our brain.

So who's to say what is and isn't possible?

Whatever ghosts are, I have found myself thinking that the neat little categorized boxes we put them in may not actually do them justice.

Anyway, if you're reading this and have had your own experiences, I'd enjoy hearing about them. 

:👻*Spooky Disclaimer*👻: 

 I am in no way trying to take away from anyone the experiences they've had.  I am just someone who has not had these experiences myself, playing with expanding the idea of all the things they could be.

Thanks for 🦇 spooking 🦇 by!

Old Words, New Questions

The Morning Glory does not shame the Moonflower 
for blooming in the evening.
                                   ~Me (I think)*

*Today's mood: poetic


I don't think self-love and self-acceptance are quite the destinations we make them out to be.

I think that they are things we come to, lose, and need to be reminded of again and again.

And the messages are carried to us in so many ways: 

🔼

in the lyrics of songs

in sayings

in the scenes of a show

in still moments

in flowers

in the clouds in the sky

in a moment

in a memory of a moment

in a smile

in a sparkle

in a laugh that makes you cry

in a story

in a word alone

...etc...

🔽

This week a word has come to my attention in a whole new light: karma.

In the world I live in, it is usually used like this: "Karma's a bitch."

How often do we hear someone say that in a moment of pain?

Uttered almost as a curse.  As a threat.  A protection, perhaps?

And, yet, if karma is meant to be the act of summoning to ourselves the occurrences, and the people, that teach us our hardest lessons to learn-

the ones we learn through pain and struggle-

the ones we often turn away from again and again-

the ones that offer the most potential for growth-

is it an irony that, as it's being uttered, the karma existing within the actuality of the moment isn't being seen?

And what of dharma?

If it is what allows for celebration- of life, of love, etc- would it be beneficial for it to be constant?

Or could it, like physical celebration, burn us out if not given a rest?

And in this way, do these things not come again and again?  Neither of them being constant?

And in this way, does it not allow for those reminders to be many and needed?

And in this way, does the ebb and flow of pain and joy not seem perfect?

Rinse, Rinse, Repeat

"What time are we upon and where do I belong?"

                                        ~Witch Baby by Francesca Lia Block

↠↠↠𑁌🔼𐩓↞↞↞

As my month off comes to a close I find myself reflecting on the lessons it has brought me; what it has taught me about myself.

Each year, as I'm left to regulate my own routine, I learn something new about myself; about how I operate within the confines of my own scheduling.

I usually flounder a bit before finding my footing, then I lean into the reset.

One thing I notice is that the transitions are always where I find the most resistance.

Letting go of what is established- whether it's the work routine or my own- is always hard.

Last year the floundering lasted most of the month, with me finally adopting a pretty kick-ass-take-my-mornings-back routine right before returning to work.

It took me straight through fall and winter with an ease I have never been able to create without desperation necessity as a driving force.

This year the floundering didn't last more than a week as Flora started preschool shortly after my layoff began.

This left me with this wonderful, freeing, three hour window to start fresh each day.

You give me a whole month to plan and I'll run screaming; but now a three hour window?

That I can work with!

Just as it was with last year's established routine (though they came at different times for different reasons), I seem to go through a mourning of its loss.

Sometimes it can be the loss of something only shortly established.

For instance....

Despite the fact that I'm coming back from a three day beach vacation, I find myself looking at this day after as a recovery.

The shifts seem to disable my footing, and the only thing I can seemingly do to recover it is to rest and reset.  

Which leaves me in the space of reflection.

Reflection is a place where I find comfort in the chaos.  A place where I can take time and make sense of what has passed and where I'm at in all of it.

And I see that I've been finding myself in bits and pieces, here and there.

And that each time I a find a piece of me, I also find "not me," too.

I find my fear in the same place I find my inspiration.  

I find my resistance in the same spaces where I lean in.

I ponder what it says; what it doesn't say; how it feels when the honeymoon phase of discovery is over.

I see what I find myself tossing aside; what I find myself holding onto.

Where there is resistance, I recognize and try to  release.

And there is a sense of comfort in the as-isness of it all.

Even in the resistance. Because it is its own lesson.

Rewind.  Reflect.  Resist.  Reset.  Release.  Recover.

Rinse.  Rinse.  Repeat. 

Fibonacci, Baby!

When I consider what I really enjoy and want out of life, I realize that each thing has a duality.

For instance, I enjoy connecting with people- it really lights me up!  And I also need time alone to recuperate.

Or like with creative endeavors- the feeling of self-discovery that comes with creating is almost addictive at times;

but still, I need some concrete, almost mundane, tasks to ground me as well. 

And any of these- connection, time alone, creating, mundane work, etc.- if binged, can leave me reeling.

And I realize it's perfect that way.

In this moment I realize I love this part of myself.

I love it for keeping me in check regardless of any limiting beliefs I've held in the arena of "all or nothing; 1 or 10."

And I realize that even in belief there is a duality.

I realize we can be where we are without it having to be "right;"  without having to prove that

we.are.right.

Beliefs change and are molded just as we change and are molded.

And again I realize this is perfect.

Because just as the universe is constantly expanding- spiraling outward- I believe that these invisible things- like beliefs- are also meant to expand.

While some things in this physical world benefit from limitation, that which is invisible, I think, benefits from this constant expanding.

The
 
      M I C R O
 
                 following

                                the
                 
                                       M A C R O.

⥀ ⬩Fibonacci, baby⬩ ⥁

Reversion Aversion

So I get a text from my little sister asking if I want to buy cookie dough from my nephew for his fundraiser at school.

Pretty harmless, right?

After responding, I immediately pull up Facebook.

"Why did I come here?" I wonder.  Followed by the question, "Am I really numbing right now?"

Because it wasn't a thought that crossed my mind: "I need to numb now."

In fact, no discernible feeling or thought was connected to me opening Facebook.

I read a text.  I responded.  I was on Facebook.  For no real reason.

Which lead me onto thinking other thoughts.

Like, "How does it feel to talk with my sister?"  And better yet, "How does it feel when I engage with my family?"

And I realize it is a mixture.  A mixture of both comfort and anxiety.

So I explore that further.  "Why would I feel that way?"

I realize that these are the people who have seen me at my absolute worst and lived to tell the tale-haha!

And because I've never lost them over any of that trivial bs, I feel an ease of comfort when talking to them because I have no preconceived ideas of judgement.

But then the anxiety.

I believe when I engage with the family I grew up with it has a tendency to take me back to a different time.

A different me.

What I will refer to as "Trailer Park Ashley."

See, Trailer Park Ashley lives in what seems to be a very small world.

Trailer Park Ashley expects everything to be easy, and spends all of her time happily oblivious; alone in her room with her nose in a book.

Trailer Park Ashley has no goals and no stories of success to look up to.

It's a sense of comfort commingled with a sense of loss.

Loss of self.  Of current self.

And none of this is to say that I suddenly start living my life a different way.

And none of this is to say that it's in our best interest to bury the person we once were at the cost of who we want to become.

(Though I dare say it denotes the fact that I am quite afraid to dig her up and let her live)

It's to say that the potential for my energy to shift back to this space creates a resistance in me.

It's to say that, when I feel these things, I immediately want to avoid those feelings and numb out instead.

And it's sneaky, the way these shadows creep in- the shadows of fear and avoidance.

Remember?  There was no thought process or feeling that said "Leave now.  Enter a happier place.  Distract."

It just happened.

It shows me just how terrified I am of being that trailer park girl again.

Of being the person who never has a fulfilling life because it is easier to get lost numbing out.

And then that leads me to ask myself, "How can I stop fearing that version of me?  How can I show it love instead?"

And that's hard.

Because I'm not entirely sure how much of that self should be loved and embraced.

Luckily, the ↣*ding!*↢  light bulb clicks.  I find the love!  I feel the love.

And yet again, I realize, it's about balance.

That part of me can be unhealthy if it reigns supreme.

BUT, the part of me in there....

                               the part that can be loved....
                                               
                                                  is my ability to sink into enjoyment!

I have the ability to completely bask in a feeling- to enjoy it completely.

But the back hand of that is that I also have the ability to completely wallow in a feeling- to get stuck in a place of misery.

This seems to be the most common theme in my life right now.

Being shown fear, and then realizing that balance is key.

Things are never all shadow nor all light.

And the fact that I have categorized most everything as such (without really even realizing it) has been- I believe- a huge part of my suffering.

Well, thank goodness growth doesn't come without struggle.  Elsewise I suppose I'd be a midget.

HA!

Recurring Thoughts

Recurring thought:

"I need to stop expecting everything to be easy."

This isn't the first time I've had thoughts on my expectations,

and how they trip me up.

This time the thought came to me while I was doing yoga.  I was doing what seemed like it should* be an easy pose,

(*ever heard that phrase: "Don't should on yourself"?)

but I was really feeling the strain on my muscles.

For a moment I thought about settling my body into a more comfortable position, but then a little voice popped up and said,

"You've got to quit expecting everything to be easy."

And I realized that this is the expectation underlying all those moments I find myself wanting to numb out and be lazy; when I want to quit; when I want to stop working on something meaningful.

It makes so much sense to me that pain and discomfort bring growth,

yet,

when I'm met with it, I still tend to greet it with those same old patterns; those same expectations.

Maybe not every time; maybe not even as much as I used to.

And each time it just sort of just sneaks up on me.

When it happens, it can take me days, or even weeks to realize what is going on.

And each time, it feels like an "aha!" moment all over again.

It's kind of like one of those series of mystery novels- where the plot may be different, but the overarching theme and resolution are always the same-haha!

(BOOM! Nerdy literary reference for the win!)

And I suppose that life is just made up of these repeating patterns.

 .....Swirl.....by.....swirl.....

You just keep getting brought back each time, being given another moment to reflect;

another chance to practice.

How about you?  Any recurring thoughts lately?